Then the trav'ller in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,
If you did not twinkle so.

Why did she walk away? Jun pressed the stop-button on the cd-player and slumped back into the chair. He didn't understand. He thought she would be happy. Happy he was alive, happy he was completely healthy again. Sure, he lied, but it was to protect her from years of pain, couldn't she understand that?

He stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out of the greenhouse.

When Ra-ra had run out yesterday, he had waited inside, expecting her to come back after a moment. Besides, who would have thought she would run away so far? Barefoot! Childish? Ha, she had been the childish one.

He had carried her back when he finally found her, bandaged her feet and tucked her in. Then he went over to the apartment building where she used to live. He had already known from one of Mr. Kim's last letters that Seung Gi and Ha-young had married, he hadn't expected the baby though and he certainly hadn't expected the punch in the face.

In the end it was Mr. Cha who invited him to stay the night. They hadn't spoken much, although he could feel the disapproval coming from the doctor. Perhaps he should go and talk to him. Perhaps Mr. Cha could explain why Ra-ra was so angry at him.

He found the doctor in his office in the hospital. The man had just swallowed his vitamins and almost choked when Jun came in without knocking. Perhaps he should lock the door from now on, Jun thought, remembering something Ha-young told him long ago.

With a grim expression Jun sat down in the empty chair opposite Mr. Cha. There was one thing he had been wanting to ask for a while now and he figured he had nothing to lose, so he just fired away. "When I was gone, why didn't you marry Ra-ra?"

Dumbfounded the doctor stared at him. Jun waited, but it looked like his question had short circuited Mr. Cha's brain.

After a few very uncomfortable minutes, the man finally said: "Was that your design in asking me to take care of her, when you left?"

Jun looked down and shuffled with his feet on the floor. "No, not really. At that time I expected to be back in a few weeks, months, perhaps half a year. But after my mother came over, after she gave you all closure ... I expected it. Not right away, but maybe after one year. Why didn't you?"

Mr. Cha looked at him with a funny expression that made him feel like he was missing some vital part of information.

"Jun-ah, you may not know this, but in the very beginning, before you and Ra-ra were together, Ra-ra told me, in no uncertain terms, that she had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. No feelings whatsoever."

A little satisfaction filled Jun's mind.

"And even when she thought I was Dodosolsollalasol, she never gave me any idea she liked me as anything more than a friend. Why would you assume that would suddenly change?"

Again Jun bowed his head. Was that a scolding? Wasn't it reasonable to assume friends could become lovers, especially with shared grief?

He had hated the idea and every time he'd receive a letter from Mr. Kim he'd feared some news about the two of them, but it'd never come. Still, he had only made the decision to make everyone believe he was dead, to give them the opportunity to continue their lives without him. To be happy, without him.

Mr. Cha heaved a sigh. "Jun-ah, Ra-ra never stopped loving you. All those years you have been the only man in her life. She played the piano, taught others, helped us all with whatever it was we needed, but when you ... died, that part of her died as well."

Upset, Jun sat up straighter. "But that was the whole reason I left in the first place."

Crossing his arms, Mr. Cha sounded strict when he asked: "Didn't you learn anything from the first time you lied to her? When you made us all believe you had a girlfriend and broke up with Ra-ra? You hurt her so badly then, but she never let go of you. She tried, but she never really did."

Jun's shoulders slumped.

"And look at yourself. You are here. Why?" With an intense glare, Mr. Cha looked at him.

Jun frowned. Wasn't that obvious? "Because I love her."

Mr. Cha lifted his chin, as if to urge Jun to come to the right conclusion himself. He didn't understand. What was he missing?

The doctor sighed and relaxed his arms. "After all those years, you still love her. You never once thought about beginning a new life with someone else?"

"No, of course not."

"Than why is it so hard to believe that Ra-ra would do the same?"

"Because I was dead. At least, I made her believe I was dead. I was no longer an option, that should have set her free."

Mr. Cha shook his head. "You think the heart is that easily persuaded? The mark you left in her heart is just as big as the one she has in yours. You are Dodosolsollalasol. You of all people should know how much the heart can hold on to someone, even when it seems there's no hope at all."

Speechless Jun stared at the older man. He never considered that. He had tried to stay away from anything that reminded him of Ra-ra as much as possible, just so he wouldn't get hurt when he saw her with someone else.

Nevertheless, as soon as the doctors had finally cleared him after five years of treatment and remission, he'd looked up La-La Land. The pictures he'd seen, scrolling down day after day, week after week, month after month, had proven to him that she hadn't moved on at all. The place he used to live in even looked exactly the same in the background of the reels of Mimi, the photo's of Gimbap or the posts about empty sunsets from the spot they used to visit together.

That was the moment he decided to go back. To pick up where they had left of. He just never expected she would be angry at him for being alive.

"Jun."

He looked up, having totally forgotten he was in the doctor's office.

"Your motives may have been right, but what you did hurt us all. Still, it hurt Ra-ra most of all. You lied to her. Twice. You say you love her, but this is not how you treat a loved one. The decision you made was childish and wrong and now you have to make it up to her."

Childish. That was what Ra-ra had said as well. Was that true? He was a smart guy, but had the choice to make her believe he was no longer around been that of a child? Hadn't he thought it through enough?

Ra-ra's words, how she would have rather been with him, no matter how sick, no matter his chances, than having to live with the knowledge he was dead, echoed through his mind and for the first time he wondered how he would have felt if their situations had been in reverse.

---

After his chat with Mr. Cha he left the hospital and wandered through town without any specific direction. He was deep in thought.

He had fallen in love with the girl from the moment she had shouted at him not to take the last watermelon juice. When she'd smiled at him his whole world had changed. There hadn't been one moment in the last ten years that he hadn't loved her. Could it really be the same for her?

How would he feel when she broke up with him? How would he feel to hear she died due to an incurable illness?

Suddenly he felt sick to his stomach. Thinking about her lying in a hospital bed, all alone, fighting cancer, made him falter in his steps. He would want to be there by her side. No matter how terrible she would think she would look, how horrible she would think he would feel when looking at her pale face, he would want to be there. To comfort her, to hold her, to wipe the sweat from her brow.

There had been so many times in the past years that he'd wanted to see her face, her smile. So many times he'd wanted to hear her cheerful voice telling him to keep fighting, to hold on. It would have given strength to his faltering heartbeats, color to his white cheeks, life in his lifeless eyes.

Why had he thought it would be better for her not to see any of that? He would have hated her for pushing him away.

He couldn't see where he was going anymore. Tears clouded his vision and ugly sobs escaped as he gripped his chest with both hands. What had he done?

He fell to his knees by the side of the road. Honking cars drove past him and soft splatter alerted him to the fact that it had begun to rain.

After what seemed like forever, screeching wheels behind him brought his present situation back to mind. Strong hands lifted him up and helped him into the passenger seat. He was shivering, and not only from the cold.

"Jun-ah, you idiot. Are you planning to die for real this time?" It was Mr. Chu's voice. He drove them to the apartment building where he brought him inside.

Jun kept his eyes closed the whole time. Voices around him told him he was in the house where Ha-young and Seung Gi lived with her mother and little Si-a. He was stripped of his soaking clothes and wrapped in warm blankets until at last the trembling stopped.

When the voices left and silence fell, he finally opened his eyes. He was in the small room that had once been Ra-ra's. There was a desk in one corner and many boxes stacked against the far wall. The room was obviously used as an office, probably because the wedding business wasn't doing so well at the moment.

He sat up and rubbed his face. How could he ever face Ra-ra again? Perhaps he should just leave. Perhaps this time her anger would push away any feelings she may have still had for him.

His boxer short had dried in the meantime, but his clothes were nowhere to be seen. They probably hung somewhere to dry. Was everybody asleep? Should he try to sneak to the bathroom to get them?

He stood up and looked down to find his phone to check the time, but right at that moment, the door flew open.

Ra-ra froze and Jun didn't know how fast he had to bend town to grab a blanket. While holding it against his bare chest, he felt his cheeks turn red, but judging by the look on Ra-ra's face she had already seen enough. Slowly she lifted one hand and when it reached her face, she covered her eyes. He saw her swallow and then she turned around. One hand searched for the door and still blinded by her fingers, she closed it behind her.

Jun exhaled, dropped the blanket and groaned while slapping his forehead with his fist.

On the other side of the door he suddenly heard restrained laughter. His eyebrows flew up. Ra-ra was laughing?

He bent down again and wrapped a blanket firmly around him, before he opened the door.

Her face was still red and both of her hands now covered her mouth. She was laughing so hard he could see tears in her eyes. Snorting sounds came from between her fingers and when he caught sight of the clock in the hall that said half past eleven, he pulled her inside and shut the door again.

Ra-ra knelt down and stuffed a pillow in her face to muffle her peels of laughter. Jun merely stood there, with his blanket wrapped around him, looking at her.

A soft smile turned up the edges of his lips. Oh how he had missed that smile. Even the tears. He had missed everything about her so much.

When her laughter cooled down, he knelt in front of her, making sure every part of him was decently covered. His face turned serious and when she finally put the pillow down he said: "I am sorry."

The words felt completely insufficient. "I am sorry", he said again. "I will repeat those words over and over again in the hope that you will one day accept them." He lowered his head. "I didn't know. I hadn't realized. Mr. Cha said ... He made me think about what I would feel if our situations had been reversed. That's when I knew." He looked up. New tears welled up in her eyes and he wanted to wipe them away, but instead he pulled the blanket closer around his chest.

"Ra-ra, I am so, so terribly sorry. I've been a complete idiot, I don't deserve to ever be forgiven and I will fully understand it if you never want to see me again."

Ra-ra slapped him in his face.

Wide eyed he stared at her. She had hit him and by the looks of it she was about to do it again. Her hand lifted an inch and he closed his eyes, waiting for the second impact. Yet it never came.

"You fool", she spat instead. Her voice was lowered. The presence of the others in the house probably was a good thing. She would surely have yelled at him otherwise.

"You have left me alone for six years and just when I have you back in my life you think I want you gone?"

He swallowed a lump in his throat. Hope began to rise. She didn't want him to leave?

"You stupid, childish fool. If you ever leave me again, I will kill you." She leaped forward and threw her arms around him. The blanket fell off as he caught her, but neither of them paid any attention to his state of undress. At least, not until the door opened and a groggy Ha-young appeared with her husband behind her.

"What are you–" She barely managed to stifle a scream. "Ya! Can you do this somewhere else? I have to work in this room!"

With the speed of light Jun moved back and pulled the blanket back up. "Sorry," he whispered. When he looked at Ra-ra, he saw she had stuffed the pillow in front of her mouth once again.

---

Even though it was very late, he got dressed and together they walked back to La-La Land, leaving the startled young couple behind.

When they reached the lookout where they often sat, he halted. "Can we sit down here for a while?" he asked and Ra-ra nodded.

In silence they stared at the lights of the town that illuminated the night. Invisible crickets chirped around them and every now and then a gush of wind blew through the tall grass. It was chilly and when he saw Ra-ra shiver, he moved in closer. After a while she put her head on his shoulder and relieved beyond measure he placed his arm around her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"I know," she sighed. "I know you never meant to hurt me, but it hurt so much." She sighed again and Jun felt his heart constrict.

In hushed tones she continued: "I don't want you to leave me, ever again, but you have to know it will take time for me to trust you again."

He nodded. Hearing those words hurt perhaps even more than any chemo ever could, but he knew now he deserved it. He had put her through hell while thinking he kept her out of the hell he was in. "I know. It was stupid and immature and if I could turn back time I would do it all differently, but I can't. I'm sorry."

Ra-ra sighed, a little more agitated now. "Stop saying you're sorry. I know that. Just ... just prove it to me, alright. Make me believe in us again."

Jun nodded. From now on he would do his utmost to do just that. He would devote his entire life to making Ra-ra happy.