Chapter 28// Truth and Lie

(EARLY UPDATE!)

♜JESSE P.O.V ♜

I sit with my elbows on my legs, at the edge of my bed. The room is dark.

An Xbox controller lies on the floor, with a dent in the wall from where I threw it.

Lois likes me, she actually likes me back. Ben admitted it to me, and ten minutes ago she confessed it herself on the phone before hanging up. I've called her back three times, but each and every time the dial tone has gone straight to voicemail. I can't say that I blame her: she still thinks I'm dating Rita. There are so many things I need to say to her, to explain, but I don't know how to start. I can't help but grin every time it hits me that Lois actually has feelings for me, but that grin is darkened as I realize how much I've ruined everything trying to realize that fact. She's going to be so angry at me when she finds out my side of the story.

I close my eyes and throw myself back onto the bed. My hair is messy and sticking out in odd directions from running my hands through it so many times, but I make no effort to fix it. What the hell do I say to her?

I remember the time when that cute sister of Everett's announced that she backed a car out into my mom. I was so horrified that this girl was the one who almost killed her; that she was part of the reason that my mom could've died without me telling her about my father's adultery. When I saw her, I felt that guilt rush back to me. That guilt made me a jerk to Lois, I guess because it was easier to blame her for almost killing my mom, than to blame myself for not telling my mom that Dad was cheating. Either way though, I wasn't really angry for long. Lois made sure of that.

As I grew closer to Lois, who helped us out as often as she could, I knew that there was some kind of attraction there. However, I still had a crush on Rita at this point. My plan was to ask Lois to help me get Rita. That way, I could see more of Lois, and figure out my feelings for Rita whilst I did. Of course, I didn't know that Lois had a crush on me or I wouldn't have asked. Dating Rita for a year had kind of messed my feelings up: I thought she was my first love, the only one I was allowed to have feelings for. Yet, when I saw Lois, there was a part of me that thought she was sweet and awkward, and let's face it...she's beautiful. I was curious, and my plan was faultless to me at that point.

It didn't take long for me to realize that I was beginning to like Lois, not Rita. My feelings for Lois grew stronger every time I saw her, and eventually I told her that she didn't need to help me with Rita anymore. I thought that would've been a pretty big clue that I like her, but Lois is so naïve. She continued carelessly being herself, not freaking knowing how much it tortured me that she didn't like me back. I didn't really know what to do, so I told Rita, and she agreed to help me find out whether Lois liked me back or not. Her advice was to see if we could make her jealous.

Ben and I tried so freaking hard to provoke a reaction out of her, asking her so bluntly what she thought about Rita and I as a couple. Lois was oblivious, and she covered her emotions well. Of course, at this time I thought this meant that she didn't like me back, or didn't even see a possibility of ever thinking of me that way. One day, I couldn't take it anymore, and I tried to kiss her. I think, if it wasn't for that bitch behind the cash register, I would have too. Unfortunately, Rita planned another scheme without letting me know. I was meeting up with Rita that night, just as friends, to see if maybe Lois had mentioned anything about me, but Rita decided to take that one step further. She told Lois that it was a date, as I found out later on. As usual, Lois had no real reaction when told, but it did mean that she thought it was wrong to kiss me and ran away.

Then, on the night I finally decided to confess my feelings for her, Lois ran away again. When I spoke to her about it, I told her that I wouldn't kiss her again and that I lost control. Now I know that she likes me, I have no idea what to say to her. No idea where to start.

I throw my fist into the pillow beside me- I think I'm a pro at fucking up relationships. It doesn't help that my mom is in the room beside mine, staring at the ceiling too. Last night, I finally admitted to her what I've wanted to for weeks. I told her that my father was cheating on her.

She cried, a lot. I bring her food, and watch movies with her, but predominantly she wants to be alone. That's another thing that I need to tell Lois: that I've finally come out and told my mom, after feeling guilty for so long. I felt so bad watching mom crumple underneath the weight of the words, and for a few hours I regretted telling her. I regretted making her feel pain, but I knew that I had to let her know. She deserves to know, and my scumbag of a father wasn't planning on telling her anytime soon. He doesn't know yet that she knows about his affair. It won't be too long until she calls him up though, I expect. I roll over in bed and stare at the dented wall. Things in my life are a little fvcked up at the moment. My fingers trace over the eagle tattoo on my ribs.

When it rains, most birds fly to shelter. The eagle is the only bird that flies above the rain.

I need to combat my problems, and overcome them. The only way I'm going to do that is to talk to Lois. She needs to know the whole story, and to know how I feel about her. If she's angry at me, I can deal with that, but first I need to let her out of the dark. Maybe she can help me with my mom, as well. My mom is basically in love with Lois, so maybe Lois will be able to bring a smile to her face.

Combat your issues. Overcome them. The only good thing my father taught me in life.

I release a sigh and sit up in my bed, swinging my legs to the side. I hope this goes better than I'm expecting it to.

<><><><><>

"Please, Everett let me see her," I beg, "We need to talk. She needs to know everything."

"I'm sorry man," Everett eyes me sceptically, standing with his arms crossed territorially as he guards his front door. "I just gave her some pretty chaotic news myself. She now knows about me and Heather, and I think she's completely overwhelmed and upset. She needs some space right now. Try coming tomorrow, after she's digested the information a bit more. At the moment, she's a mess."

My heart seems to sink at the news. She's upset, yet there's still an urgency to speak to her. I need to tell her everything: I can't last one more day without her knowing that I feel the same way; that I have done for a long time. My chest aches to see her, and I grind my teeth. "Please Everett. I'm begging you...even if I don't tell her my news now, just let me see her. If she gets upset-"

"Then I'm kicking your ass off of my property," Everett finishes, raising an eyebrow. "I'll ask her. If she wants to see you, she can, but I'm going to keep an eye out for her from the window. No funny business with my sister," He narrows his eyes at me in one last daring look, before turning and heading inside his house. I can hear him calling Lois' name and my stomach twists uneasily, my heart seeming to beat a little faster. I turn away and exhale slowly, running a hand through my hair. What if she rejects me once she finds out that I asked Rita to help me? Will she be angry?

"Jesse, what are you doing here?"

I spin around to find the source of the voice, and Lois is stood in the doorway, staring back at me. Her eyes are wide and defiant, void of any emotion, but with trails of it staining her cheeks with mascara. She stands strongly, staring me down, and to any other person she would seem confident. However I can see her lip shaking. She's biting it- and she does that when she's nervous. I feel a rush of something, something, wash over me and I step back a little. Suddenly my nerves have disappeared, and instead something warm centres in my chest and causes me to exhale in relief. "I miss you," I say, not hesitating, and holding out my arms to her.

She stares at me, and her lips tremble a little bit. "Why are you really here?"

"I'm here to see if your gas contract needs renewing," I roll my eyes, "C'mon Lois, I'm here to see you. You hung up on me, not the other way around. We need to talk about things. A lot of things." I take one step closer, and Lois' eyes narrow as she recoils. Her lip trembles a little more, and I can tell she's trying to keep from crying. I feel so bad for her, and I suddenly recognise the sinking feeling of shame. Everett's right: why am I doing this now? Hasn't she dealt with enough deceit today? I should give her time to deal with the first bombshell before I bring her another. However, as her lip trembles and her eyes vary from glassy to dry as she blinks tears away, I can't force myself to move.

It's physically impossible.

"I don't have anything to talk about," She mumbles.

"Well then," I take another step forward, "You can just listen." I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around her. For a second she's frozen in surprise, and then she seems to melt into my arms, sinking into it like it's supposed to be. This is how it's supposed to feel. I cradle her, my lips finding their way to her hair and kissing her on top of the head, breathing in the scent of her coconut shampoo. The sobs locked up in her throat are finally released, wracking her body and causing her fingers to dig desperately into my back. She falls apart in my arms, and meanwhile I'm groaning as I try and keep the shame I have for myself at bay, and the thought of how much I've hurt her with my stupid little plan. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, and she definitely doesn't deserve to be deceived.

"It's okay," I whisper, resting my chin on top of her head, "It's all going to be okay."

"No," She pulls away, wiping her eyes and glaring at the ground. "It's not. Don't say that. I can't even trust my own brother, and my best friend has been lying to me for almost two months. It's not ok, I'm...I'm not okay with that." She looks up at me, and releases a groan. "I'm not okay with your rejections or the fact that you're dating Rita but you're still here. You're still torturing me because for some reason, I haven't got the strength to stay away from you. And you know what the worst thing is?" Her voice raises, and she shoves me away from her. "The worst thing is, despite everything that's happened, I'm still hoping-" She chokes on her sob, "I'm still hoping to God that you feel the same way. And Jesse? It's not okay. I'm not okay."

"Lois, I really-"

She shakes her head, exhausted. "Please Jesse, I love you, but can we do this another day?"

I freeze in my position.

Her hands cover her mouth, and her eyes widen in horror as she registers what she's just said. I love you. She just said that she loves me. If I felt something wash over me earlier, the force of it right now is almost enough to knock me to the ground. I suddenly feel this power within my chest, and it could have something to do with my heart which is beating at a million beats per minute. I can't breathe. My throat is thickening and I'm staring at her in blunt shock. She loves me. She loves me.

"I..I think I love you," She stutters, staring at me, wide eyed. "Oh crap. Um, I don't know what to do now. I should...I should tend to the cat." Lois doesn't say anything, but mutely sprints towards the door. She looks dazed, as dazed as I feel right now. Is any of this really happening? Do I love her back? I can't seem to force the words out of my lips. I've never really thought about love before.

"Lois," Everett opens the door for her, cutting through the silence like a knife. "Inside. Now."

My first impulse is to follow her up to the door, but Everett steps in my way before I can. He cages me in, but my eyes don't flicker from her as she walks into her house. She doesn't look back at me.

"One bombshell at a time Jesse," Everett growls, "She can't deal with this right now."

The door shuts behind Lois, and something within me sinks. I'll speak to her tomorrow. Everett's right, she's not ready to deal with all this information. I'll come back tomorrow.

I love you too, Lois. I'm sorry I didn't say it.

<><><><><>

"She told me she loves me," I sigh, hitting my face with my hands in frustration. "She told me she loved me, and then before I knew it, Everett was there shoving her inside before I could reply. I need to speak to her tomorrow, when she's not so...delicate." I cover my face for a second, and then subtly glance up at my best friend. Ben is sat opposite me, his mouth slightly ajar as he stares at me in shock. I guess it's not typical for Lois to confess anything: she's so shy. I still haven't told Ben about her calling me earlier and admitting that she liked me, so this must be a bit of a surprise to him. Something about Lois has changed: suddenly she seems to be a lot more open about her feelings, and she's not shying away like she used to. I like that.

"Dude, she said she loves you?" Ben echoes, eyes wide. "And you didn't say it back? Are you actually kidding me? Are you telling me that you didn't even have one second to say the words before Everett pulled her away?" Ben rolls his eyes, shaking his head at me. "You're an idiot."

"I know," I groan, "I just froze. Besides...it feels like if I'm telling her I love her back, it should be in a nicer place than in her driveway with her brother between us. It should mean more than that. I'll make sure we speak tomorrow. It needs to happen." I look up at Ben, my fingers curling. "This time, I'm going to actually kiss her. Late is better than never."

"Good for you man," Ben grins, "And I really am sorry about kissing her...I didn't know that was her first kiss. I would never have done it if I knew." He turns away guiltily, and something in my chest constricts at the image flashing in my head. His lips were on hers. They kissed. I know that she doesn't have feelings for him, but I still hate the idea of them kissing. Ben's a guy after all, and Lois is gorgeous, and sweet and awkward. How could he not like that kiss? I should have kissed her in that tux store. I missed my opportunity, and I guess I'm going to have to live with taking her second.

"No, it's fine," I sigh, "Don't worry about it." I take the straw of my milkshake and twist it around in my drink. Where can I talk to Lois tomorrow? Should I invite her round, or should we go to the beach? I think I'll have to ask my mom about this. She'll know what I'm supposed to do.

"Dude, there's something I should tell you about the kiss," Ben says nervously, leaning back into his seat and wiping his palms on his jeans. "There's something you should know." Instantly, my guard goes up. If he tells me he likes Lois right now, I might punch him. Does he like Lois? He's assured me so many times that he doesn't, but now my doubt is growing.

"What is it?" I say cautiously.

"Jesse I'm gay," Ben blurts out, cringing.

I stare at him for a second, absorbing my surprise. "And you thought you'd give me a heart attack over something as simple as that?" A slow smile spreads over my lips. "Dude, it doesn't matter to me who you like." I look at Ben for a second, and I can't help but feel respect for him. It must have taken him a lot of guts to admit that, so good for him. "Who knows about this?" I ask him curiously.

"Lois," He tells me a little dazedly, "My parents. That's it. Are you telling me you honestly don't mind about this? That it...that it doesn't change anything?" He stares at me curiously.

"Why should it, really? I was terrified you were going to admit that you liked Lois. I probably would have punched you, no offence." I roll my eyes, "We're all good here, bro. Honestly, you don't need to look so terrified." I smirk at him and raise my fist as I normally would, to show that nothing's changed. Ben stares at me for a second, before grinning and bumping his fist with mine. He's still my best friend, and I'm not going to ditch him over something as minor as this. What kind of asshole would I be if I did that?

"I was shitting myself before telling you," Ben grins, "I fucking love you, bro. Thank you."

"No need to thank me," I shake my head, "When did you realise?" My fingers trace the glass of my milkshake as I wonder how long he's known about this. Is he bisexual, or just fully homosexual?

"I guess I've known for a while, but I have liked girls in the past too," Ben squirms, "I'm not sure if I'm bisexual or not. I'm still trying to figure things out I guess...Dude, I don't know what the procedure is for telling your mates about your sexuality," Ben grins slightly, "Should I be getting a cake or something? Throwing a coming out party? I don't know what to tell you."

"I'll buy the cake," I offer, smirking.

"You'd eat the cake," Ben rolls his eyes. "And spike the drinks at the party. Maybe I shouldn't have a celebration just yet." He taps his fingers against the table. "I told Lois just after I kissed her, so that she'd know that I didn't like her that way. She must be pretty angry at me, for stealing her first kiss when I'm not even sure I like girls." He sighs, slouching in his seat and resting his head back. "Have I screwed up everything trying to get you two together?"

"No," I shake my head, "I screwed everything up in the beginning, when I asked her to help me get Rita. Classic rookie mistake there: I didn't know what I was doing." I roll my eyes. "I'm going to explain everything to her tomorrow though. Fingers crossed she sees it as endearing and romantic, rather than lying to her about dating Rita." I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly.

"She'll be fine. She just needs to know the truth."

"I just hope the truth is something she wants to hear."

Gosh guys, remind me for my next book not to write such infuriatingly CLUELESS characters. I know how irritating this chapter is. 2 weeks until the next update and my exams are over! I promise you will LOVE me after the next chapter ;)

I'm halfway through exams at the moment. I'd like to remind people that I'm not replying to messages. If you've sent me a message, I will reply to you eventually. It's just going to take a few weeks.

lots of love and luck in your own exams,

Lauren xox