Hey, long time, no see. I know I am never really on and the chances of anyone reading this are very low at this point. But even if no one is gonna read this I just wanna kinda write my feelings down just so I can get some of this out. So this might be long. This might be short. Honestly, I don't know yet.

So lately I've just been feeling down, I guess. Like I'm not suicidal by any means. But I also don't care if I die at the same time. A lot of the times at work we'll make jokes about how we want to die, but little do they know I actually mean it sometimes.

I work nearly every day. Within 14 days, I've had 1 day off. And this week I have 0 days off cause they fucked up the schedule so now I have to cover scheduling gaps. Not only that, but I work 10 to 11 hour shifts nearly every day. I'm just tired.

But I also can't sleep and sometimes I don't eat.

"Thats not healthy," yes, yes I am aware.

The other night I couldn't go t bed until 7 am and I had to work at 3 pm, And I woke up at 12. That was probably the longest I've slept in weeks. I've done so many things to try to force myself to sleep. Nothing has been working.

Sometimes the only thing I eat is McDonalds, since its free. But these past few weeks its been hard to find time to eat. When you're the only manager you don't have the luxury of sitting down or even eating sometimes. Cause if something goes wrong you have to be there for the crew. And lately I've been the only manager a lot.

So sometimes I can't eat that day or I'll eat at 3 or 4 in the morning when I am off and at home, and that will be the only time I eat for the entire day.

On top of all that, my parents health is steadily declining. Especially my moms. I'm in constant fear that I am going to wake up one morning and find out that they aren't going to wake up. I've been told to expect it one day, and I know deep down that it's a very close reality. But I just can't. It's hard.

And I don't really tell a lot of people this but my parents also do meth, which doesn't help either. But honestly, I'd secretly rather they do meth, especially my dad. Only because when my dad isn't high he is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. Mostly towards my mom, but also to anyone else really.

Sometimes it just becomes extremely difficult to be around him most times when hes not high. When he is high, he is the same dad we all know and love. The one who raised us. The one we grew up with. But when he is sober it is a full 180.

It's weird, some people are the exact opposite. The are fine when they are sober, and abusive when high. But not my dad. Thankfully he isn't physically abusive, but that also doesn't mean being emotinally abusive is much better.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. Only one person in my non-online life knows about that. It's much easier to type this than to actually talk about it.

As always, I am the only one who pays bills. And a normal months bills are

POWER - $160
WATER - $60
INTERNET - $250

Thats around $470 a month. I get anywhere from $750 - $800 every 2 weeks. While doable, its hard for one person to pay that. But my sister doesn't care. I have to practically beg her to help me sometimes. Plus I have to pay for gas to get to work, and gas is not cheap. I of course have to buy groceries, for a minimum of 4 adults and 2 kids (cause of Ahren and Ryan). That's a lot of food.

Yeah, my sister will sometimes buy food. But barely. She'll sometimes buy gas, but barely. She'll sometimes pay bills, but only half of a bill and you guessed it, barely.

But she has tons of money to go out to dinner or get a motel room with her boyfriend or buy things online that she doesn't need.

If I made more than her I guess I wouldn't mind as much. But she makes over $1000 every two weeks. She can 100% afford to help out with shit. Everytime I bring it up it's "Next time she gets paid, she'll give you the money for bills." But that money never comes.

And now at the time of writing this, my mom is in the hospital. Thankfully the most serious problems have gotten resolved and now we just have to wait for the fluid in her lungs to completely go away before she can come home.

Honestly, I don't have much else to say right now.

So bye. Maybe see you later, I hope to start being more active but honestly I am not too sure