he thinks i hate him, because he doesn't respect my personal boundaries. he doesn't care about when i cut myself. he doesn't care about my mental state. he doesn't care about me not sleeping. he doesn't care about when i hurt myself. he gets mad when i cover my ears to block out sound while crying. he gets mad when i can't control my emotions. he gets mad when i swear, even though he swears all the time. he gets mad when i don't hug him, even though physical contact makes me think i'm going to get hurt. he just wants me to be perfect, right? the only reason he wants me alive is because i'm the only child he wanted. but he treats my younger sisters, the ones that are confirmed accidents, way better than me. he didn't make me feel better when i tried to kill myself on may 25th. he told me that my gender was a phase that day. he assumed that the girl who made me want to kill myself is my girlfriend: she was heterosexual. he gets mad at me when i don't show him my art. he gets mad at me when i lose interests in things that didn't affect him at all.

i wish i had a father that cared. i wish i had a father that respected my personal boundaries. i wish i had a father that cares about when i cut myself. i wish i had a father that cares about my mental state. i wish i had a father that cares about my bad sleeping habits. i wish i had a father that cares about when i can't hold in my emotions and inflict pain onto myself. i wish i had a father that would care about my fear of loud noises: not get mad at me for it, even though it can't be controlled. i wish i had a father that would help me control my emotions. i wish i had a father that wouldn't be mad all the time. i wish i had a father that wouldn't force contact on me. i wish i had a father that i could be around, and not worry about getting murdered. i wish i had a father that wouldn't yell all the time. i wish i had a father that treated me fairly. i wish i had a father that doesn't assume the person that abandoned me is my girlfriend. i wish i had a father that actually supported me. i wish i had a father that would actually prevent me from committing suicide. i wish i had a father that would help me with school. i wish i had a father that wouldn't make me want to die all the time.

do i even have someone i can call a father at this point?