my parents love me
i know they do
but would they still love me
if they knew

they say be yourself
but hate who you are
they say god makes us
the way we are
for a reason
but then they say
some of us are wrong for being
who god made us to be

mum says she loves me
dad says cheer up
brother says i'm his best friend
but what would they do
if they knew
i'm not the girl they think they know
i'm not that different from her
i'm still me
but just a bit different

what would they do
if they knew
they're the reason
i hate myself so much
mum says not to care
what others think
and then she says to do things
like everyone else
wear some makeup, you need to
you're too pale
start wearing cute clothes
gag
i'll wear what makes me comfortable

she's told me i should wear makeup
or no one will be attracted to me
that i should dress up because everyone else does
that every girl needs to wear makeup
damn, isn't irony a bitch
i'm not a girl, mum! i want to scream
but i don't
i sit there and try to tune her out
then i say "anyone who is only
attracted to me
because of makeup and my body
clearly isn't a person worth attracting"
this makes her laugh
and she's finally at a loss of words

she's always trying to change me
to fit her idea of who i should be
her little "mini me"
but i think i deserve the right
to be myself
like everyone else
but she doesn't get that
i tell her i don't like dance class
she doesn't get that
say i hate the clothes she wants me to wear
she doesn't get that

she doesn't get that
not everyone
is just like her
and thinks like she does
and wants to look like she does

i have the right to be myself
but i can't
i'm stuck in between
being myself
and being who she wants me to be

my hair's kinda short
(only cuz someone put gum in it at school)
and both my parents hate it this short
but i don't think it's nearly short enough
i wear hoodies and pants
combat boots and converse
sweaters and graphic tees
but mum keeps buying girly shirts
and i continue to not wear them
which irritates her, i'm sure

hehehe:
my pronouns as well as an obnoxious laugh

mum doesn't understand
why anyone wouldn't want to wear makeup
and ugly frilly dresses and floral embroidered shit
gosh golly, do i wonder the same thing (not)!
makeup is worn to make the wearer
feel good about them self
but when i wear makeup
i feel like i'm wearing a mask
besides the one i already wear
of being semi-okay
makeup makes me feel like a girl
and makes me hate myself even more than i already do
so i don't wear it
not that boys can't wear makeup
they can and they always slay
but i am a boy who is repulsed by the idea
of putting makeup on his face
so i don't
but mum sure does wish i would
but i won't give her the pleasure
she can't make me, after all
i should call child services
but they probably don't do anything
its not like i'm being intentionally abused or anything
but i may as well be
if it's this bad without intentional abuse
i'd probably die with a day of it

i wish i could tell my mum
all the things her words make me feel
none of them are good
so i keep them to myself
when i should say something

i think next time
i'll call her a follower
and ask her
"if everyone were jumping off a bridge
would you? because i sure as hell would
i'd about do it anyway"

yanno
it's sad
when a kid can trust
strangers on the internet
before people they know irl