xiaodery ; porque (because)

❝ you were my dream, but was i yours? ❞

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Xiaojun has always wanted to become a singer. He loves the feeling of singing infront of many people. His parents were very supportive about it so they gave their son everything. They put him in voice classes and were always there in his recitals. Xiaojun has also joined in different competitions. He loses but wins as well. Every day, he just improves.

But that wasn't just his dream.

"Xiao!"

The boy looked at the direction where he heard someone calling him. As weird as it sounds, everything slowed down and the surroundings blurred out as his eyes were specifically on a boy running down the school hallway, towards him. Xiaojun felt his heart beating and his cheeks flushing.

"Oh, god, I'm gonna vomit..." Hendery uttered, panting hard, "Anyway, are you going to audition this Saturday?"

Xiaojun snapped out of his thoughts before he looked away, "Y-Yeah...I wanted to try it out."

"Good thing I told you about it! Who knows? You'll be able to reach your dreams!"

Xiaojun has always been in love with Hendery. Ever since they were kids, he found him cute and Hendery has always been there for the other. He doesn't know where and when it started, it just happened. Hendery was one of his dreams.

Of course, Hendery doesn't know that.

"What if I fail?" Xiaojun asked, not feeling all too confident about his audition this weekend.

Hendery gave him an enthusiastic smile, "Then let's try again. Nothing's wrong with that, Xiao. Just keep a high spirit."

The boy was somehow Xiaojun's support machine. Every time Xiaojun gets upset about something, Hendery would always say something to lift the boy's mood. In fact, Hendery was always there in every competition Xiaojun had. Either the boy wins or loses, Hendery will be the first one to say 'congratulations.'

"How about you? Aren't you going to audition?" Xiaojun asked.

The boy furrowed his eyebrows, "Hm, why would I?"

"I thought you'll also have a chance to pass. I'm sure they're finding a good rapper."

"Nah, I don't want to steal the light from you."

"What? What do you even mean by that?"

Hendery laughed, "Kidding aside, it isn't my dream to become an idol like you. I don't have the passion, like you."

"We could be a great duo, you know," the boy uttered jokingly.

"What? We're already a great duo. What do you mean?"

Sometimes, Xiaojun spends his free time writing and recording some songs, and Hendery is the one who listens to it. It was kind of like Xiaojun wanted to hear some opinions about it. Then, if he gets accepted in the audition, he might not be able to do those things with Hendery anymore. That terrifies him.

"Don't get nervous already! It's still on the weekend. You still have time to practice," the boy added.

Xiaojun chuckled, "Well, I can't help but think about it."

"I'm sure you'll be able to pass it. Save me a seat for your concert."

"You're crazy."

It was the day of the audition and Xiaojun kept overthinking that his nervers are shaking too much that he couldn't stop staring at nowhere. He wasn't able to sleep last night which results to him to drink coffee and then, this happened. He couldn't stop shaking from being anxious and the thought of backing out was in his mind since the day started.

"Xiao!"

The boy jolted badly which made Hendery to furrow his eyebrows at him. The other boy's hands went to his nervous friend's shoulders and started shaking his friend aggressively.

"Stop being too nervous!"

Xiaojun pulled himself away, "What am I going to feel?! Happy?! Also, I normally get nervous with these kind of things..."

"What? This isn't even you're first time auditioning! Just stop being too nervous. You don't want to mess up, do you?"

"No, of course not! But you just can't tell me to stop being nervous!"

Hendery then hummed, thinking about something for Xiaojun to keep his nerves down. Then an idea came up to his mind, hoping that it'll work out just fine.

"If you don't do good, I'll stop being your friend."

Then it made everything worse. Xiaojun started to look very upset and empty. He even looked like he'll cry any moment. Hendery then regretted saying that which made him sigh heavily. He then again placed both of his hands on his best friend's cheeks, lightly slapping him.

"Aw! Why did you do that?" Xiaojun asked.

"Forget what I said. Just do your best. I'll still be your best friend even if you humiliate yourself today."

The nervous boy furrowed his eyebrows, "You think I'll humiliate myself?"

"It's impossible but just a 'what if' moment," the other said and pulled his hands away from him.

"Well, I probably will. I think I won't even pass this."

Hendery looked at him with a straight face, "Just because there's probably hundreds of you auditioning, doesn't mean all of them are better than you. Of course, for me, you're the best. I think these people will have no match for you."

Xiaojun was about to say something but his name was suddenly called by someone which made the boy freeze. Hendery looked ahead and knew that it was already his friend's turn to perform. His lips became a smile and pushed Xiaojun off the chair.

"Hey--"

"It's your turn, stupid. Good luck!"

Xiaojun furrowed his eyebrows, "I know..."

Hendery gave him two thumbs up, "Break a leg--Well, not literally."

"Okay."

"Ugh, I really hate auditions."

"What? But you told me you did good," Hendery uttered and sipped on his smoothie he was holding while they're seated on the sidewalk infront of Xiaojun's house.

Xiaojun shrugged, "Yeah...but I don't know if they think I did good."

"It won't do anything good if you kept thinking about it. The results aren't even out. It might be in a month so stop being anxious about it."

The anxious boy beside him nodded. He still looked anxious, his nerves still haven't calmed down but he was relaxed. Then he felt hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, you did good," Hendery uttered, "Don't worry about it."

Xiaojun then hesitated, "What if I passed...?"

The boy hummed, "Isn't that what you wanted? To be a great singer. You'll be able to train in a well-known company in Seoul and you'll be able to live there."

Xiaojun has also been thinking about the possibility of him passing. If he did pass the auditions, he'll have to move to Seoul and live there. He doesn't even know when he will ever see Hendery again. He never wanted that, that's why he's been doubting about auditioning. But Hendery has been very supportive all through his journey and he wanted to pass the audition for him.

"Aw, is my best friend worried about me?" Hendery teased which made the other to push him.

"No! Maybe you're the one who's worried," Xiaojun uttered.

The boy laughed, "Maybe, maybe...You're a crybaby so I don't know if someone will be able to babysit you while I'm gone."

"I can perfectly take care of myself. Thanks, Hendery."

The said boy then stood from sidewalk and looked down at his friend.

"Let's go."

Xiaojun looked confused, "To where exactly?"

"I don't know. Somewhere where we can enjoy. I want to spend more time with you before you go."

The boy almost blushed at his words but stopped himself from doing so, "The results aren't out. We still don't know if I'm really going to Seoul."

"Well, I'm claiming it. So, let's go!"

Xiaojun was lying down in his bed, anxiously waiting for an email from the company he auditioned in. He should have gotten an email a while ago but he received nothing yet. His stomach was churning badly and he was hoping that he gets one tonight.

He was actually too anxious that he couldn't eat but his mother tried to comfort him. Though, Xiaojun could only laugh to atleast loosen himself up from the tension. While he was trying to calm himself down, he jolted when his phone rang.

Xiaojun accepted it and felt glad that Hendery called him.

"So...?"

"Hm, I haven't received anything yet. You think I made it?"

"Maybe they have a bad internet?"

"That's impossible."

"They just wanted for you guys to get nervous, you know? I'm sure you'll get one any time right now."

"You think so?"

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I? I'm actually your number one fan."

Then the boy suddenly remembered about him confessing. He thought about it for weeks now and maybe he should do it now. It's just a sudden rush of adrenaline that he suddenly wanted to confess to Hendery. But then he got nervous and his heart beating, metaphorically, a thousand times per minute. He suddenly doubted which made him to space out a bit.

"Xiao? You still there?"

The called boy shook himself, "Y-Yeah...I just spaced out a bit..."

"I thought you hung up on me."

Xiaojun cleared his throat, "Hey, Hendery...I-I actually have something to say to you."

Hendery gasped, dramatically, "Don't tell me you didn't accept the email because of me?!"

"What?! No...Of course, not...I-I just wanted to say--"

The boy stopped and tensed when he heard his phone rang because of a notification. Xiaojun looked at his screen and his heart dropped when he saw that it's from the company he auditioned in.

"Xiao? Hello?"

Xiaojun wasn't able to talk as he opened the email he received and started reading it. It was nerve wracking but the boy was beyond happy that he could cry. Xiaojun stood up and was ready to tell him mother but he wanted Hendery to know it first. Even though, the email did tell him to keep everything confidential.

"I-I passed the auditions."

Hendery gasped, "Oh my god, Xiaojun! Congratulations! I'm so fucking happy for you!"

He has three days before he leaves.

"Thanks...I-I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, yeah! Of course! Let's eat outside!"

"O-Okay..."

Xiaojun then came out of his room, crying, as he told his parents that he passed.

He forgot about the confession, though.

"So, you'll have to leave in three days?" Hendery asked.

Xiaojun nodded, with a brief smile, "Unfortunately."

The boy hummed, "I don't really know what I will do when you're gone."

It goes the same as Xiaojun. They spent almost their life together, then one of them actually ended up falling for the other one. He wants to stay and let him practice here, in his hometown in China, but he couldn't atleast do that. He knew he had to give up most things just to get where he wants to be in the future. It didn't mean that Hendery wasn't as important as his dream to be a singer.

In fact, Xiaojun would love to stay for him but he doesn't know if Hendery likes him back.

He was a coward all those years and kind of regretted not being to say it earlier that he wanted to. He doesn't even know when will he tell him. He has a few days before he confesses. If he goes without confessing, then he'll give up.

"Same here," Xiaojun uttered.

The other furrowed his eyebrows, "Of course, you have! You'll practice every day, or even meet new people--Oh, I'm sure you'll meet your idols! You'll be able to meet my idols!"

"Yeah, kind of. I don't know if I can talk or meet them. They're too busy to meet a newbie like me, Hendery," the boy answered back.

Hendery hummed then snapped his fingers, "What if they'll put you in a group? I just figured that you're also great to be in a group."

"You're saying that I'm not good enough to be a soloist?"

"You're talented but you're stupid at times."

Xiaojun pouted.

"You know, Xiao, it doesn't mean I told you that you're also good to be in a group, you're not good as a soloist as well. Whatever they give you, I'm sure you'll shine and work harder as time goes by. You might not even be able to recognize me."

"Eh? Is that even possible?"

When Hendery is literally his first love.

The boy chuckled, "Just another 'What if.'"

"Maybe you'll be the one who'll forget about me?"

"That's stupid, Xiao. Of course, not. You're important to me."

Hendery kept saying those kinds of things. Xiaojun then started concluding but he didn't want to and stopped himself from doing so.

Xiaojun had already packed up his bags and was ready to go. He was quite sad not being able to tell his other friends about it but then again, he thought that the company might not want people to know that he's recruited, so he ended up dropping out school all of a sudden. But he thought about dropping by to see Hendery for the last time.

His flight would be in a few hours but he patiently waited Hendery, trying his hardest not to get caught by people who knows him. He waited by the sidewalk, just around the corner, leaning against the wall. Hendery could get out any second.

Then his phone suddenly rang, which made him to jump and almost drop the device on the concrete.

Xiaojun was surprised when it was the one and only Hendery that was calling for him. It didn't fail to make his heart beat a thousand times faster. But he stopped and looked ahead when he felt someone looked at him. Then they stared at each other.

"Oh, you're here."

It was Hendery. He just heard a phone rang at the same time when he called Xiaojun so he looked around to find it until he saw his friend almost accepting the call. Hendery smiled and walked closer to him.

"I thought I was too late," the school boy uttered.

Xiaojun slowly shook his head, "I-I decided to...see you before I go."

Hendery hummed and felt his heart got upset, "Weird that it just sunk into me that you'll be going. Guess I won't be seeing you for a while."

"Yeah...I'll miss you though," Xiaojun chuckled awkwardly and received a laugh from Hendery.

"Me too. But, I'm sure we'll call each other? Or not?"

"Depends on how things are."

Hendery sighed, "So, this is a temporary goodbye?"

Xiaojun became hesitant. He doesn't know what to say. The idea of a confession was roaming inside his mind and it was bugging the heck out of him. Well, he'll be going anyway so he might as well make the most out of things. He's kind of a risk taker even though he's an overthinker.

"I...want to say something before I go," the boy uttered.

"Last words?"

Xiaojun chuckled, "Kind of..."

It took him a few seconds, gaining some courage and making sure he won't regret it. Xiaojun could feel himself getting nervous, his nerves shaking but he kept everything in.

"I-I like you...ever since we were kids. I'm sorry if I just said it b-but I didn't want to make us awkward that's why I just said it today..."

Xiaojun couldn't look at Hendery from embarrassment, his ears red and his heart palpitating uncomfortably, but he was surprised when Hendery suddenly pulled him into a hug.

"I'll see you soon. I'll send you messages and letters."

Suddenly, his heart felt warm.

He hugged back with a big smile on his face, "I'll wait for those...I promise to come back."

But years has already passed, Xiaojun never received a single letter or a message from Hendery.

(Next) episode 5: Dahan [Doyoung, Taeil] >>