A love letter for....
                   A Dense gatekeeper

Have you ever felt so alone In the world you felt like nothing but a speck, a grain of sand upon this vast and ginormous world?

Well, I've felt like this all my life, betrayed by my father and step-mother denied the right to be normal, to be happy by parents with a twisted notion of parenting.

I've spent my whole life feeling, knowing, and embracing that I am alone and that I am lonely, but this was 'normal' for me so how could I have known any different?

I've had acquaintances, I know many people but none who've ever known, me truly, not that they've ever wanted to. They like me for what we have in common and nothing more, they do not want to know the broken person inside, the one crying, calling out for someone to 'just hold them', the one so desperate for someone to care that they'd be satisfied with even the crappiest person to call their friend.

This life full of nothing but the shadows of lonliness, the cold dark corner alone with no onato care, however, drastically changed the day I stumbled upon an intriguing yet stoic gatekeeper to the underworld...oh did I say 'a'? I meant 'THE' gatekeeper to the underworld.

When we first met he actually tried to kill me, but alas I managed to resolve the conflict on my own. That being said though, he was always a miffing mystery to me, one I couldn't read, dissect, or understand. It was like he was void of anything that developed a person's character, no goals, no interests, no dislikes, no favorite foods, or color, and most of all....no will to live independent and free. He was entirely subservient to the divine Demon's will, not an OUNCE of fight in him just.... Complacancy.

OHhh! How intriguing it was, watching a man choose wasting his life away for an eternity as a gatekeeper, rather then live his life, if only for a few seconds, doing something he chose to do. Though, I was stumped by his willingness to waste away like this, I had begun to grow a friendship with this demonic guard.

I had begun to bring things, from the tears, and foods and such for him to experience. I had become determined to show him the world as best I could just to give him what freedom he could get.

With each visit every few days we grew closer and tried more and more games, until one day I felt so close to him that I called him a dear friend, so close that I told him about my trauma. How I had Prosopragnosia and scopophobia.

His presence became a comfort for me and he wore a mask so he never disturbed any of my issues, and that made me SOO happy. I often avoided a lot of social events due to my anxiety and obstructed facial recognition skill, but finally I had a friend who's outfit was consistent and his eyes were covered. He was very quickly becoming someone special to me, not quite romantically yet but very special. As we'd talked I had eventually found out he had a fear of death, this cleared SO much about him. It made sense for him to be so scared and stay here rather than live independently, because he was scared of death. Unfortunately, I didn't learn this until we clashed on the field during a war, when he used my fear and anxiety against me. Betrayed once by those closest to me, only to be betrayed again by YET ANOTHER person closest to me. I should hate him, I have every right to, I trusted him and he betrayed it in the worst way possible, but somehow I couldn't stay away. It was like something inside me needed him in my life, and I definitely tried to fight it, but that feeling never faded no matter how long I spent avoiding him. Then finally one of my 'friends' suggested I visit him again, and somehow I gave in.

When I visited him again, there was a lot of hostility there despite apart of me wanting to just forgive him and pull him into a hug. Though, over time I began to notice he felt guilty, I could tell, and It made me feel guilty for not forgiving him thus far, so finally I forgave him. I pulled him into a hug, a hug I didn't know he needed but one I DESPERATELY needed.

I felt safe, so safe in his arms quickly his embrace became something I desired and sought out. It felt so nice to feel safe I made me realize JUST how lonely I've been all my life. This man before me before I knew it had become my whole world whether he noticed or not, I desired to be WITH him, CLOSE to him, I desired to be held by him, it a selfish desire to want to indulge yourself with all of another person's attention, but I couldn't help it.

My feelings of deep friendship for him were turning into those of romantic ones. there was this secret part of me that wanted nothing more than to run into his arms every day I came to see him, to bury my face in his chest and take in his warmth, his scent, and feel that strong sense of safety he somehow brought. I wanted to touch him, hold him, cuddle, things normal friends don't typically do. However, this was the same man who didn't know his fear of death wasn't natural, so how could I expect him to know or want love in his life? Besides, what kind of burden would that put on him?

I want to say I'd be just fine with staying friends but I don't know if I could truly be satisfied or happy with just a friendship. I'll do anything to keep him in my life, if that means ignoring or drowning out my feelings for him then that's what I'll do, but I can't lose him, not like I already lost my family.

I love you, I want to be with you Zareh, but I don't know if I'll ever be brave enough to tell you. I can never tell what your thinking, I can't read you, your a puzzle too complex for even a problem solver like me to solve. Funny, how I could fall for the one person I can't quite figure out. Its scary, loving someone you can't tell loves you back, but you alone are the one and only person who can truly make me happy, I love showing new things and the way you practically light up every time I show you something new, I love hugging you, touching your cheek, admiring your masked face. The only person I can't help but want to see the face of, the only one I want to see me, to look at me. I can't control the beating of my heart, the way my cheeks give away my feelings when I'm near you...but if you only want to be friends, then these selfish desires will be buried, kept a secret deep in my heart.

- Sincerely yours,
                          ____________