Luther woke up and starts unfastening himself from the sleeping bag. It's been a month since he's been sent off to the moon and its 1st of October, 2015. It's their birthdays, today. Luther drifts away and heads to beside the sink, taking out a bag of soy paste and starts sucking the contents out like bagged drink.

He drifts to his computer, turning it on. He's supposed to work on his report on the moon condition, but he supposed that he can do it in another time. Right now, this day, he wants to celebrate the day he became a brother of seven. Luther sighed, this day would've been more fun if his siblings were here to celebrate this day with him, but they weren't. He doesn't know what's happening to the lives of his siblings.

Allison is probably singing in that Broadway show (last time he heard about her, she's performing in a Broadway show as some understudy for a sister to the bride of an American founding father), Diego is probably a police officer (they don't talk after he ran away from the manor, but it seemed likely), Vanya is probably the first-chair violinist in an orchestra (he hopes so, she's that obsessed with her violin), and Klaus is probably high off his/their arse in some club, running as the owner (he hopes that he's/they're the leader, Klaus' persuading skill is something not to be taken lightly off).

What is Ben doing, now?

Luther closed his eyes as he remembered that Ben is probably already moving on the next stage. As selfish as it sounds, he wants Ben back to them. Fuck, he truly regrets the day he killed him. Such a soft soul doesn't even deserve to be killed, all because of Luther's selfishness. If he had spilt the secrets much sooner, Nicky wouldn't've slashed his wrist and hit an artery.

Luther can never forget how badly he wanted to join Ben, how Grace had to remove anything sharp from his room and change his window from glass to holed metal blocks to prevent him from breaking the window and use the broken glass to harm himself, how Reginald had to stop sending him to go to missions for six months after Ben's death and how Grace and Pogo had to tie him to bed to stop him from hitting himself. How he kept chanting the words 'I don't deserve to live' and 'I should've died, not Ben' over and over for the first few years.

Sometimes, he thinks how his place in the Umbrella Academy should be replaced. Luther's the 'leader', he should've prevented Ben's death! Luther's an Umbrella Academy member with the most information on the Umbrella Academy! Nicky had wanted to ask him questions, so why did they have to kill Ben in the process?! Why couldn't he shut his mouth with the sass?! What kind of a team leader killed their teammate?! What kind of brother kills his own brother?!

Luther can feel his hairy body rubbing against the clothes he's wearing and sighed. This is like gender dysphoria all over again, Luther thinks. But instead of his gender, it's his body. Luther wonders if there's a word to what he's feeling, 'body dysphoria'? Like gender dysphoria but switch the word 'gender' with 'body'? Is this what Ben felt like whenever he lets the beast out?

Ben didn't have control over the beast at all, it does what it wants. That's the reason why Ben didn't want to let the beast out that terrible mission, because Luther and Klaus are within attack range and Ben can risk killing either of them. Not that he cares if he gets killed, it would be a privilege to be killed serving humankind. That's what heroes do, right? They see the bigger picture and be selfless? And to be selfless is to care about the collective good of humanity, not himself?

"It would be nice to let out the beast now!"

"I can't! You're within range, I can kill you!"

"Now is NOT the time to play nice. Let the beast out!"

Luther closed his eyes, trying to shake off the memory from his mind. He can't believe he actually said that, what if Ben really let the beast out and kill Klaus? Klaus shouldn't even be there, he was too unfocused to be spying on murderers. But for some reason, Reginald still forced him to go. Look where it leads, now. Reginald didn't care, he's not the one tortured with the memory of his brother dying every damn day!

"See your brother there? He's going to bleed out to the point of death."

Luther felt a prickly feeling from the corner of his eyes and blinked, letting all the unshed tears out. Why didn't he rat out on the Umbrella Academy sooner? He could've prevented Ben's death if he did. Why did he have to stall for as long as he did? Nicky, LT, and Jack ended up dead, anyway! It shouldn't have fucking mattered that Luther rats out on the Umbrella Academy secrets! So why didn't he do it sooner? Why did he have to kill Ben?

Luther drifted out to his tiny plant, giving it water. Luther named the plant 'Ben', it feels right that it's named so. It makes him feel like Ben is really here, accompanying him in this mission. Luther doesn't know why is he sent to the moon just to give daily reports on the moon and the changes, but Reginald insisted that it's because the Apocalypse is coming and the moon would be the cause. But if so, then why is he sent to the moon? Shouldn't he avoid the very thing that'll be the cause of his death?

Luther shook his head as he grabbed a spacesuit and wear the spacesuit on top of his casual suit, opening the latch. It's time to find another example of moon rocks and continue writing his research.