"if I didn't know you, i'd rather not know . . .

if I couldn't have you, i'd rather be alone."

the smell of antibacterial liquids immediately greeted his senses by the moment he entered seoul national university hospital.

jeon jungkook silently cursed himself for not asking security min which department to go — now, he was lost in the middle of nowhere, not knowing who or where he should ask for the traces kim taehyung left behind. 

after walking to yet another intersection, jungkook contemplated on making left or right turn, before deciding on the latter. there, he saw a blonde-haired male nurse aggressively gulping down a cup of ramen behind the counter. 

"uh, excuse me?" jungkook scratched the back of his neck, doe eyes widening at the sight of the pissed nurse. oh no, i shouldn't have interrupted his late night snacking o'clock. "i'm so sorry to bother you, i'll come back in-"

"-just say it," he sighed after chewing a few times. "what the hell do you want, young man?"

"i w-want to ask if kim taehyung is here."

when jungkook blurted his last few words, the male nurse dropped his ramen cup and quaffed everything down. there was a hint of worry behind his gaze, as if he knew that this particular day would eventually come, for his once bothered facial expression had turned into an explosion of softness. 

releasing the breath he didn't know was holding, the male nurse grabbed a blue envelope from his desk and sighed in hesitance. "kim taehyung used to be a lifetime patient here . . . well, until something happened a couple weeks ago."

jungkook's heart dropped at the mention of patient.

"w-what?"

"three years ago, he was diagnosed with the final stage of thyroid cancer," now he knew why his hyung always wore a scarf around his neck. "he had done everything he could to survive. from thyroidectomy, radioactive iodine, to external irradiation — but none of them worked. i might came off detailed, but he was my assigned patient and i cared about him a lot."

something clicked inside his brain from how the male nurse was speaking. "w-why are you talking about hyung in past tense?"

the nurse only swallowed his saliva. 

"t-taehyung passed," a frown was etched across his lips. "two weeks ago, which explained why he never stopped by your cafe again. it was a nice monday morning when i came inside his room to deliver breakfast. instead of greeting me with that cute little boxy smile of his, the sunshine of the ward was still sleeping on his bed . . . and sadly never woke up."

hot tears began streaming down jungkook's face when everything started to make the perfect sense. how taehyung never got the time for outings, how he was always wearing scarf indoor — even when jeon's cafe had a perfectly working heater to keep the customers warm — and talked about the what ifs. how scared he was if they never got the chance to cross paths.

why am i late?

why am i always too late?

all jungkook wanted to do was to bury himself on taehyung's neck, asking for assurance that this was nothing but a dream. that he would wake up, and they would continue to talk over his favourite cinnamon-powdered caramel macchiato, demian and damson tower. but none of them was possible if the man he had came to love was now in a different world. 

"taehyung left you a letter," the male nurse spoke after fifteen minutes of silence and gave the envelope to jungkook. "seemed like he knew his time was up, so he wanted to bid his last goodbye."

"thank y-you," jungkook replied in between his sobs.

"dont worry. and, oh, my name is kim seokjin," nurse kim flashed the younger boy a genuine smile — one he hadn't expected since their first encounter — before standing up from his seat, ready to handle more visitors that were lining up from behind. "please let me know if you need anything."