TW: mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts

I've always been called crazy in some way. Crazy for my knees, my past, the way I react to things. I've been told nobody could ever love me because I'm too crazy.

I've accepted this. It still hurts sometimes. That I look at that girl in PE class too long, I'm chastised and ridiculed for being a crazy ass creep. I just thought she was pretty.

My one friend in high school was Nyah Blackwell, and Nyah Blackwell killed herself.

I see so much of her everywhere. In Archer. And I vaguely wonder what the hell he's hiding, because Nyah radiated so much positive energy, just like he does. It makes me worry for him in a way nobody will ever really understand.

I'll chase him around as long as I want to, as long as he never stops running.

"Hey, Vaeria," says Vea, sitting down near me, (they'd switched out with Archer, who is surprisingly a good driver) "Whatcha eating?"

"A chicken sandwich. Want a piece?"

"Sure."

So I give them the other half of my sandwich and together we enjoy a lunch out on the sea. It's barely 1:30 pm, but I've spent all day in the sun, my curly, poofy red hair just glowing the whole time. I love it. I love Summer so much. My birthday's even in Summer too, June 21st. It feels right that I was born on the longest day of the year.

I don't think Vea's used to it. Their style is so switched-up this time of year. I think they're still trying to figure themselves out, and how do I get that. I understand them. And I think they're a cute little thing. As a baby or something though.

"Wanna listen to my music? It's mainly Taylor Swift. Hope ya like that," I offer, handing Vea a headphone.

"Sure. Why not."

While Vea's listening to my playlist, my mind starts to drift.

One of the main reasons I wanted to do this boat trip and told everyone to pack all their things is because I knew I'd never be returning home again. Sorry is all people feel for me, and I can't stand it. Especially because technically they were the ones that killed Nyah, but somehow it's my loss.

Why did people ever bully her? She was so nice. I was a timid little bitch freshman year and she went right over to me, gave me a piece of watermelon gum and told me all about the asshole teachers (she would've been in college now, she was a sophomore then) that she just couldn't stand. Didn't even ask my name and I'd never felt more at home.

Sometimes, she'd break down over text and say she really wanted to die and that she just couldn't imagine living in a world where everyone hated her. Those messages about gave me a heart attack even then.

Her last text message had been and would always be "I loved, love, and will love you to the end of the universe and back forever."

She was never sentimental like that. I'd called her about sixteen times before I drove over to her house and screamed louder than I ever had before.

Nyah was dead right in front of me, hanging from the goddamn rafters and everything. Black and blue all over like a bruise.

Why, Nyah?

I'm sorry..

Suddenly I'm transported back to reality by a loud "sTay" from one of my favorite songs, All You Had to Do was Stay. Vea is bopping, and I smile. They definitely are a Swiftie-

Hunter came over to us and sat down. She started drawing a little something, and I peered over. It was.. me? I honestly thought she'd draw Mae, considering she never passed up a chance to admire her.

"Is that me?"

Hunter nodded.

"I love it," I say, grinning, "You even captured all my new little freckles-"

Hunter smiled and signed 'thank you'. I smiled back, knowing I'd probably just made someone's day, or at the very least, made them smile. That felt good to do. I tried to do it a lot.

All of a sudden, in the middle of this wholesome moment, Karla yells, "GUYS- GUYS- WE HAVE A SHIP KITTY-"

Indeed, Karla is holding a small orange tabby cat. I did dock the boat near a farm with cats, so I'm not surprised we have a ship kitty. I am surprised Karla brought cat food.

"IT GOT FED AND EVERYTHING- and I CHECKED- IT'S A GIRL- WHAT SHOULD WE NAME IT-"

And so everyone began to fight over the name. Vea thought it should be Ocean, because that's where we found the cat. Archer didn't have any ideas. Hunter thought it should be Sea. Karla thought it should be Little Baby. Mae thought it should be Arrow.

I thought it should be Nyah, but I didn't want to bring a dead girl's name onto a small cat.

"What are your ideas, Vaeria?" asks Archer.

"It's probably stupid," I say, "But um," I gulp down my fear, hoping my bravery isn't overshadowed, "How about Nyah?"

"That's beautiful- I like that," says Archer.

"Honestly? Me too."

"Me three."

And just like that, everyone agreed the ship kitty would be named Nyah. It made me happy. That was such a great way to honor her memory.

"KITTY IS HAPPY-" yells Karla. "LOOK AT HER-"

And so we all did, indeed, look at the kitty. She was so cute. She even meowed at us.

"Meow!" the little kitty said, before jumping out of Karla's arms and hopping to Mae's head!

"Oh my goodness, hi Nyah," says Mae, laughing as the cat got stuck in her hair.

"Wait; guys, when should we dock for food?"

"What do you mean?"

"I checked, we only have enough food to last us like a week."

"Oh shit yeah- Maybe we could just boat for a week, dock for a week, boat for another, whatever."

"Yeah-!"

"WE ARE READY TO VOYAGE-"

I got ready to drive again but realized Archer wanted to do so I silently let him drive. I've learned to be less stubborn about shit like that around these people.

I still get up and clean off the boat deck, it had been a mess since the last time it was taken out was.. when I was like, thirteen, and I was now eighteen. We used to go more often before my legs happened, and then turned worse.

It was so bad then. I'm still trying to navigate how to deal with my joints being shit cause my knees got smashed in wrong at seven years old, and it messed up my joints and my knees never stay in place now, not without help.

I realize braces don't work, at least. You can't exactly brace a knee unless the brace was like, rotatable, cause then I could either never sit or never stand, and both sound like hell. They're uncomfortable too. Yeah, no braces for me.

A lot of people in my family thought the world would simply just end when it happened. They thought I'd never walk again. They thought I simply couldn't be without something going wrong. And some days, I really can't. But I'm walking now, I'm breathing now. Everyone criminally underestimated me.

"Can I help you clean, Vaeria?" asks Vea.

"Oh sure! I always could use someone to help me do this. God it's been forever since we even went on it. Feels weird I'm going alone."

"You're not alone. You're with us."

"True. But my family, I'm without them. That's what I mean."

"Yeah. I get that. Some people felt like family to me but I had to leave them behind."

"The world always knows who you need to leave, Vea. You're not a monster for doing so."

"And you're not my therapist so why do you sound just like her-"

I start laughing loudly, realizing that I really did sound like a therapist. That definitely lightened the mood.

"I literally did that on accident-"

"Are you a natural therapist?-"

"No. I need therapy-"

"SAME," yells Vea, laughing as much as I am now. I smile wide.

I felt nice and at home on the boat, like a warm blanket, or sitting near the fireplace on a cold day, or a cat purring on your lap.

But every time I'm having fun, my mind seems to always flash to Nyah. Not the cat. The dead girl. I'm leaving her behind, I'm leaving everyone to start a new life of my own.

Because nothing I owned was really mine. I feel like, when I was there, everyone took, and took, and took, like I was a motherfucking gold mine and not a person. Nyah was the only person that gave.

But here, all I do is give, and nobody takes, they give too. Because we're all traumatized teenagers who wanted to get away from our old lives. We needed a fresh start. A good start. And this was it.

Hunter's next to me, not even cleaning anymore. She's looking straight at Mae, who's driving now. When Mae smiled at her, I literally almost witnessed her melt right into the ground.

I may feel bad for laughing, or smiling, but I don't owe that to anyone.

So I shoot a knowing glance and smirk Hunter's way.

It's my life. Not anyone else's.