lemme just be self-indulgent real quick because I am exceedingly fragile and I need it

EDIT: TW WALLY'S DEATH IS A THEME THROUGHOUT

Dick's index finger tapped on the steering wheel nervously. What was he doing? This was perhaps his dumbest idea. Yet there he was on the highway, driving to a place he really didn't want to go. In the passenger seat was a diary that once belonged to Wally. He glanced at it from time to time, nervously chewing his bottom lip. That leather bounded book with a gold latch on it was the reason he was driving. He'd found it in their apartment, although, he supposed it was just his apartment now since he was gone. Dick preferred the word gone over dead. It had less punch to it. Dead was so finite. Someone being gone meant they could or would come back. Sure it was a pipe dream to have but he couldn't help but have it. He'd found the diary when cleaning up for the first time in months. He didn't feel like he had to keep it. In the back of his car was the rest of Wally's stuff that he thought he didn't deserve to keep even though he wanted to keep them so desperately. However, he'd been the one to get him killed so he couldn't have them. His family needed the possessions more. They deserved the comfort he didn't. He'd debated on going to Barry's house to drop off the things. Would the hero even want to see him? Sure, he'd been all for their relationship but how could he feel the same about Dick after what happened? Would showing up just make his grieving worse?

As he parked in front of Barry's house, he began a fiercer debate. Maybe they didn't see him park up so if he just drove away now he wouldn't have to face them. He could just keep the stuff at his place. It's not like they asked for it. Then his eyes would fall on the diary Wally kept. Dick had read through it in one of his low moments. It made him feel close to him when he read the thoughts. Wally gushed about how much he loved his uncle and auntie. They were talked about on every other page. There weren't many fights written about and Dick doubted that they had a lot. Wally and Barry weren't like him and Bruce. Maybe because they compromised more than him and Bruce did. Keeping his stuff just wasn't fair on them. It wasn't fair on Wally. He sucked in a deep breath and undid his seatbelt. All he had to do was pass over the stuff, say his condolences, maybe deal with someone he loved and cared for yell at him then go home. Easy peasy. He could deal with that. Right? Judging by the sudden frog in his throat it wouldn't be easy. All the same, he had to do it. For Wally. He picked up the diary and got out of his car before grabbing the box that was in the boot of his car. He locked his car to make sure that he went through with giving the things back. Dick needed the motivation to do it.

The walk up to the front door was the longest thing he'd ever done. The night air was freezing cold but he felt boiling hot. He blamed his nerves for making his hands clammy. Things had been so hard recently, he just wanted to give up and sob right on the doorstep. He couldn't stand not knowing how they would react to him showing up. Dick took in another deep breath. He choked on it, feeling the cold burrow it's way into his lungs. Eventually, after what felt like forever, he got to the doorstep. That's when he became paralyzed. Should he knock on the door? Ring the doorbell? Which was more considerate? Oh, what was he thinking, neither is good enough. He should go back to the car. No, he made it this far, he could deal with it. A trembling hand reached up to knock on the door. He wasn't ready. He'd sob if Barry even hinted that he didn't like him anymore. Perhaps he didn't think this through properly. He definitely didn't think this through properly. As he silently berated himself, the door began to open. Shit. Barry and Bart stared at him as he stared awkwardly back. "Oh. I-I uh was just about to erm knock," Dick stammered, unable to form a statement.

"Why? Have you come crawling back to be part of the team you left? Well, we don't want you, thank you very much," Bart snapped. Worst case scenario. Dick bit his lip and looked away, visibly tearing up at the greeting. 

"I just w-wanted to give you h-his things." He quickly handed over the box and speed-walked away from the door to the safety of his car.

Suddenly Barry was stood in front of Dick, holding him still by grabbing his shoulders. Dick winced, ready to be yelled at. He squeezed his eyes shut and accidentally let a few tears loose in the process. "Hey, it's alright," Barry said reassuringly. Dick opened his eyes in shock. He hadn't expected to hear something so soft come from someone he was expecting to scream profanities. The tears were coming thick and fast at the unexpected tone. He couldn't help himself. Barry smiled and pulled him into a hug, gently shushing him. He glanced over to Bart, giving him a light glare for setting him off. Whether he received the glare or not, Bart had paled from his guilt. He ran over and felt even guiltier when he could hear Dick's breath hitching. "I'm sorry. I just- I missed you, man. Everyone has," Bart apologized. Dick pulled away from Barry, attempting, and failing, to wipe away his tears as fast as they fell. 

"I-It's fine. M-my fault for not k-keeping in contact. Every-everything's my fault these days," he replied, trying his best to talk through his tears. After taking a deep breath and shoving his emotions back down into the pit where they were locked away, he was able to get his words out more clearly. "Sorry. Shouldn't be crying. I'll erm see you around," he added, attempting to go back to his car. He was once again blocked by Barry. 

"Hold your roll buddy. There's no way I'm letting you go home like this," he insisted. Dick opened his mouth to protest but was cut off by Barry and Bart pulling him back into the house.

In the light of the hallway, his self-neglect was clear. He'd clearly not been sleeping well, his dull blue eyes were paired with dark bags. His black locks were messy and unkept with conditioner or shampoo still in his hair from where he couldn't be bothered to wash it out. His clothes hung loosely off his shoulders. He'd always been thin but he'd definitely gotten thinner than the last time they'd seen him. Dick looked as bad as he felt. A terrible cold or something along those lines was creeping up on him but he elected to ignore that. "You didn't need to bring his stuff to us," Barry assured him, picking up the box. 

"It's for the best. You guys need it," Dick responded.

"You were his family too. He really loved you," the older disputed. He saw Dick tear up again and couldn't help but sigh. "I wish you'd come over sooner. Iris has been wondering when you'd be stopping by."

"Well I thought you wouldn't want me around," Dick admitted, smiling nervously.

"Of course not! Dick, you could become a supervillain tomorrow and I'd still try to invite you to Sunday dinner," Barry joked. They shared an airy chuckle. A weight lifted off Dick's shoulder's at the news but of course, he'd always hold his self-blame there. He couldn't help but do it. 

"Thank you."

"Hand over your keys so I can put this back in your car. I want to make sure you leave with them."

Dick surrendered his car keys and Barry returned the box to the boot of his car. "Iris! Dick is here!" Bart announced.

"Oh, I don't want to intrude on-"

"Dick, is that you? You look tired," Iris greeted, walking into the hallway. They walked towards each other, Dick being too shy to meet halfway so she happily closed the gap. She reached up and put a hand on his face, frowning to herself. "Too thin." He hummed, unable to say anything. She tutted and brought his face down so she could lightly kiss his forehead. "We were getting worried. I suppose I got used to having you here with him." Tears bubbled up in both their eyes at the hint of Wally. She sighed and wiped her eyes, putting on a smile. "Enough of that. Go sit down and I'll get you something to eat. That's if those two haven't eaten it all. Told them to go out to get more food, they're always sneaking it away." He laughed softly.

"Believe me, it was a shock to see my food still there when I open the fridge." She chuckled. They'd been close over the years, bonding over their speedster lovers and the annoyances that came with them. Yet they still loved their speedsters. For every little annoyance, there were ten things that made up for it. Dick hoped Wally knew how much he loved him. He doubted it. They'd had a massive fight before things went sour. They never found time to rectify the situation. "You don't have to make a fuss over me. Dropping in was really rude of me," he added.

"Oh stop. You're welcome here anytime. Sit. Please." Unable to go against her, he took a seat on the couch she was pointing to, immediately joined by Bart who was still looking rather guilty for his previous comments and their effects. 

"It's fine, you know?"

"Not really. I shouldn't have been like that. It was a real Richard move." Dick laughed, rolling his eyes. 

"I shouldn't have left the way I did. Suppose I have a lot of apologizing to do if I see your team again."

"Not if, when. You're coming back right?"

Dick thought to himself. He'd never thought about going back. He didn't particularly want to. Not after where his bad decisions lead him. All those years building up confidence only to have it go down like a lead balloon. No, he couldn't go back. He'd be a bad example to the young heroes. "I don't have it in me to lead I'm afraid. Not right now." Bart nodded and gave him an empathetic glance.

"That's fair. We miss you though. Tim complains about hardly seeing you outside of work. It's annoying," he complained.

"I've been keeping to myself really. They know I care about them right? I wish I could say they could come to me if somethings wrong but I'm probably the last person who can give good advice."

"I'll make sure they know," Bart assured him. He turned on the TV and flipped through the channels before pausing. "I really miss him."

"Yeah, me too. Feels empty not having him around." They looked at each other, sharing their silent sympathies. Wordlessly, they hugged. They both needed it more than anything. Words weren't really needed between them. Neither wanted to hear the usual responses when someone died. It was far too common and got boring fast. Hugging was enough.

Iris returned with a bowl of casserole and made sure he ate it all. She'd put more in a plastic box for him, hoping it would give him enough incentive to eat more. She didn't doubt that he was still going on patrol whilst not eating right. Dick always went on self destruct when something bad like this happened. She wished it wasn't how it went but it did and there wasn't much stopping it. Iris made a note to scold Bruce on not visiting him more often during the trying time. "I should probably get going. Patrol and all," he announced. He gave her a soft kiss on the temple as she passed over the meals. He was looking brighter in spirits but they all knew it was only temporary. "Take care of yourself. I want you to come round every weekend. Even if it's only for a few minutes," Iris ordered.

"I will. Thanks for having me," he replied. He knew better than to argue with her over the topic. She'd only outsmart him and get what she wanted. 

"See you next weekend," Bart and Barry called. They'd both become invested in the TV show they'd stumbled across. Dick waved goodbye and went to his car. In his mirror, he noticed something brightly coloured in the boot. He was sure nothing was brightly coloured when packed up Wally's things. He got out his car and walked over to the boot, opening it up. On top of the box was a bright yellow hoodie. He knew it well. It'd been Wally's favourite hoodie from when they were kids. Why was it in his car? He hadn't found it at his apartment. Unless. He looked back to the house, seeing Barry giving him a little thumbs up in the window. Dick chuckled to himself, returning the thumbs up before getting in his car and driving off. On his drive, Dick made sighed to himself. Not taking care of himself like that. What would Wally think? He tutted. He should've visited earlier and he vowed to visit more often. He'd forgotten how much they loved him.