Follow on from he's a child again - a lil character thing on Bruce being in therapy and wanting to be a better parent

for someone who's been to therapy three times, i struggled writing this so i really got nothing from therapy

Being in therapy was odd. Bruce had never gone to more than three or four sessions at a time, all of which he never really tried to engage especially with those in his youth. He'd used it to get out of things like meetings or school but he'd never truly gone expecting to be helped. He felt far too old to be sitting in a beige room with various house plants that were likely plastic. He'd been recommended this therapist (Dr Alison Cogg) by Michael Carter and although he didn't like the guy all that much, he knew that he'd been through his fair share of issues and Bruce felt more comfortable working with a therapist within Gotham rather than leaving to find someone. Especially now he had his young son to look after.

It was during one of these sessions that he reflected on the last conversation he had with Dick before he was turned into a child. He explained that he didn't quite understand what he did wrong during the interaction so she'd requested for him to recount it.

"I was thinking of moving again," Dick had said. They'd been on patrol together and he'd been off all night but Bruce didn't know why. He didn't think to ask why either. It wasn't really his thing to pry into the emotional well-being of his son although he knew it should be as a guardian to the man. Still, he always assumed the friends Dick kept around were picking up the slack for him. 

"Move where?" He hadn't seen the expression the younger was wearing but he was aware the tone was forcibly casual. He'd heard it before at galas when they got trapped in conversations they'd rather not be having. He didn't know why the tone had been used.

"Out of Blud. Find another city."

"There aren't many free cities around here," Bruce replied passively. 

"I know."

"Then where are you going?"

"I haven't figured that part out yet," he answered. "Bruce, I know you're not the most...expressive of people but I'm asking for a sign here. Tell me not to go and I won't." Still not turning to see his ward, Bruce frowned at the computer screen because he didn't understand the request. It was contradicting in nature and he knew that Dick always tried to make things easy for him to read.

"Why are you telling me to ask you not to go when you're already deciding to go?"

"I want reassurance that if I stay here then things will change and to do that, I need to hear from you that you want me to stay. I know you want me to stay, you do so much better with everyone here and God knows you need us just as much as we need you if not more but I can't stay here without you admitting that. I need to know you need me," he insisted. Bruce wasn't following the logic so he just shook his head as though what was being asked of him was comparable to asking someone to make a primary colour. 

"If you want to go then go," he stated simply. The answer was simple, wasn't it?

"I don't want to go." Dick sounded exasperated as though he was completely missing the point but he didn't understand what the point was.

"Then why are you asking me any of this? Just stay if you want to stay and go if you want to go."

"Oh my- Bruce I'm telling you that I can't keep living like this. We can't keep playing happy families if I'm unsure whether you want me around or not. I want you to tell me once and for all that you want me here. With you." What was that old phrase? If you love something let it go and it'll come back to you. Was that what he was supposed to do now?

"I'd like for you to stay."

"That's not what I asked from you!"

"I won't make you stay here if you're not happy to do so. It shouldn't matter what I want." That was decidedly the wrong thing to say. He heard Dick suck in a deep breath before sighing quietly. He sounded defeated. 

"What if tonight was the last night we spoke to one another? What if in the morning, I packed up all of my stuff and just left with no note or anything? What would you say to me then?" He was desperately trying to get his point across but whatever it was, it kept going over Bruce's head. He didn't understand.

"I'd say, good luck, stay safe and it was nice working with you."

"Is that it?" He turned at this point to finally take in what Dick looked like and his chest became tight when he saw him. There was something so defeated in his expression, something that could only be there through years of disappointment. "You wouldn't ask me to stay? Wouldn't tell me how much you want me here?"

"I wouldn't ask you to stay if you'd already made your mind up to go. I could never do that to you." The expression didn't soften. In fact, it worsened. 

"Okay. Well, I have my answer." He pinched his brow. "Why'd you have to make things so hard for me B? I don't get what you want from me when I seem so disposable to you."

"You've left before and now you're here. You're never able to leave for long."

"What if this time I was?"

"I doubt it." The acrobat nodded slowly then plastered on a painfully fake smile. 

"Ah well, I'm still looking for places so I'll keep you updated. Remind Damian that I'm meeting up with him after my patrol," he said with the forced causality his voice had held before. He walked over to his bike to leave which was immediately bad because he always stayed the night when finishing his patrol in Gotham. Bruce wanted to say something but feared it would worsen things. As he watched Dick ready himself to leave, he saw the man hesitate before putting his helmet on. "Wouldn't it be funny if this was the last time we spoke?"

"No. No, it wouldn't be."

"Would you be happy with how you left it?"

"No. I don't think so." Dick nodded slowly.

"I've said what I needed to say. See you around B."

He'd been mad when Dick came back a few days later, not realising immediately that his ward was a child and his response to him had been clipped as a result. 

"I mean how is it fair that he worried me like that? I thought I was going to lose him. I didn't mean to snap at him when he came back," he told her, shaking his head. "I don't know what he wanted from me even now. How was I supposed to handle that?" 

"It sounds to me that he wanted you to say you wanted him there. That you wanted him within your family," Dr Cogg replied. "Now, you said that he recently had a breakdown? Could you describe to me what that was about?"

"Why is that relevant?" he asked, slightly defensive. He didn't like sharing too much about his family in their meetings, partly because they hadn't consented to be mentioned and because this was meant to be for him to work on himself not to pass the blame onto them. Dick was an odd exception though. With the older part of him lost and only the younger part remaining, he couldn't help but mention him multiple times. That and he'd been a massive factor in his life at this point.

"You don't have to reveal anything you don't want to. I'd like to know to confirm my theory and perhaps give you some help in understanding what your child is requesting of you even though he's not the same person you spoke about." He worried his bottom lip before letting out a sigh. If it meant that he could be better then he couldn't say no.

"He was worried we wouldn't want him anymore. He thought that he was going back to Arkham and he destroyed his room, that way he could go out on his own terms or at least feel like he did," he explained. She nodded and went quiet for a moment before seemingly coming to a conclusion.

"You clearly love your family and I'm sure they're aware of that but I believe when Dick asked you to tell him to stay, he was asking you to verbally confirm your love for him. You kept assuming your children knew you cared and when your child asked to confirm, you, unfortunately, misread the signs as him making sure you'd be okay with him leaving." 

"But he wanted to leave in the first place? Why would he want me to tell him I wanted him to stay if he was going to leave?"

"He said, from your recollection, that he couldn't stay if things didn't change. Bruce, what Dick provided with you that night was an ultimatum. He wanted you to change and he wanted to be around to see that but to do so, he needed to know you wanted him there too," Dr Cogg answered. "Granted, his methods were cryptic but it's clear to me that he was using you verbally stating you wanted him there, by verbally expressing your emotions which you so rarely did, he would take that as a sign to stay. Your son never wanted to leave you, he wanted you to change and saw no other method other than threatening to go." The room was silent as that fact settled in. Bruce leaned back in his chair as though knocked away by the revelation. 

"Dick had run away before when he was sixteen, I always assumed it was rebellion or that he simply needed to go but was that because he wanted me to go after him?"

"I'm unable to speculate on the thoughts of someone who isn't here and I think it would be best for you to do the same. Dick is still here, still young and still anxious about his place in the family by the sounds of things. You shouldn't speculate on the man he was and should concentrate on his needs now."

"So...I should tell him I want him around?" Dr Cogg nodded, smiling encouragingly.

"You need to be more verbal in your affirmations. Talk to your kids, tell them you love them and enjoy spending time with them. They likely already know that but hearing it can be extremely beneficial especially if you've had communication issues before." 

"Right."

"Don't beat yourself up about this. This isn't the time to pity yourself but instead, the time to recognise the improvements you're making."

"I just," he paused as he revised his words. "I worry that all the parts of my kids that hold them back in making meaningful connections with others or just go to make things worse for them, I worry that all that comes from me. What if all of that is because I failed as a parent to them?" His question seemed to stump her which did nothing for his confidence. 

Obviously, he didn't want it to be true but if it was then ignoring it would only make things worse, wouldn't it? He desperately wanted to do better, for Dick to be as well adjusted as possible and hopefully he could reconnect with his kids that he'd been failing to meet the standards of recently but he couldn't help but yearn to be told he didn't do anything wrong. He wanted to be told that despite his influence, his kids would retain their flaws because then his delay to receive help would only have consequences for him. Bruce could live with that.

"You love your kids and you're in extenuating circumstances. I can't say that if everything remained as it were but you came to someone like me sooner that they wouldn't struggle. Unfortunately, I also can't say that your own problems have perhaps caused the issues they face."

"Nature vs nurture," he commented distantly. He wasn't at all comforted by her.

"Something like that. It's good you're acknowledging it and your coming here is likely going to encourage them to seek help too." Dr Cogg gave him a sympathetic smile. "It's never too late to change." He hoped so.

When he came back from therapy, he felt distinctly drained. It wasn't exactly easy to realize you'd completely missed the point of your final conversation with your son and then realize your actions have consequences not only for yourself but for others around you. He'd remained in the car for a little longer than necessary and then entered his home. For a brief moment, there was silence before he noticed Dick hurriedly making his way down the stairs and running over to him. The boy wore a bright smile and hugged his leg tightly. 

"You were gone for ages!" Dick complained before stepping back and reaching up. One day he'd get far too big to be picked up but Bruce couldn't help but crumble at the request. He needed the hug anyway. 

"Traffic was bad," he replied.

"Nuh uh, I watched you from the window. You waited in your car!"

"Uh...there was...a song. Yes, a song I liked was playing on the radio." The younger gave him a sceptical look but shrugged it off easily. "Do you always watch me from the window?"

"Yup, that way I know if you need hugs or if you need alone time." 

"And now?"

"You needed hugs and since you're carrying me, you can help me get a book from the library." Bruce quirked an eyebrow but found he was already walking in the direction of the room.

"Why couldn't you get it?"

"Alfie banned me from using the ladders again because I showed Damian some tricks. In my defence, no one said I couldn't use it to free fall," he explained.

"I would have hoped that was obvious," Bruce muttered although he couldn't help the smile that tugged on his features. It was just so like his ward to get banned from using ladders in the most eccentric way possible. He wouldn't be surprised if he'd next be banned from using the washing line because he decided to do a tightrope act on it. "Which book was it?"

"The blue one with the gold diamonds on the top shelf," Dick explained, pointing to it once they reached the library. With so many books in the collection, it took the billionaire a few moments to find it amongst the shelves even with Dick's aggressive pointing. "Tim said it's got cool facts about dragons in it but he left before he could give it to me and Alfred watches me like a hawk all day so I couldn't get it for myself! Even the officers in juvie didn't watch me this much." Dick seemed to take pause and rethink what he said now that he'd said it aloud. "That's probably a bad thing huh?"

"Yeah, but you're here now aren't you?" The younger nodded with a grin which only grew when he was handed the book he wanted and excitedly flicked through it. "Uhm, I just wanted to that I want. You. Here. With me."

"Gee, wanna say it with a bit more confidence?" Dick teased. 

"I want you to be here with me because I care about you. I'm happy you're here." The younger hummed and fiddled with the edges of the hardcover.

"Even though I'm nine and not old?"

"Being in your twenties is not old."

"It's super old!"

"Dick, I'm fifty-four. What does that make me?"

"I don't think you wanna hear that answer," he replied cheekily. Bruce rolled his eyes and let go of him, knowing that he'd land on his feet. "For the record, I love you too. Now, about the ladder ban?"

"You're still banned."

"Still not risking the butler's wrath then?"

"Not if I can help it."

"Ah well, worth a shot."