I need to cry. I really need it. But I can't. No matter how hard I tried, I can't. Listening to music didn't help. Painting didn't help. Watching movies also didn't help.
I want to tell my secret. I want to tell you about it so bad. But you're hurting. All of you. Then I can't . You've been dealing with enough.
But if it's possible, I will to tell you that I'm so tired, so empty. I can't feel sadness anymore, sympathy or happiness. I'm simply losing my emotions. Aren't I? I don't know either. When you came to me to find ressurance, I actually couldn't feel that much. I just did everything by experience, without any feeling.
I'm empty. But at the same time, there's too much to feel. I want to shout out the whole thing, but everytime I scroll through our chat box, I can't make myself do it. I want to eat candies, cakes and other food, but I feel guilty everytime I stuff food into my mouth. I know that it's okay, but I keep feeling fat. I know I shouldn't hurt myself, since people'll find out my action eventually. But they're just a few marks, they don't even bleed. I think I want to die, but I want to live at the same time. No, I can't die, because dying is too easy. I have to survive to pay for the sins I've made. Living is my punishment. So I have to do it.
I need help. Truly need. I know I don't have depression, because there's no voice in my head. I know I don't have anxiety, since I don't bite my nails when I'm nervous. I don't even experience through lost, grief or any kind of misery. But sometimes I wish I had one of those diseases. That way I will have at least an explanation for my actions, my thoughts, my procastination, my stupidity. But I have none of them. So I keep slipping.
I can't say that while I was comforting you, there was also a hurricane in my mind. As then I will be self-centered, and I bet no one wants that part of me. You only come for me to find comfort, I should just give you that.