...

...

Right now, there was nothing I could despise other than myself.

I continued blaming my own fear of death, otherwise I could have easily jumped into the sea. All of my tries failed because I was too weak to ignore my feelings from overwhelming my thoughts. A strong-willed person will simply hop off, even with one's attempt of interference. I was just... too sensitive and emotional of everything.

"I don't know whether you should keep living or die. It's really sad seeing you being so damn pitiful. Either way, you're still a pathetic excuse of a human." Something grumbled inside my head. I didn't take heed of it and ignored its insults as best as I can. I have to stay strong, until I finally found the courage to do it.

Meanwhile, I was trailing behind Rena as we headed for the bench just straight ahead. I tried to stay behind, keeping some sort of a distance, but Rena always waited for me to catch up somehow. Whenever I looked at her, she would just give me a small smile, and of course... I have to force myself to return her the favor, letting her know that I was fine. Please don't let her find out... or else... this will be a big mess.

As Rena made herself comfortable on the spot she had chosen, I decided to settle close to her, so that she wouldn't suspect anything. I leaned against the bench and just looked down to the ground... like what I had always done. Rena seemed to relish the blast of nature, but I couldn't enjoy it any longer, even when I was supposed to. After all, there was no purpose if I kept messing everything up.

Again, nothing pretty much mattered anyway.

"The sky's really looking g-gray, don't you think...?" Rena suddenly began, feeling her eyes on me. "I think it's gonna be all cloudy the whole day, so... g-guess there will be nothing to see in the skies tonight."

"Yeah." I simply agreed. Clearly she was trying her best not to drown us in awkward silence, but to some extend, I wasn't alone. She was pretty much seeing the colorless scenery like I did, but the next comment she created caused my heart to slightly drop for no reason.

"Honestly I don't really like cloud days, but I have to admit f-finding this view quite appealing." She had her attention to the open sea as it thrusted its choppy, tall waves against the helpless shore. "The nature noises just made it ten times better."

Despite my reaction, I wasn't completely surprised. It was typical of Rena, she loved finding some positive factors or the beauty even in the ugliest, unsightly things. She just accepted  people so easily, despite all their wrongdoings and flaws. At the thought, the heaviness inside of me multiplied, which caused a slight wave of nausea to linger around.

"You really should be enjoying this, Ed." Rena turned her attention on me. "I mean... you had gone through so much yesterday, so you need to use this time to clear out some of your stress... and just r-relax."

"I guess so." I blatantly lied, fiddling on my hood strings. I couldn't even relax anymore, even if I wanted to. My body was entirely stiff right now, and no matter how much I wanted my muscles to loosen a bit, they refused. My mind was clogged with too much thoughts that not even this place could clear it away. My stress level... well, it was better if there were no related questions asked.

"A... Anyway, wanna get some ice cream?" She offered, and she stood up from her seat. "I think there's a stand around here somewhere, but I-I don't know the exact place..."

"No." I refused, shaking my head. "I'm not in the mood for eating. Besides, my breakfast this morning was big enough to sustain me until the afternoon."

"Y-You sure? It will be a refreshment, and it will make you feel better." She tried to convince. "I w-would love some
ice cream as well."

"Yeah, I'm good." I locked my gaze with hers. "...Sorry about that."

Such a hypocrite... am I? I used to condescend and insult people who repeatedly apologize for something they had done. Now, I was slowly becoming one of them.

"Oh, alright t-then. It's fine. I'm not forcing you." The disappointment that filled her tone was unnerving, although she chose to sit back down beside me. For a moment, there were no words exchanged, but I knew Rena wasn't the type of person to like awkward silences. Judging on how deep she was in her thoughts, she was indeed contemplating about what to talk next.

When she finally did find a topic, she simultaneously cast me a reassuring smile.

"You know Ed... if you really h-have problems you need help with, you can always talk to me." She mumbled under her breath. "W-well.. you don't need to force yourself though. Just find a time when you're comfortable to talk about it. I'm... a-always here to help."

"...Yeah, thanks." I simply thanked her, but I knew where this was all going. She was already fed up with me, and she was just hiding her colors so it appeared like she cared for me, when she truly didn't. I knew she would be the same like the others. She just gave advices so that she seemed to be trusting enough, and if she succeeded... she would begin tearing me apart.

...just like in the dream this morning.

I decided to glance at the time of my phone, and I noticed that it had been more than an hour since I left my house. Well... the bus ride pretty much made up half of it, but I was unaware of spending so much time talking with Rena. There were also three new text notifications, but I guessed they were probably from Mother. Sigh, she still didn't trust me entirely...

Still, I have to at least try to talk to Rena... maybe about Seb or something that divert her attention away from getting into me. She briefly mentioned him, but she didn't go in details. Remember... I couldn't just stay silent the whole time, even if I wanted to...

I have to keep reminding myself.

"Say, about Seb..." I breathed. "Did he not speak something... like anything...?"

"Nope." She answered almost immediately. "N-Never heard of him ever since he stormed off days ago. I'm honestly kinda worried about him, but I kinda l-leave him to be so that he could sort off his thoughts... How about you?"

"Not a word either. I just heard that he had been really busy with his job... that he refused to leave his room." Heh, why would he texted me? He was pretty much mad at everyone, even Rena herself. I was pretty sure that if he learned about me yesterday, he didn't bother giving a fuck. Not that I wanted any flying fucks from anybody, anyway.

"Last time we texted, Seb is on his projects. He worked hard, so I thought he had completed them, but..." She abruptly paused on her words and slightly looked away, and was quiet for a while. The next minute, she was quick on abandoning her previous words, and jumped into the next topic as if nothing happened. "...I really have to do something. I couldn't just stand here and be a bystander. I have to bravely... tell Seb about how I feel. Even if it hurts, but at least... he was left with an answer, and... h-hopefully... everything's settled."

"...Yeah, I hope so as well." I agreed. Good, if she was focused on the others and not me... it would be even more better. I would be able to work out my secret plan without any obstacles.. and at last... I will finally succeed.

"And about Aly... well... we're kinda settled about it, but y-you still had to do something. She seemed a little off... and yeah, like what I said before, she didn't feel like coming out as much." She explained, fidgeting. "M-Maybe... you should tell how you feel as well, and in that way... s-she will feel a little bit better."

"...Yeah... I will do that soon." I didn't know what to say, so I just said anything that randomly popped in my head. My brain felt so stuffed that I couldn't even process most of what I was thinking. All I was focused was the plan and wishing for it to run well. That's it.

My phone suddenly vibrated on my hoodie pocket, which drove me to pick it up. Unsuprisingly, I was bombarded with more message notifications, probably coming from Mother. Sighing heavily, I decided to read the texts, even though I had known most of its contents, and I was right.

She really took her paranoia to its worst. She was literally asking where I had been, begging me to return as quickly as possible and not to run away again. She did mention about Rena, but only whether she was accompanying me or not. I had no intentions to reply since I didn't know what to answer, but I wouldn't want her to freak out and start complaining to Father, and then to the others who are completely uninvolved.

Ed where are you

You're still with Rena right

Its been an hour

Please come home

Ed you're not planning on doing anything do you?

Please reply

I'm fine, Mom. I will be back soon, don't worry.

The only way to appease her wishes was to return home immediately. There was no other choice... but not that I wanted to spend most of my time in here. Being in this park raised the chances of triggering mg past memories. After all... I had promised to myself that this would be a quick trip, so there was no time to hang out.

"I have to go back home." I abruptly announced, shooting out of my seat, which slightly threw Rena back.

"Wait... you're d-done?" She raised both of her eyebrows, standing up as well.

"Yeah, I have to go, otherwise my mother keeps worrying about me." I reasoned, shoving my phone back to its place. I instinctively ran my hair through my hair.

"Oh... well... I don't blame her, h-honestly." Rena sheepishly laughed. "Well, why don't you go right now? You don't want her to make any  misunderstandings."

I nodded, straightening my hoodie and brushed the dust off my pant, before I found myself blurting these words: "If you still want to talk more, we can just chat through the phone."

"Of course." Rena gladly accepted as she beamed delightfully.

What the hell did I just say...? In a heartbeat, there was a huge feeling of regret washing over me. Congratulations idiot, you just make everything worse. You're just ruining your own plans, good fucking job.

***

"You just commit another stupid mistake, Edward, even the word 'pathetic' is a mere understatement. Such a genius you are."

The voices continued venting off their frustration while I was silently riding the bus home. If only I could block them off with my earphones and blast some music, I could blissfully ignore them until they gave up and quietened down. I rolled my eye and kept sitting there, almost being invisible to the other passengers.

Not to mention, a group of guys that was right beside me, severely ltested my patience. Their irritating, loud conversations, especially their laughter, were getting through my nerves. I wished I could hush them down, but I was no match against them, especially their bodies were larger in size. I decided I had enough, and sneaked to the front of the bus. Like they acknowledged my presence, anyway.

Ugh... times like these made me miss my headset...

These annoying dumbfucks stayed throughout the entire ride till I arrived at my station. I never felt so relieved and grateful as I hopped out of the bus, where my assaulted ears were finally freed of their stupid shit. I could finally journeyed through the neighborhood, and before I knew it, I was back at home.

Myla wasn't there anymore, while she was supposedly the one who firstly greet me with her excited barks and her furious, wagging tail. She was probably having fun with Lu somewhere else, having the time of her life. She was better there with her than being stuck with me.

Instead of the dog, the first person that I came across to was Mother. She was in the living room, sitting on the couch. and when her eyes rested on me, her body slightly loosened and her features subdued.

"I actually think that you might run off again." She murmured, her voice was mildly unstable.

"No, I won't." I convinced, stressing on my tone so that it was believable enough. "I was only going out with Rena at the park, nothing more, nothing less."

No words came out of her, but she was continuously shaking her head. She rubbed one of her eyes with her finger, as if she was wiping a tear away.

...Why would Mother even cry... though...

I decided to wait until I was sure she didn't need me for anything. When she spoke no more, I felt that it was the perfect time to leave her be, so I rapidly headed upstairs.

On my way, I managed to take a glimpse of Lu on the corner of my vision, as I glanced at her bright, fiery hair. I just passed by her without saying a word, despite the fact that I heard my name being called out. She didn't even bother stopping me as I strolled towards my room without any distractions.

After closing the door, I harshly locked it behind me, and then... my body just slid to the floor.

I folded my legs, and enwrapped my arms around them. My vision was nothing but a blur as I began to drift away from the reality, and back to the overwhelming darkness. My brain was shutting down due to overload of... things, so there was nothing I could do besides being lost in the void, being mindless and waiting until I recovered for a bit.

I was immensely struggling on keeping my broken pieces together, and I didn't know how much days left until I... went off the rails. All I knew that time was quickly running out, which explained why I felt that my... horrendous fate was getting closer and closer. All I wanted was just a safe haven where there will be no agony... no problems... no flaws... nothing.

I just have to wait until it finally comes, sweeps me under my feet and drags me away from this world.

Without any warning, a tear escaped my eye, followed by another one... then another one... and another one. It seemed unstoppable now, and then... I just... kind of lost it. I began smashing both of my fists against the floor, as my bones underneath rattled with pain. I was literally bawling, but it was subdued by my thick hoodie. I didn't know when will this meltdown stop, but for sure... this one lasted longer.

Why am I so... fucking useless...?

Why can't I do anything right..?

Why can I only make mistakes and more mistakes?

Why was I even born at the first place..?

WHY?!

I mentally shouted as I wailed.

The voices that were so damn loudmouth the whole time were never able to answer.

I'm so tired of acting normal... and acting like everybody else...

I'm so tired of being forced to talk...

I'm so tired of... being nothing but a burden...

I'm so tired of the pain and suffering...

I kept crying and crying, even when my throat burned and my eye swelled.

I just want... to be happy and free for once...

***

A/N: Ed's having another mental breakdown :( It was really depressing writing this chapter... but I hope you enjoyed it. As usual, don't forget to leave a vote and some comments.
My apologies for the late update and short chapter. I was having a mild case of writer's block, but I still managed to update :D

Question:
What do you think of Ed's meltdowns?

That's all for today. Hoping to see you next week!

- Tara