...

...

"What the hell are you thinking?!"

The voice of my sister pierced through my sudden blankness, bringing me back to the world. My heart accelerated at an alarming rate, probably on the verge of exceeding its limit. It forcefully thumped against my chest, colliding against my throbbing ribs. It could even soar out of my body if not for them and my skin. I could hear its thunderous beats piercing my eardrums, and I could feel it battering against my ribs. For some reason, my heavy breathings came out as a smoke while it escaped my lips.

As my vision slowly restored, I noticed Lu holding me down. I couldn't read her expression, but clearly she had somewhat... glassy eyes, her lips were trembling, and so did her entire body. She had her teeth shown, and it seemed that they were chattering. Even if she tried restraining both of my arms, I still couldn't move a thing, as if all my nerves controlling my muscles had been abruptly cut off.

"Are you crazy?!" She suddenly yelled, spitting traight at my stoned face. However, that was when reality slowly seeped back upon me, hitting me like a swinging hammer.

I should have died earlier...

I should not exist anymore, and I should have been somewhere else right now...

I should have successfully strangled myself to death, but it didn't let me. I survived the whole ordeal, because she... my sister... unexpectedly stepped into the scene and stopped me from... gaining freedom.

Fate was surely playing on me... It wanted to get rid of me, but at the same time, it wanted to torture and daunt me badly. It was seriously fucking with my head that I was literally abandoned with nothing but... tons of questions and disarrayed thoughts.

Why...?

Why did something want to keep me alive...?

Why does it not want me to be happy...?

Do I really have to suffer much longer...?

Well, in that case... I shouldn't be holding back anymore. I couldn't fail again, I have been waiting for the perfect time for days... and this chance was where I almost granted my wish.

I have enough of this... I couldn't just stand here and be in more excruciating pain...

I should stand up for myself...

"NO!!!" I found myself screaming and simultaneously, my voice cracked. "STAY AWAY!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!"

In a blink of an eye, there was a surge of emotions filling through me. Because of such energy, I was able to regain control of my body. I immediately used all of the remaining strength I have in an attempt to shove her away. However... the power was too feeble, that I didn't even budge her at all.

"You're not going anywhere, Ed!" She raised her tone back. "I won't let you do that, ever!"

"NO, DON'T STOP ME!!! JUST LET ME DO WHAT I WANT!!! SO LET ME GO!!! STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH ME!!!" I just... lost all of my cool. Who won't... when they had been stopped from doing what they desired too many times...?

"No, I won't!" She denied.

I tried squirming and wriggling myself away from Lu, but then... everything just weakened... like I have gradually ran out of energy. I couldn't scream at her anymore... and it barely came out as a quivering whisper.

"P-Please just l-let me die..." I implored, as my I choked on my own unstable breaths. "Please..."

"Edward..." She called out my name, but I ignored her and continued with my ramblings.

"Stop worrying about me. I'm useless, can't you see? I couldn't do even a single proper thing in my life. I have a lot of flaws I couldn't even fix... I'm a mistake to be born... I'm a disgrace to your family... I have hurt a lot of people... I murdered them one by one... Besides, I should have not lived in the first place, I should have died years ago..."

I sobbed quietly.

"I can't stand the pain and the guilt I have to carry for the rest of my life... it's too much, I just can't do it anymore... So, if you love me, just let me die..."

Did I just reveal everything...?

No... What the fuck is wrong with me...?

It was completely silent, as I saw Lu was lost for words... well, other than my stupid sobs as I struggled catching my breaths. My torso was trembling as it moved up and down... All I hoped was that she change her mind and let me finish all of this, but her late response suggested me otherwise...

"IDIOT!!!"

She snapped, and all of the sudden, she pulled me up. Before I knew it, she extended both of her arms and embraced it around me, hugging me tight, and not a chance releasing me.

"You think by committing suicide, your suffering will be gone and everyone will be free?! Open up your mind, Edward! None of this is gonna anyone happy, and none of this is gonna make problems settled! It won't make your pain stop, and in fact, you will just inflict more pain upon yourself and all of us! Think of Mom and Dad! Think of me and your other siblings! Think of your friends, especially Serena! Think of how will they feel when they see you hanging off that rope!"

I was... speechless.

Not because I couldn't speak, it was because it seemed that I couldn't find my voice. As a result, I gave no response, other than whimpering.

"Everyone is born with a purpose, so saying that you're useless and that you shouldn't be born is wrong in so many ways. You had done a lot of useful things, it's just that you never realized it... your friends and your family loves you just the way you are, and you need to focus on that instead of those who hated you. Fuck those asses who don't want to accept you and want you to be 'different'. Yeah, who gives a fuck about that kind of society? Let them live their lives and you live yours."

Lu's voice had hushed down into a faint whisper. She began brushing my hair, as if she was petting me in the head.

"None of us here is perfect, even if we have all that gorgeous looks, charisma and those kind of shit. We all have our flaws, even in the slightest of things. It's okay to make mistakes, we all do, so stop beating yourself up to ridiculous standards. You just need to learn from them, and you'll gradually improve." She continued. "About your friend's death... NONE of that is your fault, even if it seemed to be. That's why it's called an accident, Ed, and no one is to blame, so stop blaming yourself."

Stopping for a while, she took a deep breath.

"Why do you have to keep problems to yourself? Why don't you want anyone to know that you had been troubled? Why is it that you don't want help? Is it the fact that you have to show yourself that you're 'strong', just because you're a guy?" I didn't know whether this was rhetorical questions or not, but I didn't bother answering.

"Please, don't think that way again. Hiding problems from people you trust... will just make your depression worse. It's like you're preventing yourself from releasing your pain, and that's why it will keep hurting you, unless you let them go."

"Remember, you're not alone on this, Ed... You have people who want to help you with your condition. Mom and Dad care so much about you, that's why they're willing to sacrifice their time on helping you. You need help Ed... you can't solve these problems by yourself... It's the time to see that at times, you have to allow someone to come and assist you."

Helping me...?

Help...

Help me...

My tear glands supposedly dehydrated, but now they worked properly. I could feel it pricking against the edges of my eye, and my instincts drove me to wipe it away quickly, but I couldn't.

In the end... I always had needed help...

I had always been in denial for so much times...

I was driven by my own emotions... again.

I had always rejected everyone's assistance, and I had pushed them away from me. I had snapped at them to leave me alone... so if I cry for help, will they still be there for me...?

Will they really aid me in solving my problems and... eventually set me free of the pain...?

No... they can't be there... can they?

They all had abandoned me... just what I had always wanted...

Most certainly... will they forgive me for what I had done to them?

"I..."  I croaked as I forced myself to speak up. "I... I'm sorry..."

"Nah, you don't need to apologize." Lu dismissed, as she fastened her arms that she had wrapped around me. "I can't blame you for what you had been through. Your situation is completely understandable. If I were you, I would probably do the same as well. You had been through a lot that you just want a break, but there's none. Even if you're at fault, everyone had forgiven you from the start."

They have...?

I lowered my head.

Why do they go so far just to bother about me...?

Why do they forgive me so easily... even if I had caused them a great amount of misery...?

Am I... that special to them...?

"Then..." I muttered. "Please help me..."

I rarely asked help from anyone... and it I did, it sounded like I was begging, which I despised so much. However, against all odds, and at long last, I have the guts to.

"With pleasure." She immediately accepted. "Now... all you need to do is to release all of your emotions you've been bottling up. Cry all you like, Ed, for 30 minutes, for an hour or a two, heck even for the entire day. I don't give a shit if you make a mess my hair and my clothes because at this point, you really needed it."

Crying was what I have been doing for these past few days, but despite so, it didn't solve the problem. Even if it did alleviate most of the torture, it still didn't work at all. However, for no reason... I found myself obeying her without second thoughts, while I felt more tears trickling down my cheeks.

And so I cried.

I cried as loud as I could, screaming on top of my lungs.

I opened my mouth wide so that I could release a series of loud, broken sobs. To my surprise, the tears didn't cease at all. It kept coming and coming out of my eye, dripping down into Lu's shoulders, staining it. There was also liquid from my nostrils, running down through my mouth. My sore throat burned as my voice began running out, but I didn't even care anymore.

I never cried like this before.

Well, probably I did twice... an example was when I was with Rena. Regardless, it was just that... never in my life did I feel so relaxed to cry, let alone in front of someone else.

Unlike what I had anticipated, the pain I had been carrying began to seep away... slowly but surely. During the times when I cried alone, I never felt this much easeness as I had now.

Meanwhile, Lu... she was indeed telling the truth. She simply hugged me, and didn't give a damn while I made a mess out of her apparel. She didn't give any sort of comments, even when I partly expected her to, and remained silent all the whole time. She gently stroke my back as her welcoming aura radiated in a form of a rejuvenating warmth. It gingerly made a contact against my quavering, frigid skin.

A few minutes had passed on the clock, but my cries still haven't quieten down a bit. I continued bawling as I felt the heaviness that had pressured my heart started to fade away. My swollen eye endlessly resumed with its creation of thick, salty tears, even if it was pushed over its maximum productivity. It was also mixed in with the mucus from my nose and saliva from my mouth that I had inevitably discharged.

Amidst the rowdy breakdown, flashbacks played inside my head.

First, was the early weeks of holidays, where I still had fun with my friends, including Rena. She had accompanied me for most of the time, including visiting Lynn's grave, going to the mall and the arcade and much more. When Raphael returned into my life, it was full of anger and... horror. I still remembered my first panic attacks and nightmares, which was the beginning of my torture.

As days passed, I began to grow restless as more bad things ensued, including hallucinations that weren't supposed to exist... especially involving Raphael himself. Not only that, but my pain and more problems also multiplied as well, including exposed secrets and dramas. It was too much to handle, that as a self-defense mechanism, I started growing numb and any lacking sensations.

Then, there was the time where my parents finally have enough and tried to drag me to the therapist. I snapped back at them and ran away from home, planning to live on the streets and starve myself to death. Instead, Asher brought me home and treated me, before Father found me and brought me back. I spent the rest of the days waiting and waiting... until I found the courage to make a move.

There, I found the control of my limbs, so I decided to enclose them around Lu and buried my head on her shoulder.

Rena... what I mostly remembered was her big smile that she cast on me, and how she still kept her composure most of the time. The moments I had been with her... they were all precious to me. They had always kept me... at least content and at ease, most of the times. Even if I had hurt her a lot of times, she had always overlooked past them and continued hanging out with me.

Ah, those memories...

Maybe... just maybe...

They all shaped who I was and what I was going to be.

"Ssh..." I heard Lu shushing, for no reason. Maybe... it had been an hour since I cried and I haven't even stopped at all...? I was about to force myself to stop from shedding too much, but Lu immediately told me something. "No... not you Ed..."

Then, who was the person that she was telling to be silent? Curiosity filled my head, and so despite my sloppy, littered face, I dared myself to glance up. There, in front of us... stood Mother and Father, who were both just between the doorway and my room. It was pretty blurry, though, but I could still tell that it was them.. and they both had their eyes in circles.

How did they get here fast...?

I thought they were busy with their business...

Did Lu somehow text or call them...?

Before we knew it, Mother immediately sprang into the room, while Father followed close behind. She was the first one to swallow both Lu and I onto her big but tight embrace. Father wasn't really abrupt with his hug, but his grip was strong enough to squeeze the shit out of my lungs. They didn't say anything, though I heard Mother... having trouble gathering her breaths.

Lu stiffened for a moment, signalling her protest to their hugs, but... eventually, she gave in. My own body, on the other hand, was literally surrounded by three people, but... for some reason, all of their hugs made me feel extremely comfortable and safe. There was absolutely no signs of something menace nor something sinister... just pure affection.

This was all I had been wanting for...

Being at peace...

Being loved...

Being wanted...

Being free of the chains that had bounded and pulled me down...

I wished everything stayed like this forever.

Gradually, all of these moments repaired the tiny, smashed pieces that was left of me, and I felt myself, including my sanity, being slowly restored. Since I had let every of my emotions out of me, there was nothing I could cry... so it quietened down into sniffs.

After what felt like hours... there was no more weight in my heart, as if it had been lifted off me.

The aching pain was no more, replaced by sincerity, and I just felt like someone managed to drag me out of the abyss I had been submerged in.

I had passed the severe thunderstorm and the angry waters... I almost drowned, but I narrowly escaped, finally sailing to the area were everything was calm and reserved.

I had completely stopped crying... but at the same time, I was weary, since every of my stamina was wasted on the longest breakdown I have ever had.

Feeling my droopy eye closing, I instantly found comfort in the secure arms of my family. My consciousness swayed little by little, and ultimately, it drifted away, gently dragging me into the darkness. However, it wasn't the type of 'darkness' that I wanted to escape from.

It was the type where I could finally achieve complete liberty, both physically and mentally.

***

A/N: This really made me shed a tear :") Remember readers, never lose hope in whatever you're doing, because there is always someone out there to help you. They will guide you out of your problems, and they will help you find the solution.

Do not ever do what Ed tried, because... first, it's a wrong, fatal choice to escape pain, and you'll never turn back. Second, like Lu had said, nobody is going to be happy with you gone, and it will just make everything worse.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter :) Please do not forget to leave vote and a few comments.

Question
Well... what are your thoughts about this chapter?

That's all for today. Hope to see you next week :)

- Tara