{6th april 2014}

dear jen,

it sounds weird, but sometimes i forget liz is dead.

sometimes i see something funny or remember something and think that i'll text her and then i look at my phone and realise her number's still there but she won't get the text.

then i remember and it's not like before, like a giant huge fucking tidal wave, more like ripples, the ones you get cresting at the very edge of the beach, the ones that draw the line between sea and sand and change their mind every other second. and then i think and i wonder: where would the text go? i wonder, jesus, that's all i do. i sit there and suddenly i'm wandering, my mind's just wandering down all these paths, spread like some web, and each path is different. like a game. you know, those pick your path books or whatever.

path i: liz is not dead, but she has applied for college out of state. what do you do?

path ii: liz is not dead, but you got into a fight. she doesn't talk to you anymore but you miss her like hell. what do you do?

path iii: liz is not dead, but she tells you she loves you in a not-friends way even though you always promised you never would do that. you're scared. what do you do?

path iv: liz is not dead, but you have managed to love her in a not-friends way even though you always promised you never would do that. you're scared. what do you do?

path v: liz is not dead, but the two of you have managed to fall out of contact. you miss her like hell. what do you do?

path vi: liz is not dead. she is your best friend. she always will be.

i think i would choose all of them over the one i have, but my life is not a pick-a-path game and liz being hit by a speeding ford focus is not something i can change.

and sometimes i forget and sometimes i text a number of a person who is not on the other end anymore. sometimes i think about how i will tell that person about something tomorrow morning at school and sometimes i walk up to what used to be her locker. and sometimes i am told to partner up with someone in class and i look to make eye contact with eyes that aren't there. and that does not make me happy but it is not something i can change, because my life is not a pick-a-path game. but okay.