By disturbedbrains

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Hi everyone,

I am a fifteen year old girl from Germany (I'm sorry if my english probably isn't that good because of that) and I would consider myself as homosexual and pan/demiromantic or something along those lines, but I'm still figuring everything out.

I figured out that I wasn't straight about three or four years ago. But at that point, I thought I was bisexual, even though I never had any real crushes on any guys, besides my childhood boyfriend.

When I was twelve, my so-called „friends" always tried to get me a boyfriend and talked about how stupid LGBT+ people were. I never had the courage to stand up against them, so I faked some crushes on boys over the years. Because of that it needed a long time form me to come out to my best friend. And – as I had figured – it was horrible.

She told me that she had gone through that „phase", too, and that it would end soon (I was thirteen at this point) and asked if I had a crush on her and that stuff. After I told her that this „phase" was going on for two years at that point, and then she was quiet, so I left after ten minutes of a terrible silence.

Since then I always was afraid of coming out to someone. It could have been a lot worse, I know that, but it wasn't the reaction I had expected and hoped for. So I kept it a secret, kept my crushes on girls a secret and acted like I was completely straight. Now, I'm not really proud of that kind of acting. Lately, I realized I don't really find boys attractive at all. In a romantical way, I could probably fall for them, but I'm just not attracted to boys sexually.

A few months ago I accidentally came out to a group of six close friends. I just told them about a friend who was going to visit me (and I had a crush on) and they understood me wrong.

So, this conversation happened:

Me: „A friend of mine is coming over for next week. She lives in another region and would like to meet you, what do you think?"

Them: „You've got a boyfriend?"

Me: „No!"

Them: „A girlfriend then?"

Me: „Well..."

Them: „You are a lesbian?"

And I honestly didn't want to lie tot hem, so I told them that it's complicated and not really, but sort of and asked if they found it strange. So, they told me it was totally okay and they love me no matter what and hugged me and were all in all really sweet. And it wasn't awkward or anything afterwards. In fact, they're still the same dorks and we joke about me being a lesbian a lot – they just treat me like before, and I'm so comfortable even with the jokes, because we also joke about them being straight. :'D

I still have to come out to my other friends and my family, but I feel better now about myself and what I am. And I'm not so scared of coming out in the future, I guess. I'm quiet lucky.

I hope that y'all find people who support you the way my friends did and can come out and be who you are. And maybe someday we'll live in a better world where coming out isn't a scary thing for anyone.