By Anonymous

~

I am just secondary school age, yet I know I am not 'the same' and that I don't conform to the 'popular' stereotypes set by my school. The age has been a problem in this area, as well as my friends and just the general grey fog cast by this area, because, let's be honest; schools don't teach shit about this topic, especially mine.

18 months ago, I had never even thought of this subject. I just went on with life. Yet, as I did so, I could tell that something wasn't right. I didn't harbour the general teenage crushes some of my friends did. I didn't dream of them at night. I know my friends also say this, but I know some of them did, and still do. If anything, possibly even more, as harmless pranking by the boys turn into something more serious. At the time, I thought this was just because I was behind on development. I didn't like shopping, I didn't care what I looked like, and I was happy to spend the whole day in my pyjamas, even if my friends were coming over.

However, despite all of this, I knew I wasn't comfortable. I found no interest in boys whatsoever, and even had a crush on a girl in my year. Once again, I didn't really know what was going on - I was young! I dismissed it. I wish I hadn't. It would've made everything so much easier if I had accepted that then.

It was Summer 2015, one year ago, when I first came across the LGBT community. I just happened across it, as I was looking up rainbows for a school summer project. I really didn't know anything about all this, as it wasn't elaborated on - all that we were told was about the Pride Parades and Brighton. I always assumed it wasn't me. As I read though, I read others experiences, and realised some were similar to mine. Some were my age, some even younger. This got me thinking. I left it alone after one week.

I didn't rethink this until early 2016 when I got a crush. It didn't feel right, and this same feeling had stuck with me for months now. It didn't feel right. I didn't feel 'the normal' way that others would feel about having one.

A little while later, my best friend came out as pansexual.

I had to search it up, but once I read it, things started to click into place. A little more research and I started facing the fact that I was attracted to girls, not boys. I had reasons to be I was a lesbian.

I didn't like this.

I tried lots of different things to try and feel normal. I became boyfriend/girlfriend with this crush, to then break up. I then tricked someone else and used them to try to feel straight. It didn't work, and I felt horrible about it after. I still do. I then left him after causing chaos.

It wasn't until early June 2016 when I finally settled down. I was gradually learning to accept this, and it was this time I came out to my pansexual friend. She accepted it fully, even if I was very vague. I had always been wary of this, since I know people sometimes don't take well.

I had no reason to be worried.

Within the next six weeks, ten people found out. Five were by accident.

The first was my pansexual friend.

The second, third and fourth were hinted at by my adverse reaction to Orlando in class. I blurted it out. They all accepted it.

The next one was the girl I walk home with. We share a lot in common. She accepted it, as she was also on the spectrum.

The next two were the result of a dare gone wrong. This is when I believe it started to go wrong, as one of them used to tease me and I was worried they would spread it round. I hope they don't, but I don't think they have for now. After all, the boys would have a field day if they found this out.

The eighth person was my mum. Well, here comes the word; phase. I assumed this was because of age and the 'uncertainty' people my age feel. She doesn't understand that I think I've always felt like this.

The final two were the other two in my close group of friends. It turns out one of them is also on the spectrum.

I never understood how many people actually accepted this and were a part of it until I came out. It was comforting to know that other people understood what I was going through.

Recently, I started thinking deeper about this, and realised I still felt uncertain about my identity. I had considered myself a lesbian, but I was slowly starting to think I might be bi. This is purely because of the lack of knowledge and age. Also, this uncertainty is making me wary, and right now, I'm not certain. For now, I'll continue as Lesbian.

Recently, I confessed to the guy I used half a year prior. He accepted it, and I was thankful for that. I didn't realise, back 18 months ago, that this would happen, but I'm happy I finally accepted myself for who I am, as it has ultimately made me a happier person, and I now look at the world in a different light.

So, after all of this fighting with myself. Fighting to appear straight. To be accepted. I learnt some lessons. I learnt that being different is okay. I've learnt to embrace it. To not deny it. Throughout all of this, I've been trying to feel one certain way, and in the end, I now know - I've always been that way.

My name is <*>, I am a young teenager, and I am lesbian/bi.

My name is <*>, I am a young teenager, and I am normal.