By snlwrites

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My name is SNL and this is my story.

Okay yeah, I wrote in the first LGBTQ+ milestone book. My chapter was "Defining Myself." Lots of things have happened tho in the past month.

Here's a refresher:

I guess you could say most of the story started in 2015, but now that I think about it, maybe it started earlier. Let's just say that when I was little, my friend from the neighborhood was really attractive. She still is today. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted her body, her voice, everything. She was younger than me, but yet she looked five years older. Thank God I've gotten over that, we're still best friends today. And there's theres the first year at camp Wow. Yes, it's a catholic camp, with a ton of straight people who can be real mean. I don't really remember the details, but I remember this girl, (I think her name was Alana or some shit) and I guess she didn't want me see her changing, I kept fooling around and I guess she wasn't okay with that. The next year at camp, I got put in the same room as her younger sister! Turns out Alana had told her sister everything, and she told the whole room. My face was red as hell when she said how her sister had felt. My friends who had been in the same room as me last year were just staring at me and I admitted that it was me. I said I was sorry to Alana. The next year, my sister goes to the camp and becomes friends with Alana's sister. WHEN WILL THIS END. They didn't talk this year tho, thank the lord. And then there's the time when my neighbor told me that one of my friends from Camp was talking behind my back. Calling me a Lesbian and how icky I am for doing what I did at camp the first year. I don't know how else he would have heard about it, and it just makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the words she had said.

Anyway, let's move up to 2015, and it's gonna be a year since I've questioned everything quite soon. I always thought I was straight.... that is.... until the first football game. I still remember the date. Friday, August 28th, 2015, the first football game of freshman year. I was there with my new friends, playing in the stands with the rest of the marching band. It was just after the halftime show. We had third quarter off to eat and talk with friends. My friends, J and G (I don't want to use the real names, due to the fact that they might read the story. I'm just scared) went to the concession stands to buy food cause we were starving. We sat down in the grass and started talking about random stuff. It had been less than a month since I had met both of them, so it was really awkward in the beginning.

Around half of the third period, J piped up. She wanted to tell us something. G and I were all ears. She was hesitate and first, but she finally spit it out. She told us that she was demi-sexual, and hoped that this wouldn't change our relationship at all. At the time, I didn't exactly know much about the LGBTQ+ community. Sure, I had watched a few Jazz Jennings video's and heard about gay marriage being legalized in the United States, but that was all. That was the first time someone had actually come out to me, in person. I supported her asap, I had heard the term "coming out" and I knew how hard it must have been for her to say those words. I hugged her and said "Thank you for telling me." (Okay, what I actually said was "Oh, you're one of those people, that's awesome!" And I totally regret saying that so much, I feel like I was so rude to her.) G piped up and asked what demi-sexual meant. J told us that she has to get to know someone before she can start having feelings for a certain person. Thanks to J, I had no idea how much her coming out would change my life in the next few months.

Near the end of September, the beginning of October, J and I started walking around the school together every morning. It was great because we could actually talk, we didn't have any classes together. Near the end of October, J told me she was going away for the weekend, to go visit her friends in her old town. She said she wouldn't be able to text me much. I told her it was totally okay. We texted as she was in her car later that day, down to her old town. When she finally stopped texting me back, some feeling that hasn't ever occurred with a girl (well, besides my Mom, sisters and other female family members) started occurring.

I felt, homesick. But like, I was at home. I was longing for her to come back, I missed her so much. Three days down there felt like an eternity for me. I was so happy when she did finally text me, even if it was only for a few seconds. It weird so weird not to be texting. I didn't question anything yet, I just figured it was because she's my best friend, nothing else.

December is when J was on her way down to Florida for Christmas. We texted as her parents drove for 17 straight hours. She couldn't text much, but she did when she could. One night down there, we stayed up till two am texting, she was upset. She told me things that she hadn't ever told anyone else. She trusted me, and I trusted her. When we finally did say goodnight, I was sad that she had to go, but also happy that she had told me things, let me know a little bit more about her life. The next days I longed for her to come home. My prayers were answered two days later, as they began the long trek home.

Things went by smoothly in January, but February was when everything changed. My world completely went upside down. I found out that I really liked J. Like a lot. I thought I was going insane, I hadn't thought about any other girls like this. Boys, hell yes. But girls were a no. I was so scared, I had no idea what the hell to do. One night, (I still remember the exact date, February 6th) after a group conversation on facebook was dying, I texted her privately. It took me twenty fucking minutes to click the send button. All I wrote was "J, I'm starting to question if I'm straight." I remember shutting my computer off, and slamming it closed. I was so terrified for her response. A few minutes later, I went back on, logged back in, and sure enough she had responded. She wanted me to explain. I told her that I would tell her tomorrow, and she told me whenever I'm ready.

I told her the next day. I told her I liked a girl a lot but there was nothing sexual. She asked me who this certain girl was. All I wanted to do was type the words "IT'S YOU, I WANT YOU." But alas, I didn't give her the name, I was too scared that our friendship would be ruined. I mean, how could she like me? J suggested that I might be bi-romantic, and I thanked her tons. I looked the term up online and found that it completely fit me. I thought that my journey was over, that I had finally found a label for myself.

Boy was I wrong.

Within a week, my crush on J had slowly faded away and I went back to the straight side of things. I started liking only boys again, that is, until April when my feelings for J resurfaced. It was near the end of April when I started falling for another one of my best friends, Em. It was during the school musical. Em and my other friend Sky were sitting next to me in the audience. Em kept laughing into me, kept laying on my shoulder, and kept stealing my skittles. I liked her laughing against me, it felt..... really cute and romantic. But for most of the play, my eyes kept finding their way to a certain musician in the pit. You know who.....

After the show, J went out with the cast and pit to celebrate. I honestly wasn't prepared for what would happen in the next week. At the party, J had gotten closer to a girl named D, who was also in the pit. Later the next week, they started hanging out more, and then J texted me, saying that D came out as bi-sexual and that she liked her a lot. She wanted to ask her out badly and J was terrified. Of course, I was hurt. It stings when you find out that the person you've liked for more than three months likes someone else. But being the supportive best friend that I am to J, I pushed through the pain and told her to go for it. You only live once right?

So the next day during J's lunch period, J asked out D via text message. She was so nervous, and so was I .She kept sending me updates about how the conversation was going, and I kept freaking out. I really wanted D to tell her no, but I also wanted D to tell her yes because I would be heartbroken if she got rejected. After all, I told her it was gonna be okay and I was the one to tell her to do it. D rejected her and we all lived happily ever after after. The End. (Yeah no, that didn't happen) J and D were a thing by the end of the day. I was so happy for J, but honestly heartbroken that it wasn't me with her. I was crying while doing my health homework. I was a fool. Why did I eer think that J could ever like me as more than a friend?