By Freddie

~

They call me Freddie and I'm many things. I'm a science graduate; an astronomy nerd; a soon-to-be published, twice-featured author of classic and historical horror; a portrait artist; a digital painter; an illustrator of children's books; a composer of piano and string music; a dabbler in photography and casual globetrotter.

I do my bit around Wattpad, whether behind the scenes or openly holding contests, helping newer authors reach a wider audience because I want to make a difference to their experience here, or making connections through various anthology features... I also review, edit, translate and proofread when people need it, and still somehow have time to spend with some of the best friends in the world. Great, right? I mean, by that list you'd think, wow, Freddie, sounds like you're going places, man! (Okay, humour me.) But I forgot one thing, and that's really why I'm here. I'm part of the T of the LGBTQ+ community, and unlike all that cool stuff I listed above, this isn't something I openly disclose. Because this part of my life actually holds me back despite everything I have achieved and worked towards in the past year.

I recently went to London WattCon on the 3rd of December 2016. It was a crazy big deal for me. Like, losing sleep and my appetite for two days kind of crazy big. And the reason I opened this page with who I am and my list of achievements isn't to brag. Anyone who knows me knows this isn't my way, but it's important to you, dear LGBTQ+ reader, and it's important to me, and I will tell you why.

It's quite common for trans people to feel as if they have to hide, or blend into the crowd. It's a bad sort of trap to fall into and I still do it a lot, because often you or the people around you haven't been true to who you are for a big portion of your life. It's suffocating and stifling to go through. It's upsetting to watch. It's damaging to your growth as a person and you're constantly feeling left on the outside looking in. The pressure to be a certain somebody so that you don't disappoint or "weird out" other people pretty much governs everything you do or say in the real world, and along the way your perception of yourself becomes lost.

For me it got to the point a few years ago that I didn't even feel like a proper person anymore. Just some kind of individual who existed on the periphery of other people's lives, watching in and just wishing I could have what they have. I just wanted to be me but didn't have the gall to do it, because I'd convinced myself these imaginary "other people" didn't want me to be me. If you have fallen into this trap and feel invisible, take a step back with me and give credit to the "other" people for who they are too.

So the day of London WattCon arrives. I was so nervous I hadn't eaten properly in two days, and the morning of the con I lay in bed and convinced myself I couldn't go to a writers' and readers' convention because people would be looking at me, or would treat me differently, think I'm "weird", or be trying to work me out. I told myself I couldn't sit and chat amongst the Wattpad staff and stars I admired, or even the friends and faces that I knew from groups, all because I was worried I'd disappoint them by being that "quiet trans kid with the funny accent" and not as Freddie the guy who writes and does stuff on Wattpad.

But let me tell you something important I learnt: all that was in my head. It isn't real. It was doubt and it was cruel to me, but I'd gone 150 miles to London to be a part of WattCon, meet some of my favourite people, meet NEW favourite people, and enjoy the atmosphere of being around a massive and diverse group of proud book nerds.

There I met my lovely friend and LGBTQ+ advocate Shimaira and we chatted about all kinds of stuff, ate dinner (very slowly) together and she even gave me a cinnamon bun to take home with me! I met her husband Jeff (Not Dave) Sordes who kept me company at the con and made me laugh with his jokes and impressions (and also ordered a sandwich from a shop with his name badge stuck to his head without realising). I met Wattpad Star ShaunAllan who gave me hugs, pin badges and a signed copy of his book Sin (you should've seen the grin on my face after that!) and met JayVictor (published author) who said she liked my woolly hat with the reindeer on. I also got great hugs from the lovely GregCarrico (also a Wattpad Star) who was still upbeat and smiling after two days without much sleep. What a champ! There I also met [quote] "the nicest grumpy person ever", TheOrangutan Gavin Wilson, Simian Overlord of the Ambassadors himself, who also gives awesome hugs (I did a lot of hugging of Wattpad people!) and who bought me a surprise shot of whiskey. That definitely loosened me up a little. xD I also met GavinHetherington the author of the Abyssal Sanctuary series and outreach volunteer for the LGBTQ+ community who knows well how much I've struggled just allowing myself to be myself.

And you know what? The right people don't give a crap if you're a boy, a girl, non-binary, gender queer, transitioning or cross-dressing. Sure they might notice, they might even wonder, but to the right people it doesn't negatively affect their opinion of you at all. Perhaps they might even think you're pretty cool or even learn something from your example. You know what is more important to them than your gender? Probably what they're going to have for dinner later, or reminders to make that phone call when they get home, or isn't that book-nerd thing you're talking about just absolutely awesome? Let's talk about it more! If anything, to the right people, you being yourself positively affects them too, and these are the experiences and people in your life that you should hang onto.

So when I went to London WattCon, who was I? Oh, I was Freddie, a twice-featured author on Wattpad who writes historical horror; a science graduate and astronomy nerd; an illustrator, pianist and composer; self-proclaimed dabbler in photography and casual globetrotter. A guy who loves Wattpad and everyone who works hard behind the scenes to provide great user experience; a guy who wants to do his bit to give back to a place that gave him and his writing a home; a guy who turned up to London WattCon and handed people raffle tickets with a big dork-tastic grin.

Was I worried people wouldn't see all this? Sure. I lost sleep over "coming out" at WattCon. Should I have been worried? No. The right people will know you for who you are, what you have done with what you've got, and not for surface things like the way you dress or how you speak. So if you ever feel invisible, anxious or afraid, take that step back and remind yourself of all the stuff that makes you unique and awesome, because no doubt that's REALLY what the right kind of "other people" think about you.

I could never have done something like London WattCon without knowing I had friends to chat to, stars to shamelessly fanboy over, and a whole array of Wattpad HQ's very own super-people to meet in person. And people ACTUALLY wanting me meet me too was an incredible feeling! Getting the courage to go has taken a couple of months of patient encouragement from my wonderful friend Emily Godhand to whom I'm always grateful, and of course from Shimaira always with wise words of advice, and  with his kind support back when I needed help keeping my chin up.

So bring on next year's WattCon already! I had such a great time being part of something like it, and most of all being me, -- not hiding, not invisible, not underrated -- realising that I was in great company and I had nothing to be nervous about after all!