By Lovino

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So... This will be my story. I must admit it is and will be quite a mess, but it is worth sharing. It's partly to simply clear my mind, but it might as well help others.

Let's start were it all began. My sexuality. I, just as all the other girls my age, had "crushes" on the cutest boy from class, yet now I know; As a child, in my opinion, you often don't quite understand the meaning of love or a real crush. Those weren't real, I can tell by now.

I always considered myself straight, until I started going to high school. I was about 12 back then. School was over and I was walking towards the parking lot where my mom waited for me in the car while I suddenly wondered if I might love my best friend. If I might be lesbian. I really thought I loved her more than just a friend. When she stayed over, we slept in the same bed, but nothing more really happened. I brushed off the thought. I wondered about it a few times, but never really did something with it. Now I know, she in fact was, my first real crush. The wondering wasn't all that sudden, because the day the thought popped up into my mind, was the day we had information about the LGBTQ+ community at school.

After this my life became quite a mess. I started chatting online and got into an online relationship with a bisexual boy. He got me into anime. The relationship we had was toxic if I look back. He asked for way too much attention and tried to do suicide after we broke up. We actually broke up and got back together a few times within half a year until I finally put an end to it, but the start of change was already made and there was no turning back.

Anime got me so bad, I started wearing Lolita and got roleplay accounts on google+. Through my roleplay accounts I had a lot of contact with other people who liked the same stuff as me. I got really close to a girl and considered us best friends. She was in fact bisexual. We both loved each other, we both knew, but we never really got into an official relationship. And it was for the best I believe. In real life I had some crushes on some boys, yet I was head over heels for an emo girl at my school. I never dared to talk to her, yet I thought she was perfect back then. Since I didn't even dare to talk to her, the crush wasn't that strong.

And here it all becomes an even bigger mess, I somehow got into Yaoi (boyxboy love in anime). You could almost say I got addicted to it. Yet I was and still aren't a really big fan of the real sex happening if I'm being honest. But... I got into Yaoi and that is important, because it made me wonder about something. My gender.

I started to believe I was a boy. I looked back in the past and thought it could be true. I was pretty much a girly girl, but I did love to talk with the boys in Primary school. I wanted to do soccer and become a keeper. I did have girly toys, but also the Ancient Egypt and Dinosaur Playmobil. It didn't seem all that weird to me. Besides I got to the point were I don't really believe in stereotypes. Not for genders, not for anything, so that helped a lot with convincing myself I was in fact male. I also hated the thought of sex, it grossed me out, while gay sex seemed at least a little bit appealing to me. Until this day, I never gave that reason for my gender dysphoria to anyone.

In silence I decided I might be transgender. I asked people about it online and my real close friends on there, told me they would love me equally. I switched pronouns, but after some time that didn't satisfy me anymore. I got extremely depressed back then, so I decided to tell my mom. I wouldn't say it was the biggest mistake ever, but it also wasn't the best idea in the world.

She told me that she didn't think I was a male. I was way to girly for that, in her opinion. Yet if I really thought I was a boy, I could transition. It didn't feel right to me. It was as if I was forced to choose between being a girl or boy, yet I was just confused. Back in my mind, I knew I was confused and not sure if I really was transgender. I just wanted help and support.

Eventually I talked with my mom once again. She did a lot of research on the topic and eventually we both came to the conclusion I could be, or better was, genderfluid. I made myself a binder and just went with it. Yet that was a really, really, really stupid decision. After that we decided on the fact I was genderfluid she did nothing with it. I didn't get different pronouns and I stayed the girl I was before. My grandma asked why my breasts were gone when I was wearing my binder at their place once and my mom answered for me saying it was crossdressing for cosplay.

Then I realized the journey would be way harder then I expected. It seemed like I got accepted and supported, but in fact that wasn't completely true. My grandma really thinks in two genders with typical stereotypes and my mom didn't do anything with our decision, but I decided to leave it. Thinking about it only made me more depressed. Instead I started digging into information about sexuality. And decided on the fact that I was pansexual.

I went up to my mom and straight up told her. She just asked me if I made it up that very moment and when I answered no she responded that if I got a girlfriend I at least couldn't get pregnant by accident. She was really accepting and to be honest, everyone was. My family, my friends, everyone. I had a boyfriend for day, that was just me being stupid, really, and a not really "boyfriend". He took my first kiss. We didn't have anything, but things happened.

After that I got into a relationship with a girl online. My family knew and nobody acted all that strange about it. I also freed the way for my younger sister, who is bisexual. At least, that is what she goes by right now. My grandma, who I talked about before, only acted negative when I was talking about the LGBTQ+ community with my little cousins around. Yet to me, it is something normal I think you should be able to talk about, so I just ignored that.

It went over and I got another girlfriend after that and that went over too. Simply because I was still depressed and couldn't hold up a relationship at that moment. I didn't even understand who I was. I searched up a lot online and decided I wasn't pansexual, but demisexual panromantic. I still go with this, yet I am currently wondering if I am not just asexual panromantic.

Not too much after that gender dysphoria struck me hard. More and more and I started going crazy. I needed help. Back in the day I had help at school, but I never told my therapist about my gender dysphoria and now I really wish I did. I'm currently 16 and that is exactly where I am now with the story.

Right before summer vacation I told my in real life friends about my gender dysphoria. They were all very accepting and didn't take it as weird at all. I had been giving slight hints for weeks And finally this summer I told my mom again. And it was terrible, but I am glad I did. It was and is still hard for me to explain how I exactly feel, but we talked. I cried, she screamed, I yelled, but we discussed it. And that is important. During the whole vacation we had these little conservations about it. I have time to think now, I can go talk to the therapist at school about it or go to the doctor to get help, but I know I have time. I know I am supported.

I asked my mom for they/them/he/him pronouns, but she doesn't use them. (Besides the fact that They/Them doesn't really work that well in Dutch.) I first got mad about it, but if she doesn't use them, it doesn't make the rest of the family suspicious yet. So I'm fine with it. She also said that if I would come out towards the rest of the family I shouldn't get mad at them for getting my name and pronouns wrong, but that will be hard with my passionated Italian temperament (Something she also said and I highly agree with).

Most people online use my preferred pronouns and I also go by my real name and Lovino currently. If I'll really change me name isn't sure, but my real name is too feminine to my taste though.

In the end I went from cisgenser to transgender to genderfluid to agender to demiboy to agender. But what really matters is something that made my mom realize me. While we were discussing it was hard for me to describe how I felt, because I don't feel like a girl, but I also don't necessarily feel like a boy. She roughly translated said: "You aren't girl and you aren't boy. You are just you."

And that is in fact what matters. I currently go by demisexual panromantic and agender. But I don't need labels. I'm just myself. I just use those to make me more understandable for others, yet I could totally live without them.

From all the research I've done, I could call myself a LGBTQ+ specialist. And I am really the person people in real life, but also friends online go to with questions about the community. I have an Instagram account on which people from school also follow me and it states my preferred pronouns. I do have a binder and male clothing and I'm considering talking to the therapist at school again and officially coming out as agender. (But I don't wish to make my exam year a living hell)

I hated myself for not being heterosexual cisgender, but I can't change who I am. I'm born this way and not only others, but also I need to learn to accept me this way. This is simply me and nothing can change that. The journey might seem a little hard or too easy sometimes, but in the end it is all worth it. I might transition, I might change my name, I might do nothing, but I do know that I want to learn to accept myself and really want to openly be myself. Because in the end, that's what matters.