By tarajejt

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So I'm officially into my first year of highschool and let me tell you. This has been one roller coaster. To feel you in, let me start from the beginning of all of this.

I was in 3rd grade and I was very curious. I was called gay all my life and in elementary school, I tried so hard to distance myself from that. If you saw me back then I would be someone you wouldn't even recognize.

I live in a very religious family and they are against it. They are against same sex marriage and homosexuality. And I was back then too in elementary school.

I was a Christian back then and you can consider me one still today only hunny boo I got some ways. I'll get to that later.

I had my own relationship with god. Ever since I was in kindergarten god has shown me where to go. I remember making fun of this person for acting gay and I believe that god told me, I can be just like them and that I should stop.

Man y'all let me tell you something, for everyone that says it's unnatural, it wasn't unnatural for me. The feelings came. And they weren't going anywhere. Just like this example, when the first hit, them bills are gonna be do and your butt better be ready.

Or growing up. When it's time to grow up, you best be ready. And praying the gay away does not work. Baby I can pray all day the bills don't come and I am 15 forever but hunny I learned very early in life, it ain't gonna be like that.

Now back to the task at hand here. I thought I would never ever like a boy in my life. Until this one boy who I'm not going to name in elementary school had been friends with me.

My best friend who is straight, he suspected I liked boys and that I liked this boy. He was tall handsome, his temper was hot and one time he pushed me down but his temper was so cute.

Gosh I would let that boy take his anger out in the bed but let's get back on the train tracks. 😑😑😑😑

We became friends and he always would look at me. We liked the same girl at first until they started dating. Yes baby in elementary school. We was some lil rugrats y'all.😂😂😂

But he noticed I didn't really talk to girls as much as I used to. I think we started to like each other and soon me and him were hangin out all of the time.

Eventually I had to go transition form elementary to middle. And I see him around but not often. I thank him though. Because he made me realize there was something there inside of me.

And back then I was still trying so hard not be gay and oppose it. Because hun I called it a sin, I called it demons, baby I was homophobic. To the bic!!!!

I remember one time I made this horrible video on YouTube saying what were not really my beliefs, but another persons beliefs forced on me.

In middle school though things started to change. 6 grade I was just settling in and I happen to tell this girl this. Now I'm am African American. And in the black community we have a lot of homophobic b*txhes and dare I say the other word. I think this comes from the teachings in the black Christian community that have made us so insensitive to some things.

This is why I always say in the lgbtq 🏳️‍🌈 community we have more unity than any other community out here. It's because we understand each other and depend on one another. If your in help we lift each other up.

But sadly although I love the black community, we have work to do. I'm trying to better our community so that people out there won't have anymore stereotypes about us. Just like the lgbtq community. Nobody will have stereotypes about us if we fix our problems.

But I'll save that for another time. I told one of my girlfriends in the 6 grade because I acted like I was straight, that I hated gays. That girl broke up with me so fast. That taught me something. It's no longer socially exceptable to say things like that anymore.

But till this day that same girl has helped me come out into the open more and more. She's helping me right now though 😂😂😂.

So by the end of my six grade year I was no longer homophobic. And my dating of girls really slowed down dramatically.

By time I was in 7th, I had stopped dating girls. But I knew something was wrong. And I was kind of hurting because I knew what gay was and I thought I might be gay.

By time I was in my second semester I identified as bi sexual. I was now dating boys and girls but I dated boys more. Hell I was so un educated in the meaning of love I agreed to marrying a f*cking 17 year old😂😂😂😂😂😂.

My best friend from elementary school came back into my life and he was really accepting. He told me "you are what you are. Don't let anyone tell you different." He's still here helping me right now.

But by the end of 7th I started to get bullied a lot. Well really the beginning of second semester. And it was a problem that turned into a big huge problem.

By 8th grade I identified fully as gay. And that's when the bullying went full speed. I didn't know how to handle it. So I turned to alcohol.

Oh my gawd I was depressed. Things were happening in and out of school and my mom still doesn't know about my drinking problem. If she knew she would call me weak which I'm not. I was just influenced into un healthy lifestyle habits and I knew no better.

It got so bad, one day someone had to pull me out of the bathroom tub. It makes me think about people in my life that have died from drugs and I could have been one of them.

But god did that. See I'm spiritual now. I have my own relationship with god.

By the end of 8th grade I sought help on my own. Pulled myself up and got ready for ninth grade. It's currently really going well for me besides the few sudden outburst of drama.

I currently have a boyfriend. But he way Ive dated so many boyfriends it's ridiculous. Save that for another time.

I'm working towards my future and I'm letting nothing distract me. The people in my life have really Helped me to become who I am and helped me really be more of an open minded person.

And I hope one day whether god sees fit to put me with a girl or boy although I hope that's not likely because I'm the bottom, I hope to tell it to my kids or adopted kids about how I came out. I'm still coming out now. Honestly I don't know how my parents are going to find out. Or my whole family and church community.

But one step at a time. That's what I'm taking. I'm still recovering from my depression and alcohol binge but it's almost completely gone. And I hope that part of my life and being homophobic and stupid and close minded, is over.