By ~K

~

It was always there.

The feeling. You know the one I'm talking about, you don't quite agree with what you're told your future is supposed to be. I always ignored it. 'I'm nothing special', 'I'm looking for attention' or 'It'll pass when I mature' ran through my head repeatedly, inefficiently drowning the feeling.

I was born in a Latin American country, in a religious family. Not only that, but I attended an all girls nun school- not helpful if you're trying to figure out what you want. I constantly got into arguments with my grandma about gay rights, but I knew she meant well- it was just her beliefs. All my desires and dreams felt like sins, I was scared God would punish me for wanting what I couldn't have. I started looking up ways to figure it out, but I always felt guilty for fantasizing a future with a girl.

After moving to the US, I finally admitted it to myself: I like girls and boys. I can perfectly picture a relationship with either and have had crushes in both genders. I know my friends would accept and support me but I fear my family would accuse me of 'getting American ideas in my head'. I'm okay with that. I think (and hope) God is okay with that. After much contemplation, I have decided not to come out until I have a partner and my family will love both of us.

Maybe being bisexual doesn't mean being less accepted by loved ones; maybe it means accepting love in more people.

It's refreshing not to feel guilt at my desires and hopes, they're private and nobody can take that part of me away. That feeling has taken a shape that I recognize in the mirror and smile because I know:

It will always be there