Anonymous

Reader caution is advised if you are sensitive to mention of self-harm or suicidal themes.

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Where I stand now, as who I am, didn't come easy, or even the way I would've expected such a turning point in my life. It hit hard, really hard, and it took a while to accept it. Eventually, I accepted it, and it felt so good to realize the truth. I never thought it would be this way, but without any more delay, let's view my story.

I'll start by explaining my backstory so you can see where I'm coming from. As of now (March 2018), I am 15 years old and on the final stretch of my 9th grade freshman year. I live in the USA in the eastern time zone, in a somewhat moderate city. I have a mom and dad who are a bit over 40, one brother who is 13, a 7 year old dog, and some fish. My family tree is huge, but we don't need to go there just yet. I have quite a few friends who get on my nerves sometimes, but no one really closer than her. More on that later. Pretty average life we have here, huh?

Not in one way do I see myself as average, even with the description above. Here comes the quirky parts. I am a huge fantasy lover, especially of magic and mythical creatures, like dragons (my favorite creature to ever exist). I am made fun of for this a lot, occasionally called the "Dragon Mother" or "Dragon Mama" by my friends, who think I own them...awkward. Anyways, I also daydream a lot, play video games, write stories on Wattpad (hehe), and explore what I can of the world. I've been bullied for these hobbies and my personality a lot, and for some time, I was depressed and suicidal at a few points. This was during my middle school (7-8 grade) years. I advise you skip the next few parts if you are sensitive in this area. I tried to cut myself twice, and at one point had a knife at my throat, but I was stopped...by her. Again, she will be discussed later. Now, the part you've all been waiting for. My biggest quirk that you're probably dying to know after all of this introduction I've given you.

I am bisexual.

I guess now is the time to reveal who she is. For the record, I am a female, so you get the idea. For her safety, I will refer to her name as Avery, the name she wants to give to her child. I met Avery in the weirdest, possibly most awkward way. It was in a Minecraft server. I'll give you a few moments to laugh, it's okay to do so. I still laugh when I think of this moment sometimes.Ready for me to explain more on meeting Avery? Well, ready or not, here I go.

So on this Minecraft server, we met each other through a role play. As I always did, I saw every player as a friend to me, despite the dangers internet players could pose. The only thing they would ever know about me was my username, my disguised skin, and some aspects of my personality. I role played with Avery a few times, not realizing we were growing closer. Then, one day, she approached me. She said something like, "I don't know, I just want to get to know you better." Something along those lines, since I have bad memory, and this happened 3 or 4 years ago. I knew of dangers of online predators, after an experience with a boy who I trusted then forced to move on from, but with her, I felt like I should leave it to fate to decide. With that, we started to talk more and learn about each other, step by step.Soon enough, we discovered we had similar interests, similar personalities, and alike backstories. Again, for her safety, I won't reveal anything about her that I learned. We just had so much more in common than I ever predicted. As a reminder, at this time, I did not know I was bisexual, nor did I have any interest in her. We lived far apart, but in the eastern time zone of the USA. The event that brought us closer together was pretty...odd, I should say.

Going back to my family, who didn't like me for who I was, were the ones to spark most of this. Not to be rude to them, but I was treated like trash. They left me to learn to make my own meals, find a way to get money, and learn everything that I should've known earlier but didn't. My mom's fear, however, was losing me or my brother to kidnapping. She tracked my phone and its activities, and still does to this day. My dad worked all the time, so he usually left the parenting care to my mom. If she got an alert of me texting a new person, she would question me about it. She started getting suspicious with the boy from earlier (just a friend), and forced me to cut ties with him. However, when she discovered Avery, she just said to watch it, like she knew something I didn't. She monitored what I said, on my computer, phone, or whatever device I got ahold of that she could inspect. Anyways, she let it off easy with Avery at first, but that wasn't going to always be the case.

The event was where I reached a breaking point. (Skip next few lines if you're sensitive about suicide, please). I had already told her about my cutting myself, but I had not had the knife at my throat yet. This breaking point was me deciding I had to run away to her. She trusted me so much, she gave me her address, and we searched for the easiest way to do it. The plan was that when we went out of town, 4 hours from my home, I would run from there with an already-packed suitcase. The night I was going to, my mom had saw the messages and search history, and immediately yelled at me. My dad had found out minutes later, and actually hit me while my mom scorned me further. It left me broken, and I told Avery that the plan failed. My mom had completely ignored the fact that Avery had given away her address and overall plan, which saved me for now. But it didn't end there.

Readers, skip this entire paragraph if you are sensitive or disturbed by suicidal actions or anything of the like, but I advise if you want to understand me that you try to bear through it, though I totally understand if you can't. Now, this event came not long after my attempt to run away. As a side note, Avery had already revealed she was bisexual, and asked for my help in getting her female friend to like her, as well as a boy I knew at one point too. Going on, I soon realized my breaking point could go further than running away. I was frustrated that day, especially with my family, and even Avery for some reason. I faintly remember arguing over text about something, and I simply said to her, "I'm so done." Then I got a huge knife without anyone seeing. held it at my side, and said to her, "I can't do this anymore." To my relief today, she saw it as a sign of suicide coming back at me. Instantly she got the boy she once liked and another one that she met and got them in a group chat on Instagram with me. She told them and they all pleaded for me to stop. I was in tears as they pleaded over text. They actually cared about me, though I didn't know them as well. The knife was about to strike me, out of my control, but Avery wasn't done fighting. I still don't know why I couldn't control myself, it was like the suicidal demon in me was in control of my body. She said something like this (I will disguise my name here as Sylvia Johnson for my sake). "Sylvia Johnson, think about everything we've been through. The fight, the struggle, the pain and torment." The two boys in the chat had stopped here, and left Avery to plead herself. "Remember what I told you, fight destiny's strings. You have so much to live for. More than you'll ever know." In this case, I replied over and over with "I can't," and "It's for the world's own good." I had felt useless. Avery wasn't done here, though. "If you do this," she texted. "I will kill myself too."

No words had struck me harder than her's right there and then. She even added, "Don't do this, for our sake." At that moment, I stopped myself, sneaking the knife away to its place and letting them know I was alright. I left the chat and rested myself for a few days. It was the last time I would try to inflict self harm on myself.Hopefully you're not too shaken up after reading that part, if you chose to. Again, I respect if you decided not to, or couldn't bear to read it, it's completely okay. The next parts won't include any more of that stuff. That event was the last of its kind. Moving on, a year later in sometime of 2017, Avery confessed something to me. She admitted she was bisexual again, and said she liked me. This was in the Minecraft server again, and with one of the boys online, I sent him a private message about what Avery said. I told him I was straight and didn't know what to do since I had never been in a relationship before or felt like I liked girls. I pleaded he don't tell her, and he agreed, and I told her I needed time to think. However, behind my back, the boy told Avery how I felt. But at the time, I was invisible in the server, watching her as I thought about what she said. As I read this, my heart broke as she accepted the fact. I worked up the guts and revealed myself, and asked, "How could you," to the boy. They both panicked and were heartbroken seeing me there as they went behind my back. Eventually, after multiple attempts to ignore them, Avery worked her magic and made me feel better about being straight at the time, though I think it was my mind trying to ignore the truth. Even though things seem weird now, they got worse. Somehow they always manage to get worse, right?

My mom had read everything that had happened throughout the years, and I was still in 8th grade when she made her move. Like with the boy I texted before, she took action and forced me to cut ties with Avery. However, this was different for me. I wouldn't give in like I had before. I told her what my mom said, and we were both devastated. I promised her I would do what I could to remind her I was still there, and promised I would stay strong. At this time, Avery managed to still hold a love for me, and I was slowly growing to like her more and more, but not enough to identify as bisexual. After keeping it low with Avery for a while, I made the move and ignored my mom, texting Avery as I pleased, which concerned both of us on what would happen. My mom just stayed silent and ignored me as she had done before, giving up after multiple attempts to pull me away, when all she had to do was take my electronic devices and end it there. So after some time, we felt it was okay and continued to text, call, and FaceTime one another. Trust me, the chaos that is my story did not end there.

A little further into 2017 or so, maybe March or April and just after almost losing Avery, I was starting to actually love Avery. It wasn't a friendship anymore to me, like it wasn't to her for almost a year of managing to still love me. I finally forced myself to accept that I loved a girl, and it was like jumping into a new world. I told no one of how I felt. I came to tell her that I loved her, and that I only could love her, and that I hadn't been able to accept it for a year. This was when I almost lost her that I came to admit this, and felt the full thing a month or two after it all happened. We were basically internet lovers, separated by a 14 hour distance apart and my parents. Her parents accepted her as who she was, and by the time we were a month past me admitting my love, she identified herself as gay, seeing her past attempts to love others as nothing compared to our love now.Not too long ago from this being written (March 2018), in about September, we went further in our love. With me being in high school now, something pushed both of us to make it official. Though we loved each other for months now, we never actually decided we were a couple. In September, we came to decide that it was official now, and we have each other codenames so we could say something without others discovering us. I was Her Dragon, and she was My Werewolf. Of course, I didn't want anyone to know I liked and dated someone, especially a girl, so I made the post simple, and it worked. Avery, already having her school know she was gay, came flat out and said she loves Her Dragon on her post, which was My Dragon from her point of view. This was truly another step forward in our relationship, and it was like no other thing I ever felt before.

So, to this day, we have been with each other for 6 months, without actually meeting face to face or anything like that. The closest we've ever gotten to each other was video chatting. We trust each other with our lives, and can't wait for the day we meet. It's going to be hard to hold out, we both know that, but I'm determined to hold on as long as I desire. No one else knows I'm dating a girl or what my sexuality is, so it's been hard to keep that hidden as well.

Woah, hold on, I completely forgot something! So if I'm a girl, and have only dated one girl, wouldn't that make me gay/lesbian? Well, as the person I am, I want to feel free to love who I want, and I still only love Avery. The day I confirm I am lesbian will be the day I marry a girl, if somehow I lose Avery. Plus, I can still see myself like a boy, but it hasn't happened yet. As of now, I am gay, but I prefer to identify as bisexual.

To this day, only Avery knows I'm bisexual. I haven't told my parents or any friends, which hurts, but I want to be accepted. The harsh truth is, not everyone can accept LGBTQ+. It's their choice to accept or not, just like it's our choice to identify as we want and love who we love. I watched Love, Simon with a few friends, and I almost came out to them, but I held back since I felt safer that way. I don't know who accepts LGBTQ+, so I keep myself anonymous here too. I hope you can understand, and it's alright if you don't.Now that you know my story, I want to leave a message for everyone in the world that reads this, even non-LGBTQ+ people, or those who don't accept it, please read this. I understand how you feel, whether LGBTQ+ or not. You want to be transgender? Fine by me. Don't like gay marriages? That's okay. Prefer to not be male or female? It's all alright! I accept everyone for who they are, even if they dislike who I am. When and if I chose to come out to people, I will be alright with if they accept me or not. It's your beliefs, your personality, and your choice to be what you want to be, and love who you want to love. IT IS OKAY TO BE YOURSELF! Remember that as long as you live, and know that even if the rest of the world doesn't accept you, I still will. Even if you decide to stay hidden about your feelings, I accept that. We've all had hard times, whether it's through abuse, disease, or even a bad hair day, it's still a downside for you, and it will happen. That's how life works, it's always going to be that way. But don't be afraid to hide yourself from who you are. Never back down, never break or bend to the world's will.

No matter what anyone else says, or how you feel, I still accept you as who or what you are. Even if I don't know you, I accept you.

As I have done, and as Avery has done too, Fight Destiny's Strings. It will make you so much happier, and one day it will pay off. I love all of you, and I hope you get what you desire, and be who YOU want to be!Thanks for reading my story, and remember what I have said. If you want to, leave a comment and I will reply. If you want a PM, let me know and I will reveal myself. I am open to all comments or questions, so feel free to leave one and I will respond as soon as possible. If I get enough requests, maybe I will publish this for others not involved here to read. For now, keep fighting destiny's strings, believe what you want to believe, and love what you want to love!

- Anonymous