My slippers made soft padding sounds as I stepped into the bathroom. I let out a contented sigh, soaking in the warm, moist air. Due to Centorea's just-completed bath (protip for living with a harem: ALWAYS check if someone is in the bathroom BEFORE you walk in), I felt as if I had just walked into a sauna.

It would have been nice if there hadn't been so much horse hair spread around, but what could you do?

Even though Kuruso was knocked out earlier by Miia ("I didn't mean to throw him that hard!"), it was a decent first day as the resident assistant host/house husband. I couldn't believe how quickly he recovered and laughed it off after I arrived. I mean, he must have a steel skull. The rest of the day was mild, mostly spent getting familiar with the house.

Although a stranger had moved in, the girls were less active than I expected.

What the hell? I'll enjoy the quiet days when I can.

"I'm going to have to buy my clothes at some point," I grumbled, tugging at the sleeves of my pink bathrobe. Not because I disliked it, but pink was never my first choice. I could claim it as living expenses, and it'd be free.

"I should've told Kuruso about the food earlier. Eh," I said as I shrugged, "it can wait until tomorrow."

I gave a dirty look to the bathtub, lined with brown hair. That could wait until tomorrow, too. Mental note: make sure you go before Centorea. And probably Papi too. Instead, I just brushed my teeth and called it a day. For the first time since I came here, I looked myself over in the mirror, brush and paste in hand.

As I ran my hand over my face, I noticed my light-skinned complexion had not changed, nor had my brown eyes, which stared back at me through reflection. "I wouldn't have minded putting on a few pounds or inches, but that's fine, I suppose."

While brushing my teeth, I heard someone try to open the door. Finding that it was locked (another tip: always lock your bathroom/bedroom doors), the person knocked. "Um, Bando-san?" Miia called timidly, her voice muffled.

Amid a groan, I spat out the blue liquid and said, "Yeah, what's up?"

"Are you busy right now?"

I groaned again. Being alone was too much to ask, perhaps, especially in the bathroom. "Not... at the moment, no," I answered. "Do you need to use the bathroom?"

The sound of her serpentine body moving around behind the door made me think she was nervous. "Can I come in?" she asked. "I want to speak to you privately." I listened closely as she spoke.

Please don't be a seduction, please don't be a seduction, please don't be a seduction!

That was my panic-induced first thought, anyway, but on further reflection, I saw that that wasn't the case. She loved her "Darling" end of the story, and I didn't think she was the sort to see others as objects of sexual desire.

It could only be one way to find out what she wanted. "Yeah, hang on a second." I opened the door to reveal Miia nervously fiddling with her pointer fingers without looking at me directly.

What the hell was going on? "Well, uh, come on in." I returned to the sink to pick up my toiletries and give her space. "So, what's up, buttercup?" I asked.

Seeing Miia's sinuous body move was mesmerizing, and it was hard not to stare. Her uneasy expression quickly turned to confusion. "'Buttercup'?" she asked.

"It's just an expression," I explained with a wave, "I meant no harm by it."

"Um, okay..." And there, the anxiety came back. "So... I have a question..."

" That is what I assumed," I said patiently and nodded, "And I would like to know what it is?"

It was starting to worry me. Wasn't Miia typically one of the most positive girls here? Whatever it was, it must've been something terrible, but why would she tell a guy she'd just met about it?

"You're a guy, right?" she shouted suddenly.

Um.

"Yes? Last time I checked..." What the hell was going on?

"I was wondering if you had any experience with... um, relationships?"

Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

There was only one white lie it would take. The girls would never discover the truth. One lie, and I would be absolved of this mess.

Her golden slit eyes were quivering, pleading, and her face was beautifully contorted from embarrassment and a desire to please the one she loved.

It may be that you can read my mind, but I'm a simple man. I am susceptible to Puppy Dog EyesTM if they are used by a sufficiently lovely/pretty girl with wholesome intentions. Also, it would be best not to be on the wrong side of a girl who could easily pull a boa constrictor on me.

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

I answered with a smile while internally crying. "Yeah, I do."

"Let me learn the ways of men!" Miia asked while bowing with such force and speed that most humans would've snapped. "Teach me the ways of men!" Miia shouted. "Teach me your ways, please!"

It seems odd that I never expected being bowed to by an attractive lamia while wearing a pink bathrobe given to me by the world's laziest government agent would be one of the most memorable events in my life.

"I don't deserve that kind of treatment," I asked, looking at a fascinating corner. "Please don't bow like that."

Her face looked disheartened as she rose. "I'm sorry, sometimes I... overdo things." she apologized.

Yeah, no kidding.

My first reaction was to laugh off what had happened. "It just caught me off, guard." How should I approach this? "What exactly do you mean by 'the ways of men.'

I want my darling to be happy!" she said. No shit. "I have no experience with humans, let alone men... So I was hoping you could advise me on what he might like! As a man!" she added.

My understanding was correct, but it was nice to have it clarified. "I understand. But why me?" I asked.

She tapped a finger on her cheek and thought for a moment. "I dunno, you seem like a nice guy, is all!" she decided with a smile. Her optimism was admirable, but I felt she should be less trusting of strangers.

Such an attitude enabled the Director to access the house, despite Kuruso being the most significant culprit. I had every intention of slamming the door in that asshole's face when it was time, but until then...

Occasionally offering a little advice could be a good thing. Since I have experience listening to other people's problems and trying to help them, that may give me more authority than just cleaning up after harem shenanigans.

My response was, "Yeah, I could do that," Just as the words left my mouth, Miia cried out. Before I knew what was happening, I was tackled by a tackle-hug that caused me to fall onto the wet floor.

As she crushed me in her embrace, Miia yelled, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I was so worried since those hussies came along, but now that you're here, I have the edge I need to fight back.

I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe!

Trying desperately to push against the passionate lamia's coils, I cried, "GK!" Uncle, uncle!

When Miia realized she was fucking killing me, she immediately loosened her grip. I fell to the floor, gasping for breath and sucking in as much delicious air as possible. "I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed.

"It's fine," I said with a shaky breath, and I had to admit that I was relieved not to have had to resort to Kuruso's tail tactic to escape that death trap. "Just... never again... okay?" I asked.

"Understood, Romance Master!" she saluted enthusiastically.

Goddamned nicknames.

Christ, that wound me; it was taking longer than I thought. Hopefully, she didn't break a rib. "I'm not exactly a romance master. Can we... talk more tomorrow? I really... want to pass out."

"Mhm! I'm looking forward to your first lesson!" She turned to leave but then stopped and looked back at my still-prone form. "Umm... need help?" she inquired.

"Yes, please," I gasped, my dignity discarded as Miia hoisted me up, rapidly lifting me and wrapping a slender arm around my waist. I grunted in thanks as Miia half-dragged me outside.

When we passed Kuruso's door, I noticed she looked longingly at it, but I chose not to comment. When we reached my room, I told her I could handle myself. "See you in the morning," I said.

"Adios, Miia."

" Goodnight, Romance Master!" the lamia called as she departed.

"Don't call me that!" I called after her. Oh, right, there was something else I meant to ask. "Hold on!" I said.

"Mm?" Miia stopped, her upper body rotating and her lower body still. Okay, that was a little creepy.

"Has Smith-san discussed any changes to the Cultural Exchange Bill with you? Are there any tests for anything new?"

"Not at all." She shook her head in response. "Why do you ask?"

A part of me withered and died. I guess hoping I'd miss that particular event was too much.

My smile was almost entirely fake. I answered, "Oh, nothing," and said, "Goodnight!".

"Sleep well, nighty-night!"

The only sound I heard before absolute silence came crashing in was the click of the lock. I looked at my bed and felt unfathomable sorrow for what lay ahead. The full moon was approaching, if not tomorrow, and hell would follow soon.

To be continued...