Ah, me? 

I will continue to think about your departure, perhaps for much longer than I currently envision 😊. 

Isn't it strange? That I could start to feel this sense of connection to you and to your art after you had left? You are characteristically beautiful. Your songs are heart-movingly beautiful. Your voice is soul-touchingly beautiful. So, I just want to appreciate you. 

There have been more, and there will be many more, late-comers like me. They will surely come to appreciate your art. Your Blingers will continue to remember you for a long, long, long time.

I usually (all the times thus far) have the ability judge a person's character accurately. Even though you and I can be considered as peers, I have lived in different places, met different people, and encountered various circumstances. So, I could say that I am more experienced in reading people than you are. The fact that I recognized your genuineness, your decency, and your talents after just one performance, even after you had left, speaks highly of the person you were (still "are" to me). So, please, don't be filled with regrets. Feel proud that you lived well. Feel content that you did well. Feel confident that you are loved. 

Ah, your GIF makes me feel dizzy!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need you to leave any words for me. I have heard enough and understand your wishes. I will live well, live inspiringly, live beautifully. For myself, for my beloved, for our society, and also for your stead.

I understand you, Jjong. I know that you did not want to leave. I know that you were "calling out" for attention when you were revving your car up and down the street in front of that convenient store. You were bellowing desperately, for help. Some people heard you but they did not understand you, regretfully. That's why I feel this sharp pain whenever I think of your departure. You did not want to give up! Not at all! Just sitting here right now, I could picture the look in your eyes, under that dark skullcap and that black oversized hooded down jacket. Your mind was subdued but your willpower was still flickering. That's why you went out of your hideout, bought a pack of cigarettes, a fizzy drink, and snacks. That's why you were stepping on the accelerator and braking so hard to make noise. Your will to live was "silently" commanding your body to revolt, so strongly, so stoically. You needed the nicotine to sustain your lucidity. You wanted to consume some sweets to cheer yourself up. Thus, you must have been so hurt and disheartened because nobody "heard" your cries. Ahhhhh, this kind of pain is so agonizing. If only your condition was more widely known, if only those bystanders and passersby were able to discern your irrational behaviors. You would have been saved, then. And I would be so grateful if you had remained safe in return for my not hearing your name and not learning about your beautiful art. I will gladly trade it any time. 

I understand you, Jjong. I really do. That's why I know you still have many things left to say, especially in regard to how people should view your departure. But before you start, I want you to know that devoted Blingers, Shawols, Selene and many like her, AndyBlue*heart* and many like her, your SHINee brothers, your sister, your mother, and your other friends will always remember you, love you, and appreciate you for who you are. You will always be a bright star forever shining in their hearts. 

My dad often said that "the climax of artistry is always accompanied by sadness". A wounded and sorrowful soul can effortlessly reach any audience, simply because that soul is already magnificent enough to comprehend life's beauty---love and selflessness. You had given all you had, Jjong. You had loved all you could. So you are beautiful, as-is. 

Now go ahead and talk to your heart's content. I will make sure to have them translated into at least all major languages so you can be heard. 

"Hello again,

LT, thanks for giving me this space. I appreciate the effort you are putting in to bridge the communication gap between me and my beloved. I also value your understanding and interest in my music and me. Your sentiment makes me feel that my life-long desire is achieved, to have my art remain long after me. So, thank you!

To others,

I want to reiterate that I suffered from severe depression and lost my battle against depression. I sought professional help but could not find the right match. My doctors really tried their bests. All my family and friends were tirelessly fighting along my side. All Blingers and Shawols offered me their unrelenting and loving support. So, then, besides not being able find the right match in my patient-doctor relationships, what else could have caused me to fail?

First of all, as a public figure who constantly being in the spotlight, I was concerned about my image. Not so much for my personal sake, but for the sake of my band members and company. I really thought if I had taken a long break, SHINee's popularity would suffer because the competition within our entertainment industry is very brutal. Any of my SHINee brothers would think the same if they were in my position. We were one for all and all for one. So, by my "own choice", I had to remain as discrete as I could when seeking psychiatric counseling. And because of the discrete nature of such counseling sessions, I could not fully open myself to my doctors. Thus, preventing them from effectively helping me.

Now, why did I have to be concerned about my band's future and have to remain "as discrete as I could"? After all, SHINee already became famous worldwide. It's because many Asian cultures, especially our Korean culture, still narrow-mindedly view depression as a taboo and wrongly associate it with feeblemindedness. I was concerned that some people would make such statement as "the SHINee boy Jonghyun is too weak so he can't take his fame", or "all those harmful makeup and hair products must have poisoned his mind", or "he can't even take a little fame, how is the group going to flourish", etc which will taint our reputation. So, I was forced to "contain" my thoughts and feelings most of the times. 

With the cut-throat competition in our entertainment industry, my fear of causing SHINee to become unpopular if I had taken prolonged time off was very valid. We have new groups/singers debut every month. Just in 2017, there were more than 38 groups and 20 solo artists debuted. So SHINee has to constantly introduce new songs and projects to maintain our ranking. The five of us have invested all our teenage and a large part of our twenties into SHINee. We started our rigorous training since 12, 14, 15, and 16 years old. It's our life-long dream, our youth, our future, and all that we know. We have been so focused on this path that we have not prepared ourselves for an alternative route. So, of course, each of us have the responsibility to protect it. If not for our individual sake, it's for the sake of the remaining four. Thus, my worry was reasonable.

Jinki hyung, Minho, Taemin, and Kibum worried and cared about me a great deal. But knowing that they would rather have me take time off and seek treatments instead of protecting SHINee's popularity, I couldn't divulge the severity of my condition. That was another mistake. 

I let some part of my condition be known through Blue Night Radio, interviews, and when I couldn't contain, on stage. But that was just a grain of salt in the sea of water. I bottled up the majority of the pain. In the end, I unknowingly backed myself into an inescapable corner. And it was too late. I still left, not temporarily, but for eternity. So, SHINee now only has four members. I trust in their talents and know that they will continue to do well, to thrive beyond any limits. But now, they cary this forever sadness of losing me.

The point I am trying to make here is that, I should have recognized the importance of seeking immediate treatment for my depression, regardless of what little or big negative outcomes it might have brought. Thus, I want to use myself as an example to, hereby, encourage my dear friends and colleagues in South Korean, other East Asian, Southeast Asian, and the rest of the world's entertainment industries to bravely seek professional help if you are suffering from depression and/or other mental illnesses. What does fame even mean when you don't have a life left to appreciate it ? What does popularity even mean when you can't hold your mother and sister to say that you love them? What does top-of-the-chart ranking even mean when you can't stand in front of our awesome audience and see them smile when you sing? The most important asset to an entertainer is his/her health. Real, authentic health. Not the façade put on to hide illnesses.

If your fans are not understanding of your pains and conditions, are their praises and tip-of-the-lips cheering service deserving of the dedication you put in to make them happy? The answer is no! If we truly invest our hearts and souls, we should expect true affection from true fans. And true fans will worry about our well-beings above all. I did not realize this earlier. But I want to share this hard-learned lesson with you. 

If your managers or your agencies do not understand and worry about your condition, screw them. They do not deserve to capitalize on your talents. Be brave and speak up! Don't worry about the contract at this point. If you can stay alive, you may be able to work to pay the compensation fees. But if you can't even remain alive due to psychotic depression, why bother worrying so much? It's not worth your while.

Speaking of contracts... I want to say this to new generation of aspiring artists.

No businessperson wants to lose his/her investment. We all understand this. But using the underhanded method like letting you borrow money for cosmetic surgeries, for high-brand clothing, and extravagant living expenses, etc to rope you into huge amount of debt is NOT acceptable. With no fame and no income, of course you would work yourself so hard in order to become famous, to get a label, to pay off your debts. This is not the moral way of operation. I understand well that, to many of us, such debt is our lifeline. But, the fact of the matter is, a businessperson should be able to accept risks. So, if they think that your potential talents are worth investing, they should be able to do so without forcing you into these debts, to trap you, to enslave you. Art should be liberating. Art should come solely from the love of art. It's the matter of the soul and should be free of materialistic attachment. 

As an aspiring artist, you should not have to be forced into what we now call "the paper cup diet". This is criminal! Many of you are teenagers or in your early twenties. Your bodies are still developing. Such diet will halt growth and leave detrimental effects in the long run. Let me see a show of hands if you do not regularly have stomachache from being too hungry or an upset stomach after eating. Why do we have to look like walking skeletons for the picture shoots or music videos? Instead, a well balanced healthy diet along with regular exercise will help us maintain our shapes better. With enough nutrients, our brains will work more efficiently, we will likely be more creative, and will definitely feel happier. Why worry so much about a picture angle? Isn't that why makeup was invented? Our makeup artists are known worldwide for their skills. So, creating the perfect facial contour is not at all the problem. Why worry about your figure too much? Isn't that why we have stylists? To help us look better? My dear, your talents should be the focus. Really. Just look at the beloved Adele. Long before us, there were Patsy Cline, Nina Simone, and many more. Their talents were the limelight, not their looks!

Why have we let our culture and art become so engrossed in appearances? It has inevitably created so much stress on younger artists and future artists. This is not a healthy lifestyle nor mentality. Thus, it should be changed. Why do our youths have to pay so much attention on their outer appearance? Their energy should be used for studying and other long-term personal development activities. Because our society has become so focused on looks, our youths feel insecure if they can't have nice, brand-name, and hip items or if they don't have double eyelids, a high nose, fair skin, or that hair color. This is simply wrong! Such feeling of inadequacy greatly reduces their self-esteem, making them more withdrawn from their peers, and will surely make them depressed. We should put more emphasis on morality and mind instead. 

Besides being forced to be overly concerned about their appearance, what else is causing our youths to suffer from depression and, regrettably in many cases, pushing them to the point of self-harm? It's the misguided familial and societal association of their WORTH solely to their earning capacity and their career status. Why do all of us have to become doctors, lawyers, dentists, professors, K-pop idols, or successful businessmen/women? What about teachers? We need more teachers to guide our younger generations and our youths in their early civil, mental, and physical development. Teachers are needed. What about farmers? Where do we get food on our tables everyday if it isn't for the hard work that our farmers put in? This profession deserves much respect. What about our plumbers, mechanics, or janitors? All professions are needed to maintain the operation of our society, hence all professions should be respected and well compensated. So, why do some of us put unreasonable pressure on ourselves and on our youths, forcing them to pursue certain career paths that are not within their capacities and their liking? Studying until their noses bleed is not how one should study. Studying should be an enjoyable experience, not a physical torture. 

Yes, you may say how dare a high school dropout speak about studying? I transferred to a music school  because I knew I wanted to learn music. I did not just quit and become a delinquent. So, let your children study whatever they want, of course, after helping them obtain the needed information related to possible career outlook. Help them understand the pros and cons instead of shutting them up unreasonably. They will feel discontent and will not be happy. 

I lived for 27 years, 8 months, and 10 days. I ended my life because my depression made me unable to appreciate my self-worth. Thus I am someone who understand the dire need to feel happy. So, just let your loved ones do whatever that makes them happy. Then, you will feel the happiness also. 

Another point I want to bring up is the obsessive mentality of certain fans toward their favorite idols. Each of us, as individual entity, deserves our freedom to love, to be expressive of our feelings, to be in relationships with the people we love, and to have our privacy. Just as a fan is, the idol is also entitled to his/her personal happiness. He/she should not have to be concerned about dating the person he/she likes, admiring the talent of an idol of opposite-sex, or sharing that he/she is in love with someone. I still don't understand why certain fans react so negatively to dating news of certain artists. Artists are entertainers, not your possessions. So, enjoy their artistic contribution and love them for who they are. Bless their love and relationships. The happy artists will make you happier when you see them. They will simply exuberate their contagious happiness.

Finally, I want to talk about how I would like to be remembered. 

I hope my Blingers and Shawols will fondly remember my cheerful personality of the distant past, my earnest attitude toward living for most of my life, and my struggle against depression. I want you to understand the severity of depression, seek the needed help, and provide assistance to other people. I wish to see projects and campaigns aiming to raise awareness of depression, to promote a more open dialogue about depression, and to advocate for more positive change in treatment therapies. I do believe that depression should deserve attention from the entire society because its increasing prevalence is quietly but quickly languishing our invaluable youths. Thus, I hope that Blingers, Shawols, my family, SHINee, other artists, and concerning citizens will take part in these meaningful projects, aiming at making our society healthier and our (your) quality of life better. 

We can really start by having THE KIM JONG HYUN'S FAN CONFESSION PROJECT on my first death anniversary. In small and confidential groups, with no cell phones, no recording devices, I hope people can gather and share what they liked and disliked about me with each other, openly, lovingly, friendly. This can also be done in a private online forum, as long as it remains confidential. I believe that just talking about me will help many of my fans feel happier. 

I also hope to see ANTI-DEPRESSION campaigns started under my name. What is there to worry about? I already left. Mentioning my name will not be disrespectful of me at all. To the contrary, it will be my great honor if the name Kim Jong Hyun can help prevent just another tragic death or save another desperate soul. So, please, help me by engaging in the fight against depression! I will be ever so grateful to you. 

Besides the project and campaign that my mother and my sister may soon start, please consider the following:

- The Kim Jong Hyun Healthy Body and Mind project

- The Kim Jong Hyun Be Me! project

- The Kim Jong Hyun Depression Awareness Day (That's it! Choose my anniversary for this day!)

- The Kim Jong Hyun Listen To My Story project

- The Kim Jong Hyun You Did Well project

- The Kim Jong Hyun I Love You Day (on my birthday?)

- The Kim Jong Hyun You Are Worth It project

I can keep going but I bet you are already tired of reading my name by now. So, here comes my closing note.

I wish you good physical and mental health, genuine happiness, meaningful relationships, and rewarding careers in life. 

It has been a fabulous stage for me, the Jonghyun of SHINee. It has been a wonderful life with you in it--mom, Sodam noona, my love, my friends, my dearest Blingers, and my Shawols. It has been an earnest fight. I am happy to have lived through it and hope that my art remains. 

I love you all. 

I will now go, in peace, with contentment.

Yours,

Forever.

Kim Jong Hyun"

Ahem.

Are you feeling alright? What is that bright smile for? You are making me nervous. Were you able to fully express your thoughts and feelings?

Yes? I am glad.

I will make sure that your messages reach the intended recipients. Yes, of many languages. Don't worry. I already enlisted Selene, AndyBlue, other Blingers, and interested individuals for this translation project. I assure you. ^_^

Come, let me hug you once.

Please know that I understand you, thus feel free to come talk to me whenever you need. I promise to live cheerfully, wholeheartedly, earnestly, and as healthily as I can.

So, let me borrow the wonderful performance below to bid you farewell, Jjong. This is how I would like to sing the song you wrote to you.

https://youtu.be/ECSz0dLk6Ow

Now you can go. Rest. Sleep. You did exceptionally well, our beloved Jjong. You will be dearly missed.

Annyeonghi gaseyo. 😉