(Now read this again, but in Aragorn's voice. It just makes it 100X better.)

(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA IT'S SO FUNNY)

(YEP I'M FINALLY CRACKING)

(YAY!)

(Don't worry I'll be back to normal tomorrow)

ππππ

"Finally this story gets to focus on us for a bit." Bilbo huffed leaning back in his chair.
"Yeah, sitting around waiting for this lazy author to write this chapter has been exhausting," Boromir replied nodding his head. 
"You think that the readers will get annoyed by all this fourth wall breaking we'll be doing?" Bilbo asked.
"Hey, they should have seen it coming. We're the FWB! Of course we get a whole chapter dedicated to us!"

"Will you two stop running your mouths so we can get this over with?" Thranduil snapped. "The sooner I'm out of this idiotic story the better."
"At least it's not a Thranduil Love Story." Bilbo pointed out to which Thranduil had to agree with. 
"How come there aren't any Boromir Love Stories?" Boromir asked feeling slightly left out. 
"Trust me pal," Es said from where she was busy reading something on her phone, "you're one of the lucky ones. The last thing you want to be is that one character who has nothing but fanfictions about random girls falling in love with you."

"But in all of those fics you're always portrayed as some creepy stalker who hates women for some reason." Bilbo added smoking his pipe. 
"Yeah! What's the deal with that? Did anyone even pay attention to my character throughout the books and films? I AM NOT THAT BAD OF A GUY!"
"I'd hate to interrupt your lack of popularity amongst the Tolkien Fandom," Thranduil said clearing his throat, "but can we please get back on track?" 

"Hang on, reading comments." Es held up her index finger and continued to scroll through her phone. 
"Comments from what?" Thranduil asked.
"The last chapter we updated." 
"We?" Boromir scratched his head.
"Yes." Es scrolled for a few more seconds then shut her phone off. 

"Alright, let's get down to business." Thranduil said.
"TO DEFEAT THE HUNS!" Bilbo, Boromir, and Es sang at the same time which caused Thranduil to bury his face in his hands.
"I SWEAR I WORK WITH CHILDREN!"
"When you think about your age Thrandy, we are children." Es munched on some lembas. 

"Do any of you even remember why we have a whole chapter dedicated to this mess of a story?" Thranduil growled. 
"Duh, introduce some new plot points." Es said moving on to some more lembas.
"Is that why those two are standing over there?" Bilbo asked pointing to Tatharel and Pearl. 
"Yep." Es replied now onto lembas number 17. 

"Uh, hi?" Tatharel said while Pearl waved nervously.
"Ah, now I remember." Bilbo snapped his fingers and pointed to Tatharel. "You're here because you want to be a Fourth Wall Breaker." 
"I guess?" She glanced nervously at Es who was now eating her 48th lembas bread.
"Shouldn't she not be eating all of those?" The nervous hobbit asked Bilbo.
"For Es, lembas=potato chips." Boromir replied.

"So if Tatharel is here to be a FWB, why is Pearl here?" Bilbo asked.
"Because they formed an unexpected bond in Chapter 5." Es was onto her last piece of lembas and was making every nibble count. "It would be a shame to separate them now. But Pearl will not become a FWB."
"Why not?" Pearl asked even though she still wasn't sure what an FWB was. 
"Because then we'd have four hobbits breaking the Fourth Wall and that just screams disaster." 

"This story is a disaster," Thranduil muttered. 
"What was that?" Bilbo asked.
"Why do you want to be a Fourth Wall Breaker hobbit?" Thranduil asked Tatharel completely ignoring Bilbo.
She shrugged. "I dunno, sounds fun?"
"Heck yeah it's fun!" Boromir shouted. "I can literally simply walk into anywhere! That's my FWBT!"
"FWBT?" Pearl asked very confused now.

"Fourth Wall Breaker Trait." Bilbo answered. "Every FWB has a certain trait that only they can use. Boromir, for example, can simply walk into anywhere he wants when he wants. I can switch from looking like Ian Holm Bilbo to Martin Freeman Bilbo whenever I want. Thranduil can interact directly with the writer (who you'll find out more about later) and Es-"

"Can make food appear out of nowhere!" Pearl exclaimed having finally solved the mystery of where Es gets her unlimited supply of food.
"Uh no, she's always been able to do that." Boromir said.

Never mind...

"So where do you get all that food?" Tatharel asked Es who was now eating some deep dish pizza.
"That my friend, shall always remain a mystery." Es took a bite out of her pizza, smiling in glee. "As for my trait, I haven't exactly found out what it is yet. But I will eventually."

"Okay... so what does a FWB do?" Tatharel sat down in an unoccupied chair leaving Pearl no choice but to stand next to her. 

"First and foremost: we annoy the living daylights out of readers and Thranduil." Boromir and Bilbo thought this was pretty funny and started laughing while Thranduil glared at them.
"Second of all: we help keep the balance in the Story World." Bilbo continued. "You never know when some rogue character is going to start messing with things and cause grief for the poor writer."
"Who's the writer?" Pearl tilted her head to the side.
"You'll find out." Es said sipping a slushie. "I hear that they are a very kind and gentle soul who just loves the characters they write about."

Both Thranduil and Boromir exchanged slightly horrified glances.

"Great, so when do I start?" Tatharel asked.
"First off: are you sure that you want to take on the burden of being a FWB?" Bilbo questioned.
"What burden? You're all the happiest looking bunch I've ever seen." Pearl folded her arms across her chest.
"Uh, never mind that then. Look do you want to be a FWB or not?"
Tatharel shrugged. "Sure. What do I have to do?"

"FAULT LINES! UNDERNEATH MY GLASS HOUSE! BUT I PUT IT OUT OF MY MIND! LONG ENOUGH TO CALL IT COURAGE-" Es suddenly belted at the top of her lungs.
"What are you doing?" Boromir asked rubbing his now sore ears.
"Sorry, Edge of a Knife soundtrack is playing while this chapter is being written." Es replied looking very embarrassed.  
"In that case, Esmerelda you will be training Tatharel." Thranduil announced before the subject could be further talked of. "In the mean time, Bilbo and I are going to investigate some strange happenings in another plot of the story. Pearl can join you if she likes."

Es shrugged and ate a piece of chocolate cake, then the rest of the cake.

"What about me? Do I get to go help you guys?" Boromir asked hopefully.
"Nope. You'll be helping Esmerelda train Tatharel." Thranduil replied smugly.
"WHAT?! WHY DO I HAVE TO HELP ES?"
"Consider this payback for stealing my crown and sitting on my throne and calling yourself "Mr. Reindeer King" after I told you to stay out of my house." 

Boromir muttered incoherent things under his breath with his arms crossed like a pouting child. 
"Should we get going Thranduil?" Bilbo asked suddenly appearing as Martin Freeman Bilbo.
"Yes, we've wasted too much time already." Thranduil didn't even seem to acknowledge the change as he addressed Es. 
"Train Tatharel in secret, don't let anyone know that you're doing it understand?"
Es saluted. "Aye-Aye Cap'n!"

Thranduil sighed then pointed at Boromir. "And absolutely no sneaking off. If you do, I'll find out, then I'll hurt you, and I'll make it look like an accident."
Boromir gulped nervously.
"Alright, we're off. Good luck to all of you." With that Thranduil turned and exited the room, his robes flowing behind him in such a kingly way it makes your heart skip a beat cause IT'S FREAKING THRANDUIL Y'ALL!

"Okay hobbits (and Boromir) let the FWB training begin!" Es declared clapping her hands together. 
"Great..." Tatharel said, still not sure how she got herself into this mess to begin with.
"Where are we going?" Pearl asked.
"Somewhere secret and safe." Es replied.
"THIS SONG IS SO SAD!" Boromir sobbed.

"What song?" Tatharel asked. "I don't hear anything."
"It's an FWB thing," Es patted a sobbing Boromir sympathetically on the shoulder, "sometimes we can hear what the writer is listening to while they write. 
"WHY ARE YOU REPLAYING IT?! WHY DO YOU ENJOY ALL THINGS ANGST?!" Boromir cried falling to his knees.
"You know you're not going to get an answer right?" Es rolled her eyes.

Tatharel and Pearl exchanged a look.
That look that clearly says: I think we made a terrible mistake.
But it was too late to back out now.

"Come my friends!" Es said dragging a still sobbing Boromir. "Our adventure awaits!" 
Glancing at each other one last time, Tatharel and Pearl followed them out of wherever it was the FWB gathered for their secret meeting. 

And no one knew when another update would come.

ππππ

The lyrics that Es was singing are from the song Earth by Sleeping at Last. It's a lovely song and I totally recommend it.