CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.   just like seeing her for the first time

warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts

      Kennedy hated funerals. She hated the feeling of depression that came with them. The last funeral she went to was her father's. She didn't want to go but her mother made her. Seeing his body in a casket, watching them lower the casket into the ground, it changed her completely. Her life lost all its color. Living every day with her mother's guilt and hatred wasn't worth it anymore. There were many days Kennedy wondered if dying was better than living with her mother. If it was better to end things herself.

But what good would that do? Her mother finding her body and her grandmother going crazy over it. She couldn't do that to them. But that didn't stop her from thinking about it.

Kennedy stood with Xavier under his umbrella. The whole Nevermore school attended Mayor Walker's funeral. Her head was laid against his shoulder. It was pouring rain. It seemed that mother nature knew the vibe of what today was.

She saw Lucas and his mother sitting by the casket and she felt guilty. She knew how they were feeling. Sure she and Lucas had their disagreements but nobody deserves to lose a parent.

Then she saw Tyler and he was looking at Wednesday, who was standing in the back away from everyone. Enid and Ajax were across from her. On the other side of them stood Presley and Yoko. She looked back at the casket and Xavier kissed the top of her head.

When the funeral ended, they went to the Weathervane for coffee. They sat at their table. "Are you okay? I know how much you hate funerals." He asked her.

Kennedy shrugged. "I'm not sure. I just feel really bad for Lucas. I know we're not really friends but I know how he's feeling."

Xavier nodded. The waiter brought them their drinks and he smiled when he saw the cinnamon on hers. "Still the same order?"

"It'll never change." She confirmed and sipped on the drink.

When she put the cup down, Xavier laughed. She narrowed her eyes. He pointed to his lip, indicating the foam on her mouth. Kennedy quickly wiped it away. "You're so cute."

"Hush." She said with red cheeks.

Xavier laughed again and put his hand on the table, open faced. Kennedy reached her hand forward and placed it in his. When she turned her head, she saw Lucas enter the coffee shop, dripping wet from the rain. "I'll be right back, okay?"

Xavier nodded and she stood from the table. She slowly walked up to Lucas with shaky hands. "Lucas?"

"Hey Kennedy." He responded in small voice. Sadness swam in his eyes.

Kennedy cleared her throat. "Um, I just want to give my condolences. I'm really sorry about your dad. I know how you feel."

Lucas blinked. "You do?"

"My father passed away too. He was hit by a drunk driver. He died on impact."

The sadness on his face deepened. "Oh, I'm so sorry."

Kennedy shook her head. "It's okay. I just want to say I know we've had issues but I can see that you're not a bad guy. If you need anything or need someone to talk to you, you can always call me."

Lucas's eyes filled with tears and before she could blink, he was pulled her into a hug. Kennedy blinked rapidly in shock at the affection. "Thank you," he said and sniffled. "Thank you."

Her expression softened and she sank into the hug. "Of course."

It wasn't awkward. It was quite comforting knowing there was somebody that understood how she was feeling. She possibly gained a new friend.

Presley and Kennedy were crashed on their beds. "I hate funerals."

"I know, I'm sorry. At least you have Xavier," Presley reminded her, making her smile. "Are you two ever going to figure out if you're back together or not?"

"I don't know. I'm kinda happy where we are, y'know?  Just he and I being in each other's presence."

Presley grinned. "You loveeee him!" She teased.

Kennedy threw her pillow at her from across the room.  "Shut up!"

"It's true! I have something to tell you."

She rolled over on her side. "Yeah, what is it?"

Presley's face brightened. "I told Yoko that I love her."

Kennedy gasped loudly. "What?" She sat up on the bed. "Pres, that's amazing! What did she say?"

"She said she loves me too!"

"Presley, I'm so proud of you! That's awesome. I literally can't see you with anybody else but her."

"I know right?" The vampire said and sat up as well.  "She's just so incredible. She's funny and she's such a good listener. We can literally talk about anything and it feels like we're talking for hours."

Kennedy awed. "Stop it, I'm gonna cry! I'm so happy for us right now."

"I know," Presley smiled again and reached her hand over like she could reach her. "We're both in good places right now. I've been waiting for this moment all our lives."

Wednesday came walking in their room, ending their love conversation. "Sorry to interrupt. Kennedy, can I borrow you?"

Kennedy glanced over at Presley. "Go. I'll be here fawning over how much I love my girlfriend."

She giggled and Wednesday cringed. She followed her out of their room. "What's up?"

"We're going to the Nightshades library again. To meet my uncle." Wednesday told her.

Kennedy raised her brows. "Your uncle's here?"

"Yes. He knows what the monster is. It's a hyde."

"What the hell is a hyde?"

"He said he knew a woman that one day went on a rampage and murdered everyone. He said she was completely normal before." Wednesday explained.

Kennedy hummed. "So it's like. . . a bipolar thing?"

"Precisely. He said I need to find Nathaniel Faulkner's diary. It's in the library."

"Faulkner? The founder of Nevermore?"

Wednesday nodded again. "He said he found the diary in a safe. We more going to look for it."

"Fun," Kennedy hummed again. "How come you want me to come with you?"

Wednesday gave her the side eye. "I need someone that can fight in case someone tries to attack us."

She nodded in response. "I am a good fighter." She then remembered something. "I'm guessing you and Enid still aren't on good terms?"

"I already apologized and she still won't forgive me. She's come by like three times to look for her stuff," she responded blankly.

Kennedy frowned. "Enid's sensitive but she means well. She's the kindest person I've ever met. She'll come around, okay? She can never stay mad for long."

Wednesday didn't respond.

"Is there something else?" She asked after seeing the uneasy look on her face.

She turned to her, which made Kennedy stop walking. lOut of everybody here, you're the one person who hasn't given up on me. Why?" Wednesday asked.

She shrugged at the question. "I know what it feels like to be abandoned by people. I don't want to be that person. Even if what you did was wrong you don't deserve to be punished for it. You're just trying to help." She answered easily.

There was something in Wednesday's face that Kennedy couldn't identify. She blinked a couple times. "You're. . ." She started then paused like she couldn't get it out. "You're—You're a good. . . friend, Kennedy."

Kennedy's eyes widened slightly in shock. "Friend?"

She nodded curtly like it was the most painful thing for her to do.

A smile slowly grew on her lips. "Does this mean we can hug now?"

"No." She responded and walked away.

Kennedy still smiled and followed her to the Edgar Allen Poe statue. Wednesday snapped her fingers twice and the passage way opened. "I'll never not be creeped out by that," Kennedy commented when the two of them walked down the staircase.

When they reached the bottom, Wednesday looked around for sight of her uncle. "Uncle Fester?"

Hearing footsteps, Kennedy turned her head and saw Xavier appear from behind a wall. "Who's Uncle Fester?" He asked.

"Xavier, what are you doing here?"

He just shrugged. "I come down here sometimes. Why are you guys here in the middle of the night?"

"Research." Wednesday stated

"On the monster?" Xavier asked. "I'll save you some time. There's nothing in here matching that thing."

She looked him up and down. "Isn't that convenient."

Kennedy shot her a look of disapproval.

"You know what your problem is?" He snapped at her.

"Guys—"

"I would love to hear your piercing insight,"  Wednesday shot back, interrupted the girl.

Xavier rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "You don't know who your real friends are." He pointed at Kennedy. "Ken's really the only real friend you have."

Kennedy shook her head. "That's not true,"

"Isn't it? You've been on her side since day one." He looked back at Wednesday. "I literally saved your life.  Kennedy and I believed your theories when nobody else did and what do I get in return? Just nothing but suspicion and lies."

"Fine. You want honesty? Here it is," Wednesday snapped expressionlessly. "Every time the monster's attacked, you've been right there."

Xavier laughed in disbelief.

"Starting with Rowan at The Harvest Festival. Then on Outreach Day, You arrived at the meeting house just minutes after the monster disappeared, yet you say you didn't see it."

Be threw his hands up. "I didn't realize proximity was a crime."

"Then there's your drawing obsession."

"Okay, guys, stop." Kennedy spoke firmly.

"You have drawn the monster dozens of times, yet you've never seen it. Or so you claim," Wednesday continued. "You even drew where it lived. Then when eugene went to investigate, you tried to kill him so he wouldn't spill your secret."

"Wednesday, that's crazy." Kennedy commented like she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Is it?"

"You think I would hurt Eugene?" Xavier asked, now starting to get angry.

"Let's no forget your oh-so combiner appearance after Tyler had been attacked at the gates mansion."

He stepped forward, still glaring at her. "If I am the monster then why haven't I killed you yet? Or Kennedy?"

Kennedy blinked.

"Because you love Kennedy," Wednesday answered as if she wasn't in the room. "And for some reason I cannot fathom or indulge, you seem to like me."

Xavier looked over her head, Kennedy standing there in silence. He wouldn't argue that. Of course he loved her. He glared at Wednesday again. "What's to like?"

He left the library quickly. Kennedy looked down at her. "That was harsh, Wednesday. He's not the monster."

"And you know that how?"

"I know him, Addams. He's not like that."

"You're only saying that because you love him. Love blinds people. Take into consideration everything I said that he's done." Wednesday firmly stated. "And like you said, the hyde is like being bipolar. You never really know someone, Kennedy."

This time, Kennedy didn't respond. A loud thud caused her to flinch and she turned around to see a man standing by the bookshelf. Her eyes widened in fear.

"How long have you been lurking?" Wednesday questioned in annoyance.

"Long enough to feel the tension on the room," the man answered and electricity came from his hands when he brought them together. He smiled crazily. "I'm guessing you're Kennedy?"

She nodded silently, still afraid.

"Uncle Fester, this is Kennedy Eden. Kennedy, this is my Uncle Fester. He's harmless," Wednesday introduced them.

Kennedy gave him a small wave. "Hi."

"Is he your boyfriend?"

She blinked a couple times. "Uh, something like that."

"Yowza! You're a lucky one." He said with a large smile.

Wednesday rolled her eyes at his childish act.

They suddenly heard the sound of fingertips pattering on the ground. "I recognize the patter of those fingertips anywhere," he acknowledged. Thing made himself present. "Hello, Thing!"

Thing tapped his fingers on the desk in response.

Fester was taken back. "You can't still be mad about the kalamazoo job. It wasn't my fault!"

Thing flew at him and grasped him around the neck, choking him. Fester let out a string of gurgled noises. "You said you could crack that safe in 30 seconds!"

Kennedy leaned closer to Wednesday. "I'm more amazed by your family every day."

"Enough."

Fester slowly turned around and Thing had his finger hooked in his mouth. 

"Let him go." Wednesday demanded.

Thing released his finger from his mouth.

"Show us the diary."

Fester led the girls across the room to a table. "Here we are. Iggy was Faulkner's right hand. Trained a generation of Nightshades. And behind Iggy is. . ."  Fester said and opened the framed picture like it was a locket. Behind it revealed a safe. Thing crawled on top of the books. "Do I have time for a snooze or can you crack this one quickly?"

Thing turned himself to Fester slightly before cracking his knuckles and cracking the lock. 

"How is it that a singular hand is smarter than like half of the people at this school?" Kennedy asked out loud. 

Thing heard her and turned her way, making an I love you sign with his fingers.  She smiled. After a while of trying different codes, Thing unlocked the lock and snapped his fingers. Wednesday opened the safe and pulled out the brown covered diary. She and Kennedy smirked successfully.

Xavier was laying in bed when he heard a knock at his door. He was staring at his ceiling in thought, thinking about the accusations Wednesday threw at him. He wasn't sure if the accusations were what bothered him the most or the fact that she did it in front of Kennedy. Xavier never wanted Kennedy to think he was a bad person and he was afraid Wednesday would mess up what they were trying to fix with each other.

He got up from the bed and walked to open the door. He was almost shocked to see Kennedy standing on the other side but it almost instantly brightened his mood. She looked unbelievably beautiful in her night clothes and her hair throw up. "Hey." He spoke softly.

She grinned. "Hi."

He moved out of the way so she could come in. "You know you're not supposed to be up here, right?"

She stopped in the middle of the room and turned around with a smirk. "I know, but you know I don't like to listen."

He couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I've caught onto that."

She took a step closer. "I wanted to see if you were okay. Y'know after that thing with you and Wednesday."

"You don't believe her, do you?"

Kennedy scoffed. "Of course I don't. I've known you longer than she has. You're not capable of hurting anyone. She just doesn't know that."

Xavier felt so much love in his heart for her. The way she was always on his side and always there for him made him regret what happened between them even more. She was so great and he wished he had realized it before. Looking at her right now was just like seeing her for the first time again. He slowly walked up to her and cupped her face, just where her jaw was. He titled her head back so she looked up at him. "I don't think you know just how much you mean to me." He whispered.

Kennedy softly smiled. "Why don't you tell me?"

He caressed her jawline with his thumbs. "The night you guys were at the Gates mansion, I came to your room to talk to you," he began.

She nodded.

"Presley wasn't there. I assumed she was with Yoko. I just had something I really wanted to talk to you about."

Kennedy put her hands on his wrists. "Tell me."

Xavier's eyes scanned her face. "I love you, Kennedy Eden," he said like his life depended on it. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm not exaggerating,"

she smiled.

"I don't know where we went wrong. I think we were both going through horrible times and our health clashed with each other. I just felt like things weren't the same for a while," Xavier admitted.

Kennedy nodded. "I understand, Zay."

He shook his head and ripped his hands from her face. "No, but listen," he started moving around his room. "I thought us breaking up would be a good things. And maybe it has been. I think we're both in good places in our lives now. But I didn't realize until recently how much I missed you until I didn't have you. I didn't realize how much my life had changed for the worse when I couldn't call you anymore. How much I couldn't hear your voice. And then Bianca. . . I thought dating her would help me move on but it didn't. Then seeing you again hit me like a train. I never stopped loving you, Kennedy. Every single day I kicked myself for hurting you."

"I hurt you too, Xavier," she quickly said with tears now building in her eyes. "It's not just on you. I said horrible things to you when you were just trying to help."

"But I didn't make them better. That night when you got that text from your mom, I should've tried harder.  I hate that I didn't try harder. I took the easy way out and I regret it every day. In a way, I think i'm glad I did though because now I see things so much clearer. I know now that I'm completely in love with you."

Kennedy stood there with tears running down her face. They were happy tears. They were tears of love.

"I never want to know what it feels like to miss you. I never want to know again what it feels like to not call you and not hear your voice. I don't ever want to feel that way because you make things so much better. I'm a better person because of you. And you, I mean. . . you've change so much over the years. I'm so damn proud of you. You've been fighting for so long and you deserve to feel happy. You're my best friend, Kennedy. You're always on my side through everything and that's not something I want to lose again. I love you so much."

Kennedy let out the lightest chuckle and walked forward, cupping his face. She pressed a light kiss to his lips. "I love you, Xavier."

He leaned down and kissed her again, Wrapping his arms around her waist. With their lips together,  Xavier backed her up until her knees hit the edge of the bed. She fell backwards and laughed when he hovered over her. His hair fell in his eyes and she pushed his back with her fingers, the tips lingering on his cheek. 

"Please be mine again, Kennedy." He whispered to her.

Kennedy smiled. "Yeah. I always have been."

They kissed again. It was blissful and real. She never felt anything so real in her entire life.

I'm not crying,  you're crying

With this book coming close to an end,  I just want to reflect on everything that's happened.  Kennedy is based on me.  I lost someone in my life that I loved dearly and it put me in a really dark place.  Depression is something that can ruin you.  I thought dating and being in a relationship would help fix my problems but it was the opposite.  I would question why things never worked out and it wasn't until I was 17 that I discovered that I had to learn to love myself before I could love someone else.

Mental health is something that's not talked about enough.  It's a silent killer.  Bipolar disorder is also something that's not talked about enough.  What I want people to take away from this and this story is that you are your own person and you can't rely on other people to fix you.  That's your own journey.  Self love is a long and painful journey but it's so worth it in the end.

Having friends like Enid and Presley is so important because having people in your life that encourage you to do better and better yourself are very significant.  Rven having someone like Xavier that's your best friend and boyfriend in one.  It's very important to surround yourself with people that are healthy to you and your lifestyle.

Fnally,  I want to say that Kennedy's growth is very similar to mine and that's why I connect with her so well .  I know what she's thinking and how she feels.  I really hope that anyone who reads this feels a connection also and is brave enough to admit to themselves that they need help.  I was so afraid to ask for help but once I did,  it changed my life.  Depression is something that can be fought and it's something that doesn't have to ruin your life.  You have control over your own life.  Don't let anything or anyone change that about you 🤍