CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR:
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE GONE

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THE HUMAN HEART WAS not made to feel such sorrow.

A lot had changed for Haven Murphy in the two months she spent mourning her lost friends. Grief was all-consuming for someone like her. It grew and it grew in the darkest pieces of her body, like a scab picked from a wound until nothing but tender flesh remained, the first signs of healing put off at her own hand. All it would take for this loss to rear its ugly head was one wrong word, and boy were there a lot of wrong words to be found when walking on eggshells.

Haven spent the first three days locked in her bedroom where no one, not even JJ, could get through to her. But he refused to give in, even when Melinda claimed she could take care of it. He didn't believe her. He thought she was a little too wrapped up in Liam, or whatever his name was, as he moved his belongings into the Murphy household, despite only being with Melinda Maybank for a matter of weeks. They were just so 'in love' and he knew it killed Haven to hear their laughter, like her dad had never existed, like John B and Sarah were nothing but delinquent teenagers. So JJ chose to split his time between visiting Arden as she crashed on Pope's couch and sleeping in Haven's living room in the hopes she'd want to open up to him. She never did, but on nights where both their heads got too much to tolerate, she'd sneak out and sleep beside him on the pull-out, only allowing him to see just how much she was hurting. By the time JJ woke in the morning, she was back in her room refusing to speak to anyone.

It was clear Melinda was getting frustrated. She tried her best to be understanding, leaving meals at her daughter's door and even being nicer to JJ. She'd wake him up with breakfast, inquired about his day when he got home. Sometimes, they even drove to work together. Everyone, even Liam, knew it hurt her to look at him, but something had changed in that police tent. She was trying now, but trying wasn't always enough. So Liam stepped in. Haven had wanted to scream when he first approached her.

You're not him, she had thought furiously, her heart clenching as he expressed how sorry he was for her loss. So don't fucking bother.

But with every determined knock on her door, she felt herself cave a bit more. Part of her wanted to let him in, to hear what he had to say that was so different to what everyone else offered. The other part of her wanted to break something, to feel anything but this sadness. It was on the sixth day that she snapped, and the latter part of her won. Liam had come knocking with the news that Arden missed her, and something ruthless had festered in Haven's chest. She wrenched the door open, screaming the house down about how he couldn't possibly understand, and that he would never, ever be a part of her family.

"I lose everyone I love," she had sobbed as Melinda attempted to step in, her hands raised like she was approaching a wounded animal. "I just don't want to feel like this anymore."

By the seventh day, the Murphys were gone. JJ was the only one who chose to stay in Outer Banks, not wanting to leave Arden behind and Haven refused to see their friends no matter how much he brought it up. According to the rumours that circulated like wildfire, Haven Murphy had something to do with the death of Sheriff Peterkin, and she was running away before the police could catch her or before she could end up like John B Routledge and Sarah Cameron; two criminals at the bottom of the sea. Everyone knew it was absolute bullshit, but only a few people knew the cold, harsh truth.

Surprisingly, it was Liam's idea to visit Brazil, her father's homeland. He and Melinda hadn't been together for long. In fact, they only met because he was scouting out the Country Club the day that Arden and Haven intervened with Rafe and Topper beating the shit out of Pope (a long story he refused to explain despite Haven's suspicious questions.) But he remembered every detail Melinda shared with him since then. Haven wanting to see the place her father came from was one of them, and so he suggested it that same night she blew up at him. She'd locked herself in her room again, her back pressed against the door. She couldn't bring herself to move, even after the tears stopped. He'd seen her shadow through the crack of the frame, and so he'd sat down on the other side and whispered promises she couldn't resist.

"I'm never going to be your dad. I know that," he had sighed after several minutes of silence from her end. "And I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to give you what you and your mother deserve. So let me get you out of here, even for just a week. Before Outer Banks can kill you, too."

She hadn't said anything in response, but the next morning she came out to four plane tickets (an extra just in case JJ changed his mind) and asked him if his offer was still on the table. They were gone for two weeks, fourteen long days that felt like years. And the Haven Murphy who returned was an entirely different person.

Pope only saw her for a second before she rushed back to the protection of her home. She'd come to quit her job at his dad's store (which, if she was being honest, she'd known for a while wasn't anything permanent considering she barely showed up for her shifts towards the end of Summer break.) But the Haven he saw then was a total stranger. With her lips coated in a dark shade of red and a silver chain choker around her neck, she walked with confidence and a shadow of a smile on her face. He couldn't remember the last time she looked so happy. Maybe at Midsummers when he kissed her? But even the day they got together, she hadn't been like this.

That was the moment he knew it was over before it even began. He'd try and fool himself into thinking it was two weeks later, when Logan Eden Maybank came into the world earlier than expected and anger erupted like a violent volcano, but he knew when Haven Murphy paraded around town like a whole new person that she wasn't his to love anymore. Maybe, she never had been. She never did say she loved him back.

Had part of her already known they would go downhill so fast?

Before she knew it, five weeks had gone by in a blur. Soon, John B and Sarah were nothing but two new ghosts haunting her like her father. As every optimist would like to believe (and that included her new therapist, Maisie, paid for by Liam after a particularly bad night in Brazil she refused to get into) her grief had slowly stopped hitting her where it really hurt. The wound was scabbing over again, but the skin was ready to tear back open at a moment's notice. She had to be careful, but as it so happened, the inevitable could not be avoided.

There was something hidden in Arden Kim's darkest parts, too. Haven hadn't seen much of it herself, but from what JJ had described to her when she returned and finally allowed him to talk, Arden wasn't the same anymore. He couldn't remember the last time she had joked around and meant it. Not to mention she had pretty much moved in with Pope and taken over Haven's old job at Heyward's. And the premature birth of Logan Maybank definitely did not help with her own sorrows.

She was exhausted when JJ called Haven to the hospital. She and Liam had arrived together, their truce fresh enough that they made mere small talk as they rushed through the corridors of the Maternity Ward. Kie and Pope were sitting on one side of Arden and JJ on the other. A tiny baby girl was cradled to her chest, crying softly as her mother rocked her back and forth. For the first time in five weeks, Haven found a reason to smile and mean it. She reached for JJ's shoulder and squeezed gently.

"Congratulations, J," she murmured, so soft that her voice was barely audible.

But Arden had heard. And just like that, the final thread of friendship barely hanging on between Haven Murphy and Arden Kim was severed.

"Seriously?" Arden scoffed, prompting Haven's brows to furrow in confusion and slight uneasiness. Arden Kim had never gotten angry with her. Usually, Haven was witnessing her fury directed at others. She didn't understand what she had done wrong, but she would. "You have some fucking nerve, Haven."

"What's your problem?" she asked as everyone else also voiced their confusion. The only one that stayed quiet was Kie, like she knew this was coming sooner or later.

"My problem?" And the volcano exploded, the intensity in Arden's voice enough for Haven to step back and JJ to narrow his eyes. "You've been gone for weeks with no contact, and you think it's okay to show up like nothing has changed? How dare you congratulate JJ like I'm not even here. That's fucking low, even for you."

Now she saw it. Arden Kim was completely serious, no trace of her former self in sight. In some ways, Haven could relate, but this anger of Arden's was nothing like hers. "I didn't mean it that way," she protested, nails digging crescent moons into her palms as Arden threw her head back in a delirious laugh. Finally, Kie reached for her hand in warning but Arden just shook her away. "I didn't, I was just..."

"Trying to be someone you're not?" Arden's stare was nothing if not condescending as it took in Haven's attire like she was looking at a child playing dress up. "Does the lipstick and fishnets make you feel better about shutting us out, Murphy?"

"That's enough," JJ snapped, standing up and moving to block Haven from Arden's line of sight. He shook his head at her before turning to his cousin, a pained look in his eyes. This wasn't how he wanted this to go. "Havey, maybe it's better if you—"

"Go?" she finished for him. He nodded apologetically, but Haven didn't blame him. "It's okay. I was thinking the exact same thing."

She turned around, the silence deafening yet oh-so loud. She could feel Pope's longing stare on her back, JJ's sadness, Kie and Arden's burning rage. That wasn't just the day that she lost Arden, it was the day she lost the pogues, too.

That same ruthless monster twisted around in her gut. Arden claimed her new self was all an act, and maybe she was right. But Haven knew that with the way she was going, it wouldn't be long before Haven Murphy let the monster step out to kill the last pieces of her former self.

"You know what?" she said just before she could reach the door. "I might not have meant it at first, but I do now." Arden's eyes narrowed as Haven smiled at her, pretty but venomous. "Congratulations on your baby, JJ. You, Arden, can go fuck yourself."

Ignoring the girl's indignant screeches, Haven stuck up the one finger that would put all her feelings out in the world, then slammed the door shut and ran. Each step didn't feel fast enough. She could already feel the grief rushing back, like water on a beach, always returning to shore. Another pair of footsteps echoed after her own but she didn't slow down, not until she was freed of that wretched hospital and out in the late Summer sun.

"What the hell was that?" Pope Heyward exclaimed as he caught up to her. "Haven—"

Why did it have to be him that followed me? she thought with an aching heart. She hadn't been able to meet his eyes in that room, but she forced herself to now. He didn't look too different, but he wasn't the Pope she'd been falling for. Or maybe he was, and she wasn't the Haven he deserved.

"Pope, just go back inside," she insisted, but he ignored her.

"Why have you been avoiding us?" he sighed, chasing her eyes as they averted away. She couldn't do it, she didn't want to, but both of them knew it was coming. "Haven, please—"

"We're done, Pope. Whatever we had before, it's over."

She didn't stick around for his response. And this time, he didn't chase her. Pope Heyward was tired of wanting a girl who refused to settle, and Haven Murphy didn't blame him one bit.

Summer ended fast. None of the pogues reached out to her except JJ, despite Arden being very vocal about how she hated it. Nothing could tear him apart from the only family he had, not even her. Soon, she stopped pushing, just glaring at him every time she and Haven were forced into the same vicinity. It was almost comical, really. JJ was like a child of divorce caught between them, passed around on weekends or when the other was busy. She didn't know what it was, but JJ was the only one Haven felt remotely safe around, like she could be herself and she wouldn't lose everything. He never pushed her, never asked questions, not like Arden, Pope or Kie would have. Even when he felt like she was making a mistake, he kept an open mind. Like when she started dating Brec Buchanan, for example.

"Havey..." he had trailed off when the girl came home with a bashful smile and her head in the clouds. "Are you sure about this?"

"It's nothing serious," she insisted. "She's just nice to be around. Makes me happy."

JJ was still hesitant, but he couldn't deny that every time he saw his cousin and Brec together, another piece of the old Haven returned. He definitely thought she was searching for her old friendships in her new ones with Brec's friends, Alison Carter and Leonie Schneider, but Brec herself... Even if she wasn't serious then, she had the potential to be one day.

On the day that school commenced, Haven was woken by Brec, Alison and Leonie barging their way into her room. JJ had chosen to stay the night at the Chateau, which he and Arden had moved into a week after Logan was born. But on nights where it got to be too much, whether it was Arden pestering him or their screaming infant giving him a headache, he'd come and crash on the Murphy couch. This meant the house was empty, with Melinda having an early shift at the Country Club and Liam agreeing to watch Logan while her parents were at school, though they must've left the door unlocked for Haven's new friends to let themselves in.

"What do you want?" she groaned as Leonie jumped onto the end of her bed and Alison ripped the curtains open to let the sunlight in. She let out a hiss as her eyes burned, rolling over only to come face-to-face with Leonie as she flopped back onto the pillow beside her dramatically.

"Haven, if we have to be up at the ass crack of dawn, so do you," she insisted, poking at the girl's side when she just huffed and attempted to turn away. "Hey, don't look away from me."

"Someone shut her up," she grumbled, her voice muffled from where she pushed her face into her pillow.

Brec and Alison laughed as Leonie let out an offended gasp. Brec wandered over to sit at Haven's side as Leonie stood up to check out some of the photos pinned beneath Haven's window. Her eyes lingered on a picture of her and Sarah before meeting Alison's knowing ones.

It was only in this past month that they had really gotten close to Haven. Alison had attended the Kook Academy with her before transferring to Kildare County High School when her mum got sick and all their extra cash went to medical bills rather than a ridiculously expensive education she and her brother could receive in public school for far less money. They were in several classes together, but their friendship never went beyond sharing a cafeteria table sometimes or studying at the same desk in the library. Now, they spent pretty much all their time together when Haven wasn't with Brec or JJ. Alison was the one who took Haven shopping for her new look, who wanted to hunt down Arden Kim when she heard what the girl had said to Haven at the hospital. In fact, it was also Alison who helped pick out Haven's newest haircut she'd been rocking for the past week, a noticeable trim from her shoulder blades to just below her jaw.

Alison Carter was strong and quick-witted, and despite what she knew deep down as she and Leonie looked at Sarah Cameron's photograph, she deeply admired Haven Murphy as her friend.

Leonie, on the other hand, was the total opposite. Most of the time, she was the peace-maker, the equal middle ground of her trio — now quartet. But she had a temper and didn't hesitate to voice her opinion when she wanted to. Not that Haven knew this, but Leo was the only one who voiced her scepticism to Brec when the girl first started crushing on Haven Murphy. Leo knew what grief looked like. She'd spent the first fifteen years of her life being passed around from foster home to foster home before the Schneiders adopted her and brought her to Outer Banks. Leo Schneider knew grief like she knew herself, and she didn't want Brec to get her heart broken by someone who couldn't love her like she deserved. But she liked Haven. As reluctant as she was for a while, Haven was fun to be around, so Leo let her in but kept her at a distance, just knowing what was coming eventually.

Last but certainly not least was Brec Buchanan. As the youngest of five, she wasn't used to the attention. She was the child who could slip into the background while her three older brothers were busy getting scolded by their single mother and elder sister, who poured blood, sweat and tears into keeping them afloat. She was the one who got used to hand-me-downs, whether that was hand-me-down clothes or hand-me-down love. She knew Haven was hurting, nowhere close to healed but somewhere in between. And she knew Haven was clinging to something in her and her friends that reminded her of what she had before. As sweet and soft-hearted as she was, she wasn't stupid. But in mornings like those, with Haven's hair looking like a bird's nest but oh-so beautiful, and that smile she gave that Brec could almost believe was made just for her, she told herself she'd be okay with temporary love, at least for a little while.

"Come on, babe," she murmured as Haven slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Your mum is going to kill us if you're late on your first day."

It wasn't avoidable anymore. Summer had officially ended for Haven Murphy. It was time to let go of treasure hunts, ghosts and the dream she had conjured for herself to escape what was waiting right in front of her.