CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE:
THE KID-NAPPING MACHINE
(episode one: the gold)

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PRETTY QUICKLY, THE POGUES, Haven and Brec realised they had a problem. There were six of them, and five seats in Kie’s car. Arden’s first response was to kick out Haven and Brec, but after several minutes of pointless arguing that got them nowhere, JJ stepped in.

“I’ve already got us a ride, don’t you worry,” he told Arden, who gaped at him incredulously.

“How could you possibly have found a car to fit all of us?” she demanded. Haven was sceptical too but knew if there was anyone who could do the impossible, it was him.

“I said not to worry,” he waved her off with the confidence of a man who had no real idea what he was doing. “Just head over to The Wreck and I’ll meet you guys there in twenty.”

The next half an hour was beyond awkward without JJ there to buffer them. Haven and Brec mostly stuck to themselves, even going as far as to sit in a separate booth at The Wreck. Arden, Pope and Kie’s chatter was loud at the table over, Arden’s laughter just a bit too forced to be genuine as she watched for a reaction from Haven. It was a petty move, a low point, but it was the first time in months that they’d been together for so long. She wanted to test the waters, to see how tense the distance between them actually was. Haven could feel the line blurring as she and Brec scrolled through instagram on Brec’s phone. If it was a reaction Arden so desperately wanted, then Haven would hold out for as long as she could not to give her one, at least not the one she wished to see. Not like she had earlier.

Finally, as the sun slowly began to set, JJ returned. He came bounding into the restaurant out of nowhere, almost knocking into Kie’s dad as he went to serve a table of customers. “Sorry, Mr Carrera,” he exclaimed as he swiftly dodged the glowering man. “You should really watch where you’re going.”

“JJ, what are you doing? Are you trying to get us kicked out?” Arden sighed as he came to a stop between their tables.

“I’m just excited, Ardy! I’ve found us this perfect van--” he cut himself off with a frown, suddenly noticing the empty space by his friends that could've easily been taken up by Haven and Brec. “Wait, why aren’t you guys sitting together?”

“That doesn’t matter right now,” Kie quickly dismissed. “Why don’t you show us this van?”

That was enough to successfully distract him again. He smiled brightly, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet as he ushered everyone up and towards the doors. At first, Haven didn’t see it. JJ had taken to standing a few metres ahead of them on the sidewalk, his arms thrown out wide like he was the ringmaster at a circus. The others quickly lost their patience, Kie rolling her eyes as she snapped for him to point the van out.

“May I present to you,” he announced, lowering his voice a few octaves like he was speaking through a megaphone. “The Kid-Napping Machine!”

Haven genuinely hadn’t been sure what to expect from JJ, but a white van with tinted windows definitely wasn’t it. She stood in stunned silence for a moment, wide eyes locked on her cousin. He didn’t seem to notice their incredulous stares at first, but soon his smile wavered and he huffed to himself, defensive.

“What?” he asked. “Don’t you like it?”

Arden just pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes clenched shut like she was trying to fight off the urge to scream. “JJ Maybank, do not tell me you spent our money on this thing.”

“Okay,” he scoffed, mumbling a second later, “I won’t tell you.”

“Oh. My. God.”

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” he said. “I found us a ride that runs smoothly, and she was a good price―”

“Oh, so the van’s a she.” If Arden Kim was a cartoon character, she’d be one of the fuming ones, the little figures with a red face and steam blowing out of their ears. Haven had a feeling the only thing stopping her from blowing up was Haven and Brec’s presence. She kept looking over to them, her eyes darkening as she saw Brec’s confused smile and Haven smothering a smirk. Disbelief aside, JJ’s newest ride was incredibly amusing. What made it even more funny was his confusion. He genuinely hadn’t connected the dots yet. “Did the murderer who sold it to you tell you that?”

“I didn’t buy her from a murderer, Arden,” he frowned. “And please, don’t talk about her like that. She has feelings too.” That was enough to push her over the edge, her hands moving from her nose to her temples, fighting to rub away the headache that must’ve been forming the more time she spent talking to her boyfriend. JJ pouted and looked at the others, wanting to hear what they had to say. “What do you guys think? I’m sure with a little bit of paint, she’ll be good as new.”

“JJ…” Kie trailed off with uncertainty, sharing a look with Pope before continuing. “You realise what this looks like, right?”

His frown deepened. “What?”

“Well, you named it the kidnapping machine…”

“Yeah, the kid-napping machine,” he emphasised each word. “I thought it would be good for more than just stakeouts. Ard, we finally have a car for Logan―”

“Our child won’t be going anywhere near the dodgy van,” she exclaimed.

“She isn’t dodgy!”

“JJ,” Haven sighed. “The kidnapping van?”

“The kid-napping van,” he echoed.

“The kidnapping van,” she said, slower this time, waiting for him to finally catch on.

“The kid-napping van,” he murmured to himself, repeating it a couple times as the words went around and around in his head. Then all at once, his jaw dropped. “Oh, my god!”

“And he finally figures it out,” Arden scoffed, arms crossing over her chest. “You need to return it now.” At that, JJ looked sheepish. He nervously ran a hand through his hair, adjusting his cap back on his head under Arden’s steadily suspicious gaze. “JJ, please tell me we can return this monstrosity.”

“Heh, about that…”

“JJ…”

“I got it from my weed dealer!” he exclaimed defensively, scowling as the group simultaneously groaned. “He said no refunds.”

“Great. Fucking great,” Arden near shouted. “So you’ve blown all our money on a crackhead’s van and now we have to drive around town looking like wanted criminals.”

This time, Haven was unable to hide her smirk. “Oh, the irony.” 

It took a lot of convincing on JJ’s end, but after promising to give it a good coat of paint and to call it something other than the Kid-Napping Machine (JJ had immediately taken to The Mystery Machine but Arden still wasn’t convinced and frankly neither was Haven, she wanted nothing to do with the dollar store version of Scooby Doo) they eventually made it out onto the open road. Kie had insisted on driving much to JJ’s disappointment, leaving him stuck in the back with a glowering Haven, Brec and Arden as Pope had called dibs on the passenger seat. 

Well, this wasn’t awkward at all.

“Okay,” Haven said once they'd left The Wreck behind. “Remind me what our plan of action is.”

Pope spared her the briefest of glances in the rear-view mirror before saying, “Well, if this guy was flying planes for Ward, he’s gotta be pretty tight-lipped.”

JJ nodded to himself, reaching around beneath his seat before pulling out a familiar pistol and switching off the safety. “Then the direct approach gets my vote.”

“What the fuck?” Brec shouted at the same time as Arden sighed, “And to think you wanted to bring Logan back here.”

“JJ, we’re not doing that,” Pope scowled at the blonde. “Just put the gun down, man!”

But JJ wasn’t having their criticism. “We’ve gotta keep this simple, guys, or we’re never gonna get John B off.”

“Or we just tickle the wire…”

“What?” Kie frowned, unsure if she’d heard Pope right.

“We tickle the wire.” Upon noticing all their confused faces, he sighed. “I plant my phone in his car, and then we listen in on your airpods.” He held his phone out to Kie then, adjusting the earphones in his ears, “Say something.”

Affronted, Kie shot Arden a panicked look over her shoulder before saying the first thing she thought of. “Something?” 

Arden just smirked at her, glancing obviously between Kie and the airpods in Pope’s ears. “Well, would you look at that. Pope and Kie are having ear-wax babies.”

“That’s disgusting,” Kie scrunched up her nose at the thought. “Why would you say that?”

“I ship.”

“Please stop.”

Haven huffed and turned to look out the window, a strange feeling in her stomach. Not quite jealousy but definitely not happiness either. She’d always known that Pope used to like Kie, but never had she considered that Kie would feel the same, and that something could happen between them like it had with Haven and Pope. She squeezed Brec’s hand tighter as Pope laughed at the girls, clicking a few buttons on his phone before Kie’s voice echoed through the speakers.

“Something?”

“And we have audio!”

Not long after, they pulled up outside a house on the outskirts of both Figure Eight and The Cut. By no means was it fancy, but it was a whole lot nicer than a lot of the houses in Haven’s neighbourhood. It backed onto the marsh, the water just visible through cracks in the fence that lined either side of the white-brick building. JJ’s mystery van wheezed to a stop outside the driveway, the engine popping strangely as Kie switched it off.

Arden blinked before turning to glare at JJ. “Tell me, Mr Mechanic, was that a good sound?”

JJ just winced, telling her all she needed to know.

“Okay, I think this is his house,” Pope decided after a minute or two spent surveying the yard. Upon seeing the car parked under the awning, he removed his seat belt and got ready to make his approach. “Alright, honk or uh… or yell or something if you see anything suspicious.”

“You got it, boss,” Arden grinned.

But before Pope could open the van door, Kie had latched onto his wrist. “Don’t do anything dangerous,” she warned, to which he just scoffed and said, “Come on. I’m not JJ and Arden.”

Arden’s smile immediately dropped, prompting Haven to snicker and Arden to glare at her. Haven couldn’t bring herself to care, though, even as JJ sighed and looked between them reproachfully. She had to get this weird feeling out of her stomach, the twist of unjust bitterness. Kie had only made it worse by hesitating to let go of Pope. Why couldn’t she let go?

Nothing else was said as Pope grabbed his phone and began to sneak up the drive. He ducked down low, hiding behind the shrubs to ensure no one could see him from the pilot’s windows (Haven was pretty sure his name was Gavin but she’d never really met any of Ward Cameron’s lackeys before.) JJ watched him go before turning to smirk at Kie, leaning forward to poke her shoulder until she gave him her attention. 

“What?” she huffed as JJ just laughed.

“Don’t you love third-wheeling, Arden?” he asked with a knowing look at his girlfriend. Haven’s face suddenly dropped, something she quickly tried to cover as her grip on Brec only got tighter and tighter. Stop it, foolish heart. 

“Oh, yes,” Arden nodded earnestly. “It’s my favourite thing.”

“You guys are being stupid,” Kie insisted, and Haven had to agree. Why would JJ think it was a good idea to bring this up in a car with Pope’s ex-girlfriend, said ex-girlfriend’s current partner, and all their old friends?

“You know what?” Haven suddenly spoke as the teasing got too much to bear. They needed to move on from this. She needed to move on. “We should check out if this piece of shit’s horn even works―” At JJ’s indignant gasp, she paused to roll her eyes at him. “Don’t gasp at me, doofus. This thing looks ready to fall apart any second now.”

“For once, I agree with Haven,” Arden said, gesturing for Kie to press down on the wheel. “I swear to god, JJ, if this doesn’t work…”

“It will, I know it.” Clearly, he did not know, for he tensed instinctively, soon sighing to himself at the empty silence that followed Kie’s hand pushing down on the horn. “Okay, so maybe I don’t…”

“No kidding,” Arden almost screeched. “You are never buying us a car again, you hear me? I ban you.”

“You ban me?” he repeated incredulously, almost knocking Brec in the face with his arm as he whirled around to gape at Arden. “Whoa, sorry. Didn’t see you there, Brec the Cannon.”

Both Haven and Arden instinctively turn to each other, their expressions matching in their disbelief, before realisation seemed to hit them. Arden was the first to look away, instead just shaking her head at JJ as he smiled happily to himself. “What did you just call her?”

“Brec the Cannon,” he shrugged. “You know, ‘cause her last name is Buchanan, like boo-cannon―”

“I know what her last name is, JJ, but that’s not a nickname for it,” she argued as Brec just looked between them, her head turning back and forth like she was watching a tennis game unfold. She hadn’t said much since they left The Wreck, but she was awfully invested in observing how they all interacted, learning who played what role amongst the group. She’d never tell Haven, but she still fit in effortlessly, even when she didn’t want to. 

Speaking of Haven, she could feel her patience wearing thin with every moment JJ and Arden spent bickering. She definitely hadn’t missed this in her time away. “Can we please just focus on the matter at hand? Pope’s literally breaking into somebody’s car right now. Let’s talk about that.”

“You are so right, Havey,” JJ agreed, but Haven wasn’t sure he’d even heard what she said. Instead, he latched onto the mention of Pope and blindly turned to Kie. “So… how’s it been going, you know, with Pope and all?”

Kie just shrugged, not even looking over her shoulder at them as she said, “It’s good.”

Haven sighed and sunk back in her chair. This was not what she meant when she told JJ to focus on Pope. If it wouldn’t have blown their cover, she definitely would’ve upped and left that van the moment JJ called her girlfriend a frigging cannon. Screw John B and Sarah, she was sick of having Pope’s new romance rubbed in her face.

Then again, maybe this was karma. She hadn’t exactly been subtle with Brec. She didn’t think it would matter, really. But if this was what Pope had felt seeing them together for the first time… well, maybe she owed him an apology. Kie and Pope being together in any way hurt, a lot more than Haven would have liked to admit. It wasn’t jealousy… it couldn’t be jealousy. She had Brec.

“So… in the bedroom,” JJ began. “Is he, like, kinda freaky… ‘cause it’s Pope, you know?”

Okay, so maybe, just maybe, Haven Murphy was the teeniest bit jealous. Not of Pope and Kie; she wouldn’t be sad because her ex found happiness, especially since she had Brec literally holding her hand as JJ thoughtlessly asked about Pope’s sex life. She really didn’t know how to explain it, but it felt like an anchor had been tied onto her heart, pulling it down, down, down to where her stomach resided. She was all out of place, forced to adapt to what was inevitably changing.

But wasn’t that what she’d wanted by letting Pope go? She had a new look, a new group of friends, a somewhat stable home. She was tired of feeling hollowed out, like the puppet caught on a string.

“Why are you asking?” Kie asked JJ with the slightest of smiles on her face. Haven turned away then, her eyes meeting Brec’s as the girl just stared at her, watching for something, anything that would help her gauge how Haven was feeling. The Murphy girl smiled painfully, and Brec slowly looked away. Haven couldn’t tell if she’d convinced her or not.

“I don’t know. Just kinda curious. Just spitballing here.”

“You don’t need to spitball,” Kie grumbled. “We could sit in silence.”

“Look, ranking-wise―”

“Oh, you’re still asking?”

“Yeah, I was just curious―”

“Oh, you’re still curious?”

“I-Is John B better?” he stammered.

Kie’s face dropped. “What!?”

“Jesus christ,” Arden muttered to herself. “JJ, what is wrong with you? Is our own sex life that disappointing that you’ve got to annoy our friends?”

JJ’s eyes widened; in terror or denial, Haven couldn’t be sure. “N-No, I didn’t―”

“Didn’t what?” Haven raised a brow at him. “Think? Yeah, we know. We’re sitting in the Kid-Napping Machine.”

“I thought we agreed not to call it that!”

Fortunately, Pope arrived at the perfect time, the car falling silent as he opened the door. “Okay, phase one is complete,” he announced with a victorious grin, though the look quickly faded as everyone stared at him uncomfortably, like little kids who were caught doing something they shouldn’t have been. He glanced at each of them, eventually turning to Brec as all his friends and Haven refused to meet his eyes. Funny how his ex’s girlfriend was the only reasonable one there. “Is everything all good?”

“Oh, it’s grand,” Arden chuckled. “We're just trading war stories about our sex lives.”

“War stories?” JJ exclaimed in outrage. “Am I that bad?”

Yeah, Haven was so done.

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A/N: Credit for the idea of the Kid-Napping Van goes to KallMeKris on Tiktok. She's a total genius, and Lou and I couldn't resist including this idea of her's when brainstorming Haven and Arden. Let us know what you think of it :)