Author: Hey there, folks! Welcome back to Luigi's Stoopid Mansion!...

Mansion: Boy, do we have a show for you tonight!

E.Gadd: Well that's good. I didn't pay the price of admission for a lousy song and dance.

Author: U-Uhh...

King Boo: HEY! YOU TAKE WHATEVER YOU'RE GIVEN, FLESHFACE!!

Neville: Well we were forced to come to this place! Nobody even asked us if WE wanted admission!

Mansion: EVERYONE WANTS ADMISSION TO THE OH GREAT AND POWERFUL MANSION! ...Okay, punk??

...
In the fortuneteller's room, we get back to the previous segment of Flirting with Fortuntellers™️.
Luigi crossed his arms skeptically and studied Clair for a moment. "Hmm... I don't know. I've never really danced at a ball before. Especially not with someone so... drop dead gorgeous."
Mappy puked in his pocket again at his bad pun, leaving us to wonder what map puke looks like.
Don't worry, Luigi can wash clothes later. *wink*
"Pardon me, ball?? What ball?!" Mappy yelled.
"The one happening across the hall in 12 seconds," Clair replied. "I would ask you to put on a suit, but you look mighty fine in whatever you're wearing." She raised her eyebrows at Luigi.
"And you look mighty fine in your face rags," Luigi replied. Behind his hand, he whispered, "Am I selling it?"
Clairvoya groaned. "More or less." Then, loud enough for the audience to hear, she announced, "So then you're coming!"
Luigi made another skeptical face. "Yeah, well, I can give it a try; but I'm warning you I have some pretty lethal dance moves. What will they be playing?" He offered an arm to Clair, got confused when she told him to move around to the other side, and had to be shoved into place. They linked arms and headed for the door, with it being very obvious Luigi had never done this before.
So basically they looked like a kindergartener taking a deceased grandmother to the dance.
"I'm quite proficient at the Tango and the Polka," Luigi was saying as they headed into the hall. "And of course there's always interpretive dance!"
"That's nice, but it's going to be a formal ball," Clair informed him.
"Oh, so a Ballet," Luigi said. "Gotcha."
Clair groaned.
Mappy sat incredulously in his pocket. "Uh, Luigi? What are you doing? We have work to do!"
"Mappy, it's always an appropriate time to dance," Luigi chided.
"Look, we can discuss that later... when you're NOT holding hands with one of the resident ghosts!!"
"Nonsense, Mappy. She's just leading me somewhere."
"Hey, if this is going to work out, you're going to need to tell your friend to shut up," Clair informed him.
So Mappy growled as Luigi, swept up in a whim of fantasy romance, ran off with the woman.
(For the first time in his life, I might add.)

Toad: Somehow I always pictured it would turn out just like this.

Luigi: ...Are you insulting my fantasy?

But need I remind you this is a STOOPID fantasy, and therefore there is only one way we can do this.

*FLASHY NEWS LOGO!*

Welcome one and all to the Boo Woods Nightly Haunted Ball! Booscaster reporting live from Luigi's Mansion, joined by my co-anchor Boogie from the scenic ballroom! What's it look like down there, Boog?

Boogie: Well Booscaster, it's a swarming gala of ghosts tonight as everyone is coming out to see the promised Lady Whirlinda and Lord Whirlind perform their winning 1953 performance from Dancing with the Stars! The ballroom is lit and the guests keep coming — oh look, it's the Five Shy Ghouls! (What the heck are those spears for??) There we have the Blue Twirlers, known for their reckless style! Wonder what kind of mad moves they'll bust out this time?

Booscaster: Fascinating, looks like a good turnout! I've had reports that we might expect a special guest tonight, any thoughts on the big arrival?

Boogie: Well, I know there was talk of postponing the ball due to backlash from security over potential intruders and/or abductions, but luckily the Oh Great And Powerful Mansion said 'The show must go on!' So if I'd make a guess, I'd say we could be expecting a potential assassin, Booscaster.

Booscaster: And it looks like a new arrival is coming in now! Who is this?

Boogie: Who is this?... Who is this? ...Oh! Ladies and gentleboos, it's the one and only, Madame Clairvoya! Looks like she brought a dingy dance partner — a little on the living side! How about that?

Booscaster: Uh yes Boogie... is that a weaponized vacuum??

Boogie*holding mic to Madame Clairvoya*: Madame, your thoughts on the potential danger to tonight's ball?

Madame Clairvoya: All lies. Fake news. (...for me.)

Boogie: Was that a prophecy?

Madame Clairvoya: All right, back off! The future is not yours to know! ...Impossible newspeople. I'm glad I didn't grow up in the 21st century!

Boogie: Madame, can we get a quote?

Madame Clairvoya: May destiny choose all your paths, and... you know the rest.

Boogie: And there you have it, Madame Clairvoya herself!

Booscaster: It's looking like a clear night for partying in the Mansion so far! We'll be right back with the Boo Woods Nightly Ball after these messages.

*END OF SEGMENT*

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

The huge ballroom turned out to be an open door right across from Clair's room, which Luigi was surprised to find. The place was hopping with already-bopping ghosts, primarily little ones who looked like shy guys in masks and hoods. They could have been more intimidating with chainsaws, but the sharp tridents they carried would have to do.
Anyway, Luigi didn't care when he got there because he was already singing his next musical. "For hours I've roamed these empty halls! Why have a ballroom with no balls!?" He broke away from Clair and went sliding across the hard floor.
Clairvoya had never been more grateful for commercial break. "I wish I was dead," she stated, before realizing.
Luigi stood up. "What, you don't like Frozen?"
Clair crossed her arms and floated over while some of the ghosts stared. "Luigi, Honey, I was born 400 years too early for Frozen. I don't even know what it is."
He frowned. "But I thought you could see the future."
She whispered, "No, not really. I only know what's on the script. Don't tell."
Luigi shrugged. "At least you know that! I have NO idea what I'm doing!"
"I know what you're doing," she replied, placing her hands on his shoulders. "You're trying to rescue your brother who's kind of a jerk but much more heroic than you from the clutches of my fellow ghosts by brutally murdering them with that machine on your back. All while trying to stay alive and sane and hoping that Mario does the same."
"Woah, you're good," Luigi gaped. "Then you know about Mansion? And the old dude?"
"Far more than I could ever wish to," Clair said flatly.
"So then you know that Mansion is mine," he said.
She looked concerned. "Uhh... not really. I hate to tell you this, but the contest was all just a ruse."

King Boo: Lol.

TC #1: Hey yeah, I've been wondering. Who does the Mansion actually belong to?

Toad: It's Nintendo real estate.

(www.NintendoRealty.com. *a fictional thing that would make a really awesome website.*)

E.Gadd: Ugh, do we have to establish this again?? I already told you I've been researching there, so it's my property! Theoretically, it's also on my property...

Luigi: Well there's some fine print for you!

King Boo: Really, I'd love to see your deed.

TC #2: *in boredom* Listening to various old dudes argue about property is so entertaining!

Luigi: I've got a winnings notice and a talking map to prove it! Besides, my ownership of the place is clearly laid out in the title!!

Clairvoya: Luigi honey, I told you that was a trap. And the game title is more of a... ideology than a fact. They have to call it that.

Luigi: IDEOLOGY?? I get it, you're all just against me because I get my own game!

Toad: Technically, isn't it Mansion's game, since he's the actual titular character?

King Boo: Oh, it's a game alright, and I can tell you that you're all playing it.

Mario: I can't believe you people are fighting over this hellhole.

Author: Shutup, Mario! *yanks out packing tape*

Mansion: THAT'S ENOUGH!! I think you all gave up the rights to life when you stepped on my property!! ...I BELONG TO NO ONE, FOOLS!

Aaaanyway.
Luigi was offended. "I don't believe you!"
"Luigi, I have my own room in the Mansion. Where's yours?" Clairvoya asked.
He frowned and crossed his arms, turning away like a huffy third grader.
Clairvoya hovered over him. "Luigi, I'm telling you—
"Yeah, well why are you even chumming with me anyway? What if Mappy's right and you are evil?"
"Luigi, it's far too late to turn sensible," she reasoned. "If you'd just let the plot progress I will help you."
"Are we gonna dance or what?" he yapped at her.
By now everyone in the vicinity was staring at them. "Who's the weird sheet lady and her janitor?" a shy ghoul asked.
Before they could resolve that argument, the doors busted open and two little ghost boys stormed the ballroom, riding broomsticks and wearing ten-gallon hats.
"ROOTIN' TOOTIN, READY FER SHOOTIN!!" They hollered. "HEY ADULTS! HOWS ABOUT WE GET THIS HOOTENANNY STARTED??!"
The refined ballgoers (aka the masked spear guys and fat ghosts) stared as the boys let themselves into the middle of everything, promptly wrecking the gramophone that was playing Vivaldi.
Out of nowhere loud music started playing 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia'.
(Mild language, discretion.)

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

"HAHA!! WE HAVE NO MOTHER TO CONTROL US NOW!!" Orville shouted. "Thanks, Green cowboy man!"
While Clair and some of the other ghosts glanced at him, Luigi stated, "I don't think your mother ever actually controlled you, but you're welcome."
"AIGHT EVERYBODY! LETS DANCE!!"
A giant explosion of smoke transformed the ballroom, promptly turning the place into a makeshift barn. People spontaneously started grooving like it was a Wild West equivalent of a dorm party.

Clairvoya nodded. "Well, that's our cue." She grabbed Luigi's hand and yanked him up for the square dance, overestimated how heavy he was, and sent him flinging up into the ceiling.
"Oh I'm so sorry, sweetie," she said, too dramatically to even sell it.
"Mmmff," Luigi groaned from the ceiling. Then his body suddenly unpeeled and he came crashing right down into Clairvoya's arms. There was an awkward moment of silence as Luigi laughed nervously and they stared at each other. Then Clair shook her eyebrows at him.
"Well, I guess this is my destiny," he shrugged. "...You wanna put me down?"
"Why would I want to do that?" she asked, but when the audience groaned in disgust, she did. Then Luigi took the floor, for once like an actual awesome person who knew what he was doing, and spun her around to lead the ghost in a... kind of dance.
The shy ghouls were swinging their spears around and taking turns ducking under them, occasionally slicing off the top of someone's hood. Blue twirlers were also there, which were gigantic fat ghosts who danced by slamming their weight down on the floor and causing the place to thump. In fact, Mansion was shaking pretty bad. Then they also started doing that arm move from the 70s.
And for a minute or two, the party was a huge success of happiness in Luigi's Stoopid Mansion.

ELSEWHERE....

Mario frowned and looked up from his unspecified place. "The heq?" Unimpressed, he turned to his unknown captor. "Hey Your Worshipfulness, you call this a vacation home? Your house is having indigestion."
Secret Captor turned and glanced around. "Ughh, it's those idiots with their nightly ball again. Every day we have to party like it's 1699."
Mario frowned. "Oh you've got to be kidding me. LUIGI!! CUT OUT THE SWING DANCING AND GET OVER HERE AND RESCUE ME!!" he hollered.
Secret Captor grinned. "Nice try, Mario. But no one, especially not a lean green fool, can resist the power of interpretive dance."
Mario crossed his arms. "Okay, you may be right. But no one's allowed to call Luigi a fool but me, capiche?"
"Well, I'm afraid we'll have to agree to disagree, my slave."
Mario frowned again. "Jerkface."
"What was that??"
"Nothing!"
"Nice try again, Mario. Now you get 10 minutes of the tickling rod!"
The human jolted. "NO PLEASE NO!!"
"Kevin, fetch the rod," Unknown Captor said. Kevin was suddenly there.
"But I'm the coffee maker—
"NOW!!"
"FETCHING!!" Kevin hollered.
Booripedes, a Boo randomly chilling near the wall, spoke up. "It may seem like a joke, but it's no laughing matter! It's a genuine torture method used to traumatize."
I hope that makes you all feel bad about how long you waste scanning the furniture when you're playing Luigi's Mansion™️.

Booscaster: We interrupt this torture session to give an update on the live ball. Boogie, how's it looking down there?

Boogie *doing that arm move from the 70s*: Woo!! SHAKE IT BABY!!!—...Oh, are we on? Uh, sorry, sorry. Yes, things have taken a sudden turn for the hillbilly down here as a drastic music change caused massive upset! Ghosts are grooving to the hippest hoedown hits of the... 20th century, I think. I'm not familiar with the last few centuries. Let's listen in!

Henry *grabbing mic*: IT'S REDNECK!!

Boogie: Who are you??

Henry: Johnny the fiddler who fiddles in hell.

Luigi, seeing the live newscast, stopped in the middle of the floor and listened in. "...We're in Hell?" he asked. "What does that make the ballroom?"
"Georgia, I guess," Clairvoya said, standing next to him.
Before anyone could make an aggressively protective comment about Georgia, the ballroom doors suddenly opened again by themselves, magic sparkles swirling around them like they probably did in Cinderella. The pair turned to look, but most of the other hootenanners weren't paying attention.

Boogie: Oh, it's finally time, folks! Looks like the starring pair of the night have arrived! Ladies and gentlemen, put your stubs together for —

*hysterical screaming* *crashing glass*

Boogie: AAHH!! STRANGER DANGER!! RUN AWAY!!

Booscaster: Uhh, what's that? Hello? ...Well, looks like my co-anchor is having some trouble down in the ballroom. We'll check in on them later. Thanks for watching, folks! For now, this is Booscaster from the Boo Woods News Crew, signing off.

*END OF SEGMENT*

The ghostly chaos of the hootenanny carried on like oblivious politicians as a well-dressed ghost man and woman entered the ballroom. She was in a great green gown and he was in a red suit top with no pants that left his mermaid tail naked.
Luigi commented aloud, "I think it's generally indecent to show up without pants to a ball."
No one heard him but Clairvoya, who did not reply.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"The Floating Whirlindas. Champions at the slow dance, show up every night to show off. They didn't used to float, but now because of it they can't compete on television anymore."
"That's a tragedy. I hope I never die," Luigi replied.
The couple was now frozen in the doorway, staring at the ballroom hootenanny in horror like it'd just ruined their chances on Broadway. Ghosts were swinging from chandeliers, stomping the floor, and tipping ten-gallon hats.
The look on the woman's face was surely a much greater anguish than whatever it was before the death she had suffered. "WHAT, ARE YOU DOING, IN MY BALLROOM??!" she shouted.
Luigi screamed briefly in terror at the Shrek reference.
Everything froze in an instant. Even the music had frozen, which was impressive because you can't freeze sound.
Then the news anchor boo in the bow tie shrieked and threw his microphone out the window. "ABANDON SHIP!!"
Ghosts started idiotically crashing into each other in a mad dash to get out as the Whirlinda lady started forward. It was pathetic, because she wasn't very scary in the right lighting.
At that moment the lights in the ballroom went completely dark.
"AAAHHAHHH!!" Luigi shrieked.
The couple stopped before them, since Madame Clairvoya was still on Luigi's arm. "You! What have you done to the ballroom??"
"Uh, uhm, Uh..."
"I'll have you know it was no fault of ours," Clair said. "It was Lydia's boys."
"Oh, really?"
"Really really," Clair replied. Luigi stifled a scream and shied away from Clairvoya at her inadvertent Shrek reference.
Lady Whirlinda growled and turned back to her dance partner/possible husband. "I guess it's to be expected," she said. "Of course, Lydia spends so much time swooning in the mirror you can hardly tell they weren't raised in a barn."
Luigi and Clair glanced at each other.
"But nevertheless! We came for our nightly dance competition, and that's what we're going to get!" she demanded.
By now everyone else had cleared out the ballroom, making it slightly scary.
"No," Mappy said.
Luigi grabbed Clairvoya's hand and yanked her forward. "I accept!"
The ghosts gave a creepy smile.
"BUTT!" Luigi added. "If I win, I get to vacuum."
More silence.
Then the man nodded. "Agreed. You won't be any competition for this!" Suddenly, the pair floated upwards and began to sparkle like magic princesses, spinning around each other. Then they vanished.
Clairvoya was surprised. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
Luigi grinned. "For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I'm doing. It's called a hussle, sweetheart."
At that moment Mansion spoke up. "And surely you'll agree that I should pick the music," he declared. "You know the rules!"
And then the Rickroll happened.

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]

Clair threw up her arms. "Oh no. Luigi IS a stranger to love. I give up."
"No Clair, NEVER give it up," Luigi corrected.
"MUAHAHAHAHA!!" Mansion thundered as lightning crashed outside.
Luigi grabbed her arm and swung her down near the floor shockingly fast. "You, me, and Rick Astley," he demanded.