Flytrap by M. Parkers (MaskedParkers)

1 | Root (Chapter Title)
Crime Mystery | Gotham (Genre)
Adjusting to a new life (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 8.24.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Crime Novel)
- clear time period (Alternative Universe)
- clear MC (check: Barbra Gordon / Batgirl)
- few characters introduced (quite a few: MC, father, Pamela)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

I don't read blurbs, I just dive in. I'm glad I did this here also. I've been a fan of comic books, and by comic books, I mean the Saturday morning cartoon version of comic books. 😉 But this is an oldie but a goodie with regards to a story. Good ole Gotham city. I will to say that I'm glad you made it your own. You have just enough of the familiar and more than enough of your own original spin to keep us guessing.

Your strong-points has to be your ability to capture the moment. It's not forced or phony. The reader will understand the character's emotion, maybe even before the character does. We get the apprehension, the build up, and then the boom, in your face twist that leaves our jaws hanging. Very nicely done.

But a critique is not a critique unless it mentions the good with the bad. I've addressed some pattern concerns in the inline comments. If you agree with them, then great. If not, then that's fine as well. Another issue I see is Chekhov's gun. Chekhov's gun states that ANYTHING mentioned (especially more than once) must tie into the plot. In real life, we can talk about things, notice things, in passing. Not in books. In books, the reader is trying to retain everything they read and if something is mentioned and described but not addressed at a later date, there might be frustration. The last thing that concerns me is the plot focus. You do a great job in making the characters distinct. Their personality truly shines right off the screen. I love how determined Barbra is. She wants to be independent despite her life-changing injury that landed her in a wheelchair.

However, what does Barbra want? I could not answer that by the end of chapter 1. What is it that she's overcoming? At times, I felt like it was hinted. But it was JUST there on the edge but never really jumped out at me. Therefore, I'm going to boldly make a suggestion. Before I do, know that I don't want to infringe on any author's voice. In fact, I'm vehemently against it. So when I make this suggestion, please take it lightly. Here goes: I think the story should have started with the meeting. I think it should have been her trying to grapple with what's happened to her and then this bigger slap in the face. I think she should have studied this newcomer in the greatest detail, trying to figure out who she was and WHY she was here. I think she should have gone into that house feeling wrecked by how they'd botched all this. The way it ended is fine. In fact, the entire scene there was fine, but THAT was where all the action was. And it doesn't have to be 'action packed' but it did feel like rather than the train intro which may or may not turn into something problematic for other reasons, she should feel helpless and injured yet again here.

That's just my two cents. I know no matter what you decide, you've got the skill to pull it off. I love that you explore this character. I hadn't read anything from her POV before and it was a great experience. I really hope my critique doesn't make you doubt your skill because I think you'll notice that I never put that into question here. I think we all know, you've got this.

(end) If this critique was at all useful, please give a shout out and check out the FIRST DATES chapter. Thanks.

P.S. I'm a small time book cover wanna be designer (no, I TOTALLY am not. hahaha but I do act like it on the internet) And although you didn't ask, I made you some. If I like a title idea, I just start going and can't stop. If you like any of them and want one, let me know and I'll link you to the google drive.

(Okay. The author doesn't need any of these covers so if anyone wants them, please PM me and I'll change out the title, author name and so on. :o)