Dream With Me by Jessica (Asroilu_16)

01: Everything Happens for a Reason (Chapter Title)
Teen Fiction | Romance (Genre)
Fate & Omens (Themes)
First Person Present (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌗🌚🌚🌚)(but increases at the end)

---------------- 9.06.2020 -----------

Hello

thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Teen Fiction | Romance)
- clear time period (Present)
- clear MC (check: Aurora)
- few characters introduced (few: Aurora, Caleb, Kelly)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event/ decision (yes, but it's not clearly stated)

Stories like these feel like the equivalent to the movies where you're screaming at the screen, "Don't look under the bed! Don't look under the b--oh damn. Why'd you have to look?" I suspect that's intentional but who knows.

Your opening line is amazing and it gives the MC's very positive spin on life despite her common sense telling her otherwise. Her statement of looking at the negative head on in hopes that there's something good on the other end of it is pretty admirable. It instantly had me liking her. But as the chapter progresses and her ennui takes center stage, I found myself pulling back.

Firstly, I wasn't sure if this was a college setting or a high school setting. Is there any way to clarify that? Or was that done with intention? Knowing the foundation before the climb is always helpful. I'm confused by her lack of intuition. There's no sense of 'stranger-danger' and in fact, she seems like a very lonely two-dimensional entity.

Despite her very wise way of thinking, she seems to have no spider-sense otherwise. Let me explain. If she's truly a loner, then she's going to be suspicious of cute guys taking way too much interest in her. If she's not a loner and getting approached is common, then she's good looking and has friends in abundance. No? Neither of those profiles seem to fit this character.

I found myself trying to pin down her personality. She's wise enough to think of life in a very mature way, yet not wise enough to see a possibly predator. The chapter ended in such a way that I felt she was in for the worst experience of her life. If that is not the tone you were after, you might have to revisit that ending (after getting a few second and third opinions, of course). If it was the tone then I'm not sure how I'd feel about following a character I must scream, "Get out of the house! Get out of the house!" at every few chapters before flipping a table in frustration.

As for the grammar, I did notice some pattern issues (the inability to let a spoken statement simply end) and issues with comma splices and dialogue tags. Both videos are available in this Manuscript Critique book if you'd like to see how to format dialogue and how to fix comma splices.

Other than that, the chapter has a lot of potential and I think for a younger reader (which I am not), then there might be no problem connecting with the MC right away.

You obviously care a great deal about your writing and it definitely shows! Keep it up!

(end) If you find this critique useful, please give it a shout out. Also, Please check out the FIRST DATES section of this book. Help the first dates out there!