Elyren By vinwintergreen

This story puts the O in originality. I've never seen anything exactly like it. It takes a lot of guts to lead with such a bold idea for a start and I admire that. We begin the story with (I assume)  an historian telling the reader about Elyren's death and consequently his birth. This person records history and is trying to separate facts from fiction. That is a pretty cool concept.

I usually avoid prologues but I thought to try it this time and it flowed well. It tied into chapter 1, too, which is the main concern with regards to a prologue. So I didn't feel thrown into a new story or a new direction as I often feel whenever I read a prologue then the first chapter. You will never really know how grateful I am for this ONE tiny detail.

As smooth and well-rounded as the transition was, there are still some consequences of this approach. Usually when someone narrates someone else's life, they are a part of it. They join the adventure and tell us about the hero and the misdeeds from their own perspective. This happens a lot with Arthurian stories. For example, Merlin narrates about Arthur, but Merlin is also THERE. And Merlin sees and accounts for many of it. Whatever he doesn't see and talks about, he still has a pretty close connection.

In this instance--in this story, that is not the case.

Since this historian/narrator, by his own admission, doesn't meet the hero for some years (14 years old) we end up with a story within...a story. It's akin to going to a movie to watch someone else...watch a movie. I hope that makes sense. This distance causes a disconnect that's hard to remedy. I often felt like parts of the story were missing. Mostly because it wasn't linear.

We don't start with the narration of Elyren's birth, but in fact his death, then mention of his birth, then mention of his teenage years, then back to his infancy, then back to his teenage years then back to his death again.

And as this is a High Fantasy story, there is perhaps 80% narration, and dialogue is scarce. As a personal preference, I like characters. I like following characters and getting to know them. I didn't feel like I got to know this character. If it's narration heavy and linear where I can follow him from cradle to his grave, then that's fine. But as it's currently written, I'm not flexible enough to appreciate the entire story in this non-linear, second-hand form.

To make matters worse, the story doesn't just focus on Elyren, but on various other entities using various other names that I cannot keep track of. So once I felt like I'd gotten used to some aspect, yet another name, entity, character, came my way and I couldn't keep with it all.

The world you've created is rich and full. Even the hint of the lore was amazing. I went in excited to immerse myself in it. However, I felt like I was pulled into an ocean of information and I nearly drown. I think rather than having us jump into the deep end, maybe we need to dip a toe in first, then a leg, then slowly work our way into this world. That is my humble opinion. 

Thank you for letting me read your story.

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