Jagged Line By sherwrites

One (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Good vs. Evil (Themes)
First Person Present (very consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.01.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Fantasy)
- clear time period (unknown)
- clear MC (Ellian)
- few characters introduced (few: Ellian, Adai, stranger)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes - Maybe)

Let me start by saying that other than a few instances of repetition, your prose is as smooth as they come. I never noticed the tense. Never. That's why when a word is repeated, it jumps out. Sometimes when I read (and I read a lot of chapters), I'm painfully aware of the POV. First person, Third, etc. etc. Not with you. With your writing, that fell away and it was proper immersion. I dare say that you write First Person Present the way many people WANT to write their chapters. I'm not a fan of the First Person POV and I don't recommend it because it's hard to maintain.

You pull it off. Well.

Description is your strong-point. And as I've mentioned immersion before, I do think your story can drag someone in rather fast.

But there's a limit to your superpower. As good as that strong-point is, it is also your kryptonite. Brevity doesn't have as good an impact within your story, especially when it's needed. You have a tense scene at the end. But imagine Morgan Freeman narrating your life. Then imagine Morgan Freeman (in the same languished lit) narrating a fight scene.

Yeah. It was like that.

The instances when you need it short and punchy and strong, it didn't come off like that. It still sounded drawn out and flowery.

Another issue is your lore. I wasn't able to understand the gist of it. I don't know if this is a consequence of your writing style or just that there isn't enough information, but I had a hard time taking in the lore and a harder time retaining it. Adai jokes about destroying the MC with other demons and they seem to hint that the MC is different but not that the MC is a demon, too. And then a stranger enters the picture and they have a scuffle. It seems to go from zero to sixty immediately with the threat of being killed. That sudden shift gave a whiplash effect since till that point, it was a very languished pace. Everything is painted in detail, so when 'action' comes, it's like a high-pitched sound from out of nowhere shattering glass. I didn't expect it and I had a hard time piecing it together. So rather than pique my interest, it made me want to sit down in a corner somewhere and close my eyes till all the pretty strobe lights stopped flashing.

Personally, I think the tone shifted and it shifted in a way that was jarring and maybe a bit forced.

Other than that, there were no glaring grammar or punctuation issues (beyond a couple comma splices). There's a lot of potential here. I feel like it's unfinished but maybe it's simply that I wasn't the right fit.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.