ENAMOURED By stefanie631

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Contemporary Romance (Genre)
Envy vs. Acceptance (Themes)
First Person Past(fairly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌚🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.03.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Contemporary Romance)
- clear time period (modern?)
- clear MC (Orabella)
- few characters introduced (few: Orabella, Aria, Lily, Dante)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (No)

I always let authors know that I am a lazy reader. I'm the laziest of the lazy you'll get. And I don't read blurbs so that makes me lazy AND impatient.

With that being said, let's focus on the good aspects first. You definitely know how to use the reader's five senses when you write. This is a talent, and it's one that'll take you far. Even if you feel that it comes rather easily to you, know that it doesn't come easily to everyone. Your transitions are also good. Despite using adverbs a lot, you still manage to provide the reader with good pacing. I think even with the habitual adverb and filter words here and there, a casual reader could enjoy themselves with your writing style. You were also able to paint the friends very well. It's good when an MC can share the spotlight with others, IMO. And you achieve just that here in the opening chapter.

But there is a consequence to sharing that spotlight and it's come to pass here. The others she focuses on are more interesting than she is. We get introduced to Aria and Dante right away. I kept expecting the MC to be burning with jealousy (why else would she focus so intensely on this couple). And although that might be a bit creepy, I'll be honest, I'm up for some creepy sometimes. I half expected her to be sneaking behind the house to the window to watch them in the throws, considering just how much she painted their PDA (public display of affection) early on.

Alas, that didn't happen.

Instead, the MC continued to give the spotlight away, not only to the couple but also to the other best friend, Lily who is the model.

Well, what about the MC? Aria and Dante are a cute couple, and Lily's a model? SO why aren't we following them around? They seem so much more interesting. Aria is out learning about life and love with Dante. Lily's probably out modeling. And Orabella? Our MC? What's she doing? She's taking a nap.

Now, as someone who loves a good nap, I can relate, but I don't know if having your MC sleep in the first chapter is a good strategy. A slow burn is fine, but each chapter serves a function.

Imagine each chapter like a mini book in and of itself.

Start with something interesting or a problem, the middle is about it getting worse or discovering a possible solution, and the end is a cliff-hanger to bring the reader on to the next chapter. The purpose of the first chapter is to set the stage for what's to come. It shows what the conflict is likely to be, and her 'oh crap' moment when the chapter ends.

Imagine this (and this isn't a real story): A watches her friends B and C constantly kissing, she gets it into her head that they are the perfect couple and if she wants what they have, she's gotta change to match them more, too. So she wants to see where a perfect guy like C hangs out. So she tails him, only to find he's cheating on B. Does she tell B? Does she confront C? Does she keep her mouth shut? Chapter ends.

Even though this isn't a real story, it does have all the makings of a typical first chapter.
- Something is presented
- then a problem is introduced
- then a consequence
- and finally, a possible solution (which can be introduced in chapter 2).

And you could dig deeper. A could confront C, he could surprise her with a selfie and threaten to say she's with him if she tells anyone he's a less than perfect boyfriend. Etc. etc. The possible solution she gets would be to convince her friend to like someone else, or get some distance.

As of now, I do not see any of these elements in your chapter. I don't know what to expect going forward. Will the MC look for love? Will their lives be in danger? Will there be a mafia war? Will she be trying to start over? What exactly can I expect from his book? The first chapter is meant to set the tone and give us a small hint of what's to come.

You have the skill to pull this off; that's not an issue.

I'd suggest you read one of your favorite books, just the first chapter. Read it again and again, that ONE first chapter, and ask yourself: What is the conflict? What is the consequence? What is the possible solution? What is the REAL solution? What's at stake for the character(s)?

You've got this.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

A fairy tale retelling (LynaForge)