Divided We Fall By GarethMottram

Chapter 1: Take a Hit (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
Respect & Acceptance(Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌚🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 10.31.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (High Fantasy)
- clear time period (Past, AU)
- clear MC (Will)
- few characters introduced (too many: Will, Bridge, Randal, Willa, Cook)
- tension / suspense (low)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

High fantasy is not my genre and depending on the target age, this might be even less of my genre. I say that to not absolve myself from responsibility for my words but to give you an out.

But, I am an adult with opposable thumbs so here we are.

It's important for an author to know what he's good at and use that to his advantage. I think you put that on display here in spades. We hit the ground running. You know how to catch the reader's attention and do a good job here by starting with a fight scene. The blows are vivid enough for us to follow it for the most part. I did get lost but I don't think that will be the case for everyone. But if someone else gets lost then you may have to consider clarifying some parts. The tone was good and the MC, though flawed, has enough fight in him to come out as a possible underdog.

At his side, he has Bridget, a no nonsense kitchen maid with her own set of skills. She, too, is far from perfect but has a lot of fight. Both are very relatable characters. With all that in mind, I wasn't sure why their fight scene impacted me so little.

The scene was painted well enough and the MCs were realistic. I think the problem is that a fight, as well as most scenes of heightened emotions, are hard to simply 'fall' into. It's good to have when they can be executed well, but still difficult to pull off. We have to care about the MC enough to feel each wince.

Imagine watching two 'curling' teams at the Olympics. If you are not a fan of curling or don't know who these people are and what's at stake, you can watch it in sick fascination to what they are doing, but you aren't going to give off those genuine groans of oh, so close or, yes! They got it! because simply put, you don't know them well enough. On the opposite end, if you know the sport, and the team, maybe even have a fan jersey, then you are emotionally involved and invested in EACH and every aspect of that game.

That's why at the Olympics, they have a short showcase to introduce a player. It highlights a bit of their life and what's at stake. Same for the other reality TV shows that are competitions. Small intro so you get to know them and care if they win or lose. That poor guy with the new baby, now you're interested in whether or not he fails. Etc. etc. Now in the curling highlight, you find out that Anton's mother's on her deathbed and her dying wish is to see her son win a gold medal. Now that little object sliding across the ice has more meaning! Come on, Anton! You mother's counting on you!

We, unfortunately, don't get that short showcase and/or highlight here. As we are going into this story raw and with no emotional attachment, the fight scene, while well written, doesn't have the same impact. Will tries to show off his wit throughout but most of it is so off topic that it cuts the tension dramatically.

If there is a monster about to eat them and a character screams, "I wonder if we taste like chicken to him!" it may or may not land. That is due largely in part to others around. Someone ELSE is screaming bloody murder or they are all running for their lives. But as Will is static most of the time, he has these quippy thoughts, instead of bringing a chuckle, they serve to undermine the tension as he is the sole responder to the suspense and he's not taking it seriously.

He doesn't believe, so we don't believe. There's a reason why those characters are usually comic relief, rarely the main character, and usually a bit stupid. Will stole a great deal of the believability of the scene.

Then there are the bad guys. I love that women play an equally menacing role. Perhaps that shouldn't be my focus or my takeaway but it was. I enjoyed seeing a diverse group of misfits. But there's a problem with that. They aren't really well-rounded. We have Bragg who hates Will...just cuz. A more impactful situation would be if he had valid reason for that hate. As it stands, Bragg hates Will because... because he's a coward? Is that really enough? If he's such a weakling or a coward, why would Bragg, someone who values honor to some degree, sully himself or his reputation taking on scum or those he found beneath him?

Over all, the piece wasn't difficult to read and other than a few comma splices, it appeared well-edited. For me, personally, I left the chapter feeling as much indifference as when I'd started. I wasn't sure why I should follow Will and Bridget around. Sure Bragg was a two-bit thug, but at least he was going places—he saw a perceived problem and took action. He's moving toward something. Will's passive nature, while not terrible, isn't the stuff of heroes. On top of that, the way he paused and mansplained his way through the scene here and there also served to make him come off preachy and far older than indicated.

For now, even though I'm glad we started with a bang, I do think we need a small showcase or highlight so we can cheer and wince and flinch with the character. Who is he? How old is he? What is he and why should we listen to his story?

It doesn't have to be long, but a little can go a long way.

P.S. I don't think the current cover does the story justice or reflects the writing quality well.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

LynaForge