Tsuki By LoganWolfrhamn94 LoganWolfrhamn94

Chapter 1: The Family (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
Hubris (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (surprisingly consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌝🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.01.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (High Fantasy)
- clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe)
- clear MC (I have no idea)
- few characters introduced (few: Kaito, Yomi, Kai, Priest Pardon)
- tension / suspense (high!)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

Well, let me apologize in advance for your TERRIBLE luck. I am LITERALLY (not millennial literally, but actual LITERALLY) the worst candidate to read your story. In fact, you couldn't be any more unlucky unless I was fresh off yet another divorce while partaking in your chapter.

That's the ONLY consolation. Now, since the divorces have stopped and most restraining orders against me have expired, let's jump right in.

How are you unlucky exactly? Oh, that's easy. I'm a purveyor of 'tough love,' I teach English, I speak Japanese, I do critiquing (requested or non-requested), and I'm tactless.

Again, I am quite LITERALLY the worst person you could have bumped into. But here we are. And today I've got time, son.

Let me start with the things I hated.

Usually, I do the soft lead in before the kick to the throat but actually, there is far more I liked than hated and that will make this go a lot faster.

The things I hated had to do with the editing process. I honestly was disappointed in the poor punctuation. Each time I really wanted to get swept up into the story, it'd just jump right out and I was back to critiquing (and editing) rather than reading for fun. You don't really know what Dialogue Tags are, I believe, nor do you know how to properly punctuate any/all dialogue. This is especially troubling because it's not a very difficult thing to learn. In fact, a quick search online could easily fix this. This says to me that you're kind of 'winging' it, writing wise. Which brings me to my second point of hatred...how well you pulled this off. Like...I never really understood the Tonya Harding crowbar to the kneecap thing till now. I really, REALLY wanted you to fail, but nope, you pulled this off.

Curse you.

The last thing I didn't enjoy was the comma splices. I feel that if I invest my hard-fought and highly valued (by myself) time, that I should be able to outright demand that all punctuation be pristine. I paid good non-money to read your chapter. I don't think it's too much to ask that you entertain me, make an epic story, pull off an epic battle scene, using the hardest POV (Third Person Omniscient) around, all while catering to my sensibilities by NOT scarring me with 'comma splices.'

Come on. Stop being so selfish.

Now. On to the things that stood out for me.

Twenty-four minutes? A 24-minute chapter on Wattpad? Are you out of your mind? Do you know how tough a sale that is? Huh? (sigh) What are you, like, writing for the love of the art? (spits). No. That's not how this works. No wonder you only have a few hundred reads and that story's gonna die at the bottom of the Wattpad ocean, unloved and feeding off of lost stragglers like myself who are neglectful and lazy, yet have half-decent taste.

Welcome.

On a more serious note, other the punctuation, there are a few unfortunate shortcomings (that I personally did not mind) which I'm VERY sure were unintentional on your part. As I mentioned in inline comments, sometimes the lore became a bit MUCH. I understand now why it's necessary (in your mind) because it helps with certain aspects of the story but with a story THIS big and with a chapter already THIS long, you're going to need to spread that fat out a bit more evenly. The intro is great and instantly engaging. Even the second chapter that I meant to 'skim' because I don't have time today, drew me in RIGHT away. So you have that talent on your side. But even if I'm eating the best, biggest, most delectable meal ever, swallowing it whole WILL choke me.

The first instance happened when the humans arrived. You got us into a 'oh crap' frenzy and it's about to go DOWN and then you PAUSE and smelt the roses and I was over here like, "Wait... did I miss something?" Well, did I? The second instance came during the final epic battle about Yomi and her demon (or lack thereof). Again, I know this was an important bit of information but I wondered if it couldn't have come sooner. I mean, I'd probably would have preferred less about their old people back-and-forth about 'those stinking humans' and maybe with her saying to prepare to fight and him reminding her she had no demon and the narration BRIEFLY telling us why. That way, when the time comes, we already know she's at a disadvantage.

Another concern I have is the hubris. I don't think that was the intent. In fact, I do think you'd meant for the reader to feel bad for these two. It will hurt to hear this, I know, but never had I wanted two people dead in fiction before. Like, if they hadn't died, you would have gotten a STRONGLY-WORDED email from me. And I don't even have your email address. THAT'S how badly I grew to dislike them. And it wasn't even a DISLIKE as it was a, "Oh no, these two have GOT to walk that plank."

Now. Here's the good thing. Even though I didn't like them in a traditional sense, and I wanted them deader than my cold, black heart, I also felt sympathy for them during the battle. I hadn't thought I would. But I did care what happened and I did care what became of them. No. I definitely wouldn't follow them in chapter 2 (shudder) but I still felt a LOT for them with how the story unfolded. I rooted for Yomi when she went Xena Warrior Princess, and I worried for Kaito when he got injured. That's talent. But I'm not sure that was your intent. I don't think it was.

If you'd like to fix their current image, I can make some suggestions. Now, keep in mind that I am not what is known on the street as a "success" so these are just my opinions, but.... How about a saboteur?

There are two ways you can do this.

NUMBER ONE
You can make it how you originally intended, Kaito's people wanting peace but finding the human inhospitable. For that, you'd need for Kaito to push for a peaceful resolution to their coming. Give them a TREATY with the humans. A treaty those stinking no-magicers break by showing up with force. You can even take away the hubris, and mention Yomi's non-demon power by Kaito being concerned that they could easily slaughter the humans, thus ushering conflict and taking innocent lives which he refuses to do. He wants to get through this unprovoked. He has them keep their men outside the gates, and they negotiate. SOMEONE lets them in? Now, this is do-able because they ended up with such great drawings of 'em, right? Could be a spy or someone unmentioned. Or just the humans and their dirty tricks.

NUMBER TWO
Something similar to the above. Kaito is compelled to let them in as they'd come and gone before with this much force without incident. Yomi still doesn't like it and gets herself armed. Kaito reminds her she's got no demon and she'll get everyone worked up. Yomi insists Kaito force them to remain outside (or even in as they may attack at a distance and having them in might give their demon better (faster) access to them). Either one is possible. A saboteur weakens their defenses and they are unprepared to defeat the humans. This way, this end was inevitable and Kaito and Yomi come off less TSTL (too stupid to live). Yes, this is actually a term, and no, I won't take that back.

If you decide to leave it as is, that is also fine, because I told you, I really enjoyed it and because they were so careless, I felt almost a sense of justice and cosmic karma when they got their comeuppance. But then again, I am kinda mean. So (shrug).

That being said, I don't really have any other concerns. And yes, the chapter is long but this is High Fantasy, it CANNOT be helped. I'd look into those 'excess' lore areas, though, because I nearly stopped reading and I'm glad I didn't. True fans of fantasy will love this and hopefully they'll find it with ease because it's a great gem. I really enjoyed the way your fight scenes unfolded.

I'd cut back on the Filter Words though. Also, you use Third Person Omniscient (I know you probably don't know what that is), however, I think you did a bang up job. It was very smooth and very seamless. I barely even noticed it. You didn't head-hop and that's hard to do in this type of POV.

Oh, oh. I'd be remiss not to mention the Cultural Appropriation. You're not Japanese. There is no way on God's green earth you have a character named Yomi and you'd be Japanese. Personally, I think you did all right. You might need to be more careful with names, though. But it's fantasy and I think people can loosen up a bit. With how tight the rest of the story was, I can't imagine someone really caring about it. Yumi is a typical Japanese name for a girl. Yomi...not so much. Yomi means "A world of ghosts." So it's not usually used as a name.

I will say with the heavy influence of Japanese and fantasy in this, I started to worry this was actually Fan Fiction disguised as High Fantasy which would mean I was getting excited about a story told a million times before by professionals. Booo. If I'm honest, I still worry, BUT it's a chance I'm willing to take.

So keep at it and I'll make my way through. I probably won't be as vocal in my engagement going forward, but that's mostly for time constraints. Ahh, one more thing I hate: your cover. It's about as bland and simple as they come. If I was truly artistic I'd try to make you one but I just don't have the talent. It's not bad to the point where it would turn me off as a reader, but it definitely didn't make me look twice. I only focused on it because of the word "Tsuki" which I recognized to be Japanese.

Hopefully you won't take this critique harshly but know that if you do, you are not the first (and not the last) to block me and I'll still just log out and read your story anyway. Hahahaha. Am I kidding? I'm not.

Muahahah!

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LynaForge