To Unite A Nation (Book 1) By Foodestroyer (Foodestroyer)

Chapter 1 🛡 Weird Books (Chapter Title)
High Fantasy (Genre)
Facades (Themes)
First Person Past ( consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌗🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.03.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (High Fantasy)
- clear time period (Unknown, Alternate Universe)
- clear MC (Unsure, Multiple POV)
- few characters introduced (few: Skyler, Kathryn, brother, parents, general Arhtur)
- tension / suspense (moderate)
- a life-changing event / decision (Unsure)

The more critiques I do, the less interested I've become in holding hands. You certainly don't need any hand-holding. I am actually more than sure you're in your teens and the fact that you've tackled such a HUGE idea for a book is pretty amazing.

My first encounter with you wasn't pleasant. I have (had) absolutely no reason to go into this book with any rose-colored glasses. So the fact that I instantly took a liking to the main character means this is about as unbiased a reaction as you can get.

From the very first two paragraphs, we get pulled into the MC's very complex mindset. I really enjoyed that about this book, despite some misgivings I have about it as a whole.

The MC, who I'd mistaken for a man, is very aware of herself and her world. She puts up excuses for the things she must do while in the same breath takes those excuses apart. At first I'd believed it was poor planning on your part, that you were shooting for something else other than this nuance, but now I'm very sure that this is just the way the story was MEANT to develop. This second guessing that she has does a lot to give this character life. Even at the end when I'd grown ambivalent towards her, there was no animosity. I could follow her to the very end of the book at this point, excusing any bouts of disappointment or elation towards her character. This is a great find. Usually we can't follow characters we don't like. I neither hated nor liked her by the end, but I RESPECTED her honest portrayal. She was flawed and vulnerable at the same time and I appreciated that complexity.

In this regard, this is a story that might go any way it wanted and I wouldn't mind. I'm not sure what your original aim was, but for me, this was a big plus.

Another thing I liked was the use of magic. I loved the limitations and that those limitations were clearly outlined. We could then go into a fight knowing how long the characters could last. We could also imagine the way battles may unfold. This makes it VERY easy to get swept up into the world.

Again, to see writing this good this young is pretty surprising. So while I do find your personality to be a bit abrasive, I have to admit that you have every right to stand proud because you DO have the skill. I also think that it's okay if you defend each and every aspect of this story, even the parts I will point out as inconsistent. You have a strong vision of what you want for this world and it's important to not lose sight of that.

The things that concern me, other than the data dumps which were frequent, bogging, and long, was the age of the characters. They were supposed to be adults and yet, they read VERY young. This is probably something that simply can't be avoided because as I've said, I suspect that you yourself are very young. Talks of romance fell flat to me but I honestly don't know that this book NEEDS it. Beyond some puppy love, it really can survive on its own with the current backstory, the war, and the magic, which is a lot to take in.

Most of the exposition in this story fit it well. When it remained in the here and now, it flowed smoothly and I welcomed it. But when it went back in time or off on a different course, I became frustrated with it. I do think you need a strict editor but I've got a feeling you don't want to cut anything and that sentiment won't change until you get old.

Overall, it was a smooth read despite the heavy history and it was well written. The characters were very believable and very distinct. If you continue on with it as is, you can still gather a strong (and serious) following for it, I think. It might be a bit too serious for some but know that it's not your failing but a simple fact that this genre isn't as popular on Wattpad as other places.

Any tweaks you might decide to make to it need not be big. A small SHIFTING of where information is introduced might be more than enough. Also, giving her someone to talk to might open up a smooth exchange that delivers much-needed info a bit more dynamically. As always, get some second or third opinions first.

You are going places and if this is how you START your writing career, I'm sure to see your name on bookshelves before long.

I'm sincerely happy I read your chapter. Other writers your age can learn a lot from you.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.

LynaForge