Revolving Lies and Unforeseeable Truth (Broken Pieces) By Kay (@ShishKayBob) ShishKayBob

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Thriller (Genre)
Family (Themes)
First Person Present (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌚🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.12.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre (Thriller)
- clear time period (Unknown, present?)
- clear MC (Ashley)
- few characters introduced (few: Ashley, Mason, Nesta, Mom, Dad)
- tension / suspense (moderate but often cut)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes)

The first thing that stands out for me is the bravery put into this chapter. The theme of this book is a huge undertaking and yet the author went at it full throated. The words 'hit the ground running' come to mind and the chapter certainly does that.

Let me start by letting you know that I skip prologues as a rule. Rarely do I go into a story from the prologue and even rarer that I visit the prologue after reading the first chapter. That being said, there was still a lot of ambition in this chapter.

We are introduced to the MC, Ashley. She comes from opulence and has a big heart. So much so that she even considers how fortunate she is and if another family wouldn't benefit more from her riches since she can't really appreciate it much.

This small bit of info really sets a good tone while giving us some deep insight into her personality. Soon after the start of this chapter, which appeared to be mostly buildup at first, boom, the ball gets rolling and man on man it does not stop.

I could easily picture a TV show as I read.

The fact that you weaved in description rather than stick it in clumps wasn't lost on me, either. That's a tremendous effort considering the scene itself and I think you definitely have the right idea in how to paint your chapter.

But "Six of one" and "Half dozen of the other" the same things that make your story shine also hold it back.

The first concern I have is the limited foreshadowing. This is apparent with the introduction of characters. Like a TV show they just 'show up' and join the fight. That's all well and good in a visual setting that can keep the audience's attention, but it can't always work well here in fiction. A character 'popping' out of nowhere is jarring, especially with no real explanation where they came from and what their purpose is.

Take Mason, or even Nesta. Neither of them are mentioned BEFORE their introduction. Because of this, it's very sudden that the story is on the way and they just pop into existence. For Mason, we don't even know she has a boyfriend (read the prologue!) well, if a prologue is so important that the story cannot go on without it, then it should be a first chapter instead.

A solution would be to foreshadow by perhaps mentioning Nesta when she describes the house and all who live in it. For Mason, maybe after she calls the police, she tries to call Mason but doesn't get through? That way when he arrives, we know he's coming.

Imagine that you are taking your friend to a party with other friends she doesn't yet know. On the drive there, don't you let her know who she might meet and what to expect from them??

The next concern (the main one) is the emotion that this first chapter demands. It was unexpected when things went off the way they did. I hadn't seen that coming and it really spiced the chapter up, but here's the thing...we don't know anyone. We don't know the MC, we don't know Nesta, we don't know her parents, we don't even know Mason. We CERTAINLY don't know Cassie. So when bad things start happening to them, we don't necessarily have enough emotion invested in them to react the way the author intended. The chapter opens with telling us more about the house than the people inside it. So when everything started falling apart, I lamented the two pools.

I'm sure you've watched reality shows where there's competition. What do they do before the big event? They tell us something about each person. That way, we can feel somewhat connected to them and therefore emotionally invested if they win or lose. If they are struggling with some personal problem and they lose, we feel bad for them. Should they win, we are glad, too. I think that's necessary here. Otherwise, the feelings of awe that should come, might not blossom but in fact fizzle.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.