The Clearing By Dee Jones @RogueWriter55 (RogueWriter55)

Chapter 1 (Chapter Title)
Fantasy (Genre)
Family (Themes)
Third Person Omniscient (somewhat consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)

---------------- 11.13.2020 -----------

Hello

Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.

- clear genre ( Fantasy)
- clear time period (Modern?)
- clear MC (Victor)
- few characters introduced (few: Lovedae, Victor, Craig, Police officer)
- tension / suspense (somewhat moderate)
- a life-changing event / decision (Yes)

This is my second time reading this story so it's interesting to see how it's changed. Since I'd originally read from Chapter 1 (the current Chapter 2) I went ahead and lightly reread Chapter 2, as well, to get a better feel for the introduction of the story.

In a technical sense, there aren't any glaring mistakes that need to be pointed out beyond some repetition. I'd suggest you try to avoid nearly ALL instances of 'was' as this is usually a plain statement and/or the passive voice which isn't very effective in fiction writing.

If I had a worry, it would be the repetition. It stood out, sometimes glaringly so. But a first draft (now a second draft, I think) has these types of troubles and it can't be helped. With a few tweaks, it's a rather easy fix.

I was surprised to see you back on my chopping block as I'd actually thought about your review now and then over the past few months, wondering if I'd been too blunt. In fact, I'm VERY certain...you have no idea who I am and this is a coincidence. The issue I had back then was that the age and the diction of the characters didn't fit. With the way he's introduced in Chapter 1, I think that is handled nicely now overall.

So as far as the story goes, I can give you a clean stamp of approval and send you on your way.

But I won't.

Know that from this moment forward, this is my opinion and it's no longer me responding as an editor. I'm now a beta reader and I'll share my thoughts with you on how I interpreted these two chapters (and perhaps the story overall). Should you decide to stop right here and not read further, know that the critique, before this sentence, is valid and sturdy.

You're still here...? Okay. Let's continue.

Victor grew on me. In the original draft that I read, Jason was the charmer and Victor read like a catfish profile in a sketchy AOL chat room. His mansplaining has largely been fixed and I'll admit, his introduction was a bit cuter than I'd expected.

So Jason and Victor both stand out well. I do believe Victor's encyclopedia-like prose has been shortened (for the better, IMO) which helps a lot. I'm a Linguistics major and I speak three languages myself as well as a creole of English, so to hear that this once seven year-old boy has maintained a British accent for x-amount of years? I raised an eyebrow at that. But he's probably not human so I can suspend my disbelief for it.

So what was it that got into my craw this time?

The parents.

Let's first ignore the fact that they basically collected this stray child like a lost Pokemon. I can't even imagine a Disney movie scenario where this would be okay. And it might not have stood out if the parents weren't so...I don't want to say 'unsettling' but I'm going to say unsettling. They reminded me of a bad guy couple who went extra hard on the 'polite perfect people' mask to lure you in. There was so much mention of 'manners' and 'politeness' that it felt unnatural.

Even when ignoring that part, they are rather...inhumanely perfectly-ACTING to the point of feeling forced. And yet, these well-educated DUAL PARENTS can't keep a 2-year-old safely alive.

I'd originally liked that she couldn't cook and burned the pie, until reading it now to see that she keeps dropping the ball (or the baby in this case) at every turn.

But okay, shoddy parenting, shoddy cooking, plastic personalities, that still doesn't give them a pass on the "Well, nobody's claimed this kid so...let's keep 'im?"

The only possible solution I can think of (and it's possible because you are using Third Person Omniscient) is that they allow him to spend the night (that final time) and then by morning, they'd FORGOTTEN he didn't belong there. And then after a week or so, he forgot, too. (Unless I'm misunderstanding that Victor has forgotten who he is and where he came from as he grew??) I was under the impression that now Victor no longer remembered where he came from.

If I misunderstood that, then I apologize.

As of now, the positives are as follows:
- Victor
- Jason
- Chapter 1 does what a first chapter should
- Chapter 2 had adequate hints of what's to come

Negatives:
- The mother
- The father
- I'm not sure the sister would add any extra layers to the story as a whole
- Their everyday life (which is VERY average) turns this into a slow burn

It's good that the mother has a flaw, even if it's just the bad cooking. Your first chapter also did everything a first chapter was supposed to, so it's a solid win. The main character is also likeable and brings intrigue. My feelings towards the plain two-dimensional parents is an opinion and should hold little weight for the simple fact that I come from a chaotic home-life so a quiet one depicted in fiction won't ever feel realistic for me. Maybe that point of view might be useful for you as feedback but if it's not, it's perfectly all right to disregard it as well.

If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.