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The Celibate Life
@CelibateForLife

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March 12, 1999

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Some of you messaged me the other day to tell me that my post on sexual attraction was a bit too abstract. Sorry about that. Must be all those papers I'm writing for school! ;)

This post will be more fun! :)

As a little reminder, I'm reposting the definition of sexual attraction included in my last post. Don't mind the dense language. It's the only crazy bit of the today's entry, I promise.

Sexual attraction is an innate, biologically pre-programmed response to a set of physical, mental, or emotional stimuli that prompts a desire to engage in any form of sexual activity in order to either catalyze a potential relationship or deepen an existing relationship with a particular person.

Whew! That's a mouthful--you're right. I can almost hear you guys saying, "Dude, WTF? I've read more entertaining books on geometry."

So let's take a look at that nuttiness in a less academic way. I'm going to break down each part and comment on all the assumptions behind the definition.

1. Sexual attraction, or a lack thereof, is not a choice.

You want to bang guys? Great. Girls? Cool. Both? Awesome. Neither? Sweet.

Either way, it's not a choice, my friend.

You are hard-wired to find certain genders attractive candidates to ride into the sunset. Even though I find men both aesthetically and romantically attractive, sex itself has always been uninteresting for me. That's just how I'm made. 

If you can have chocolate cake (romance) why choose angel food cake (sex)?

In a PM, someone asked me: Can you defy your programming?

Sure! I'm not a robot any more than you are. I'm not unable to have sex or repulsed by it. But that's not going to be my 'first choice' or my innate preference for showing love and affection.

Defying your orientation is possible, but having sex to please your partner doesn't qualify as sexual attraction. It's a compromise.

That's equally true for societal compromises, what I like to call 'conditioned socialization'. If I have sex because I'm taught that's how adult relationships work, that doesn't change the lack of sexual attraction I feel on the inside. It just means I'm going through the motions to fit in.

Sure, I can make a big exception for that one special person in my life. But that is a compromise for someone I love, not necessarily sexual attraction.

It also doesn't mean I love them any less.

2. There has to be a stimulus originating from an actual person.

Watching erotic films? Doesn't count.
Reading erotic books? Doesn't count.
Movie scene? Doesn't count.
Weird fantasy? Doesn't count.
Self-love? Doesn't count.
A picture of Brad Pitt? Doesn't count.
Dead man crush? Doesn't count.

These kinds of stimuli can arouse you, sure. But that's just your body waving at you and saying, "Hey, I'm here, and I'm working."

Libido alone doesn't translate into sexual attraction.

It has to be a stimulus from a real person who you could actually bounce up and down upon if the circumstances were favorable. (Read: available, consent, appropriate, legal, etc.)

Why?

Have you noticed that during the first warm, sunny day after a long winter lots of people are dying to 'hook up'? Pleasant weather seems to turn a lot of people on. 

That doesn't mean people wanna have sex with the sun. 

I'm arguing ad absurdum to make a point. Desire and arousal alone aren't enough to create sexual attraction.

3. Desire comes voluntarily from within. No pressure. No force. No coercion.

None of the following reasons count as sexual attraction:

a) I have to or ...

- my friends/boyfriend won't like me;
- my boyfriend will break up with me;
- people will think I'm weird.

b) Society expects us to do it.

c) I want to experience what it's like out of academic/scientific curiosity.

d) I'm bored.

e) Maybe it will fix my relationship.

f) I want babies.

g) My religion tells me I should.

h) I've been taught to think that way.

i) Any other reason that doesn't come from you of your own free will and is simply a means to an end.

If attraction doesn't happen naturally, it isn't an attraction.

4. It has to deal with some kind of sexual activity.

I know some of you will probably say, "Well, duh, dude! It's sexual attraction!" But you might be surprised at all the things that don't fall under the purview of sexual activity.

- Non-genital physical contact, including kissing, cuddling, snuggling, fondling while clothed, and non-genital massages (no matter how intimate)

- Romantic arrangements (including long-term commitments such as domestic partnerships or marriage)

- Romantic gestures such as flowers, chocolates, buying your partner his favorite magazine, surprising him with a romantic getaway, doing a cute little striptease for fun, traveling to exotic places, etc.

- Binge watching Star Wars movies while snuggling your partner and stealthily squirming your backside against your partner's groin while both of you are clothed...just to be a tease.

(Nope, I've never done that. Does sound amusing though. :D)

Yep, all that still doesn't count... It's very intimate. Probably best saved for your significant other. But it still isn't sex.

Unless your parts are touching some part of your partner's body on purpose--we won't count that dancing wardrobe mishap of 1996, don't worry--it's not sexual activity.

Fantasizing about any or all of these activities still doesn't make you sexual.

5. A relationship has to be involved, either one that already exists or one you want to bring into being.

'Relationship' is a funny word filled with connotations about commitment and romance. But at its essence, it just means any connection with any person, no matter how trivial or vapid. The term includes flings, one-night stands, and friends with benefits. It even means an absolute stranger soon to be screaming your name in the throes of ecstasy.

Of course, it also means being in a long-term commitment with a person you love. But it doesn't only mean that, and certainly not in the context of this definition.

A vague interest in sex or sexual activity doesn't count as sexual attraction, especially if it's driven by curiosity. That drive has to be directed towards a particular person as a way to start or deepen a relationship to qualify as more than sexual interest, curiosity, or arousal.

Here's something rather counter-intuitive: an asexual can experience desire or arousal. They don't have biological dysfunction. The system still works just fine. It's just that those romantic feelings and that biological system never/rarely mesh.

Not to put a point on it, but if you get 'hard' or 'wet', that doesn't make you sexual. That makes you a healthy human being. Of course, sexual attraction can lead to sexual arousal. 

But it doesn't have to.

***

Right, quiz time. Are the following situations proof of sexual attraction?

Fantasizing about your neighbor spooning you in an intimate cuddle.

No.

Imagining some random, nondescript person doing naughty things to your body to turn you on.

No.

Imagining a sexy actor is lending a helping hand during self-love sessions.

Nope.

Out of nowhere, you need holy water or a cold shower because bodies are strange and sometimes your junk has a mind of its own.

Nope.

Watching your neighbor walking shirtless across the lawn while giving you a sly smirk, you think of all the naughty things you want to do to him and you want him to do to you as he flexes his biceps at you and winks.

Most likely: YES.

Why should we care what sexual attraction means? Because an asexual's lack thereof means only a small subset of activity is affected.

Of course, it's up to each individual how far they are comfortable with taking a romantic relationship. But there are so many intimate activities apart from sex that an asexual can do without having that strange, dissociated, uninterested feeling. There are so many ways to bond in a meaningful way apart from sex.

That is hugely reassuring to me.

I hope it is to you as well.

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5 comments

@curiouscritter18 much better dude. flows more better. clearer. easier. other one read like a textbook.

➡️ @CelibateForLife I'm glad it reads better now. Thanks for reading.

➡️➡️ @curiouscritter18 I got ur back Jess. :-*

➡️➡️ @AceOfSpades I liked both versions, but this one is more approachable, I suppose. :)

@PrideYourPride Yeah, I liked it better too. You should be a spokeswoman for asexual rights. :D

➡️ @CelibateForLife Aww, thanks. You're the best, Pride.

@AceOfSpades Well done. You kept the key points while making it less dense and abstract.

➡️ @CelibateForLife Awesome, that's what I was hoping. *blush* Thanks for reading. 

➡️➡️ @AceOfSpades Of course. Sent you an IM. ;) 

➡️ @Girl4Girls21 Yep, much better.

➡️ @AceSquared I enjoyed both too, but this works better for the average Joe. Maybe. I kinda like abstract stuff. ;) What can I say? That chart was rad.

@MELaine45 Cool read. I get it now. Thx.

@StaceyLouise Heyyyyy yeah, that makes sense. Cool beans. Luv it. <3