Its been quite long since I started to write again. Things happen less impressive than I have expected. Many problems get in the way, mostly my emotional state. I feel alive when I see that person. After months of quarantine and staying in the hospital, I thought the feelings are gone, but they aren't. 

The man I fell for when I was seventeen now becomes my blind love at the age of eighteen. Something changes this time. The need for telling him the way I feel now that is gone. What is the point of letting him know how I think anyway? Will it change the fact that we simply can't be together? I'm scared of how he would feel and how he would react to this sudden event. A man like him, patient and thoughtful, beautiful mind, lovely soul,  and his spirit is wild like a windy day. I can't risk it all just to get what I don't even know is. I just can't.

Only in the next few months, I will no longer be here. Rainy days always make me feel sad. I don't know why. I will be strangely clam when I hear raindrops over my roof. Thinking of my man, what is he doing? What is he watching? What did he eat? Which scent is his favorite? I want to know everything about this man, this particular man. I'm a girl with imagination, I always envision the thing about to come.

His cold facial and deathly smile has got me falling. I fell, I fell hard for him. All I ever wanted now is he telling me to stay. Just say it, and I'll risk it all to stay. To stay for him, I'm willing to do so

Skies are clear with cotton candy clouds. I lay on fresh green grass, joy fills my eyes. He was there, too. Holding my hand, place it on his heart. I can feel his heart rate rising. I close my eyes, feeling the wind lingering my face. I can sense his breath next to me, smell like mango and ocean. Be there with him, I have the whole world spinning around us. I would never be that happy. The sadness I left, the pain I numbed now bloom into roses in his balcony. My man, my big boy-man, came into my life. Tore it into pieces and gently place it back, turn it into a colorful rainbow puzzle. I enjoy each day with him. I can't go back to where I used. Love is something that comes into your life and turns it upside down. But you just can't hate it, you love this mess. You love this stranger, you could die for that person. And for me, I call it a magical transformation. I was rude, careless, and didn't know much about life. He taught me to be good, to love, and be loved. He is the one I long for. Just think of him can warm my heart, like a drug even though it's poisonous, like poison ivy, like the love you gave me.