Chapter 4 : Fallen Leaves

warning , depressing thoughts. please beware, feel free to skip this chapter if you feel uncomfortable. thank you. if you need to vent or need support, I am here

Coughs echoed in the crowded medicine cat den, forming a unique piece of music. Barkpaw traveled through the waves of sick cats, his eyes tired without any sparks. Shoving some catmint to the sick-looking Emberkit, he yowled, his vision blurred with tiredness. 

Searching for catmints in the pile at the corner, his pawsteps landed heavily on the mossy ground. Taking a deep breath, he stared at his sister Covepaw in the distance as she lay on the moss, glancing at her paws with boredom and tiredness. Her usual happy and cheerful self could not be seen.

One cat was down by greencough.

Barkpaw could not make himself to stare at the white tuft of fur, lifeless, carrying by some cats. Tears were shredded, the crowd was silent. No sound was made as every cat shared glances of sorrow. 

Blizzardchaser was always the calm cat, but she could not help but stare into the emptiness. Barkpaw could not meet any cat's eyes, or he was sure that his heart would break down into slices. Cut into pieces by a sharp stone that ached his heart. 

Sheepsong.

And it was his fault.

Turning back to the den, the brown tom recognized a lot of familiar faces in the packed den. Lavenderflicker was studying Emberkit with worry filled his eyes. His tidy silver fur was tangled as his jaws clenched tightly. Wariness and tiredness could be spotted everywhere. A dark blue she-cat was glancing around moodily. The elder licked her paws gently as her eyes landed on Barkpaw.

Barkpaw came forward as he asked with a forced smile after giving her some catmint, "How are you feeling, Lapisshock?"

Lapisshock turned away as she murmured, "Leave me alone."

Barkpaw stood quietly without making a sound. Every single thing in the world was painted with shades of grey. His stare was empty, without the soul that was inside him. The sun brushed his pelt softly but he could not feel it. 

He felt the same.

He wanted peace and quiet, a way to escape from this world.

Many cats were fallen, they were fighting against the whitecough. The medicine cat apprentice found it hard to look into those pairs of eyes which showed a strong desire for surviving.

Where was peace?

Barkpaw's emotion was a deep shade of blue, the kind of blue which was stolen from the night sky without the moon, or the night of his first gathering.

Things had become tense after both Falconstar and Slatestar refused to offer WindClan's and ShadowClan's hunting ground for RiverClan's use. The crack within the four clans were becoming bigger and bigger. The clans which united together were separated to a state of hatred. Whenever the sleek jet black she-cat saw RiverClan cats, she always murmured "Foxdung" under her breath.

The pawsteps that rang dragged Barkpaw out of his clouded thoughts. Looking back, he saw Lilypetal with her ears twitched. He knew he was going to regret this by inspecting his mentor's expression, but some weird-sounding words managed to squeeze out of his tightened mouth.

"H-how's Falconstar-"

Lilypetal shook her head helplessly as Barkpaw's vision blurred. He took deep breathes as he was trying to calm his heartbeat. 

Pain.

Cracks were formed on his heart under the pressure of his body. He could feel the strong beating against his chest. The rhyme of the music in his heart. Not music, more like the call for help. He was sinking. He was breaking apart. Nothing could mend.

He could feel a tail wrapped around his shoulders and a voice that found its way into his ears could be heard, "I am sorry, I have tried."

Barkpaw shook her words away as he focused on the warm sunshine and gentle breeze out of the den. Everything was so beautiful, a memory. A paradise that he did not belong to.

Falconstar had lost a life due to greencough.

Lilypetal's moisty eyes told everything.

The sorrow that grew inside him could not be covered by the mask that he constantly wore, to cover his darkness. He wanted to ignore the dark shadow that followed him every day in the dark, whispering, "You can't do it."

You can't do it, and everyone tells you that you can't. You better accept your fate before you waste your time.

An invisible claw gripped him by the throat, he found it hard to breathe, hard to believe. He kept in silence, he could not find himself. Where was the real Barkpaw? Or was it the real him? Was he destined to be like this? A hopeless apprentice without any talent?

He was torn apart into slices. He had not felt like this before, his dream turning and breaking into bubbles, laughing at him and winking under the bright sunlight. He did not make a sound, but he was screaming inside, calling for help.

He was sinking. He was asking for answers. From any cat who could tell him why he ended up like this.

"Barkpaw..."

The voice trailed into nothing as his eyes cracked open, wincing as he tried to adjust to the bright sunlight. A pair of green eyes connected with his as they shimmered with tears. 

Memories replayed in his head, he could still feel the sudden pain and see the blinding light that would forever haunt his dream. He tried to stop himself from asking a question. He was timid, he admitted, but he would rather live in a dream than waking in the reality, living with the worst that had happened.

Before he could stop himself, the words slipped out of his mouth, "How's... my wound?"

The she-cat shook her head unwillingly, avoiding his eyes. 

That explained all.

Sometimes, he wished all the bad things that had happened to him would disappear after a dream. Vanished. He was always squeezed between two imaginary big stones. He could not breathe, he was out of breath, out of mind.

Who was he?

He wanted to be normal, an apprentice who was nervous for his first hunting lesson, but not a cat who was worrying about being threatened. 

The cat was always after him. He knew. He had ruined the game. He could always see the shadow, he could always feel it creeping behind his back, waiting for a chance. It was always waiting in the darkest corner of darkness, or in the middle of a terrifying nightmare.

How does it feel to swallow some berries with an attractive red cover and a cute little kit within the cover, peeking quietly at the interesting world?

He could remember how they looked clearly, lying peacefully on a piece of oak leaf. What if it quietly slided down his throat? He could admire the charming and adorable red fruit lying on his paws, the red embedding into his dreams.

Would there be the light that he had always been thinking, waiting for his arrival in the place where dreams occurred? 

Would he finally find where he belonged?

He was tired of watching the others suffer while he could do nothing to prevent it from happening. He could nearly do it, but he did not have the ability. Staring at the dream that he had just shattered, he shook his head with numbness.

He could not feel the wound that was bleeding within him, the fire that was burning him alive. The world that he wanted to live would always be in his dream, calling him, pulling him forward.

Would there be anything that he wanted to keep, that was in this world?

Not until Lilypetal shook him with all her might, did he realize he was deep in his thoughts. Ignoring her concerned gaze, he turned away and continued his work.

He tried not to look into every cat's eyes, seeing how pained or heartbroken they were. Every cat would be blaming him, for failing to save Sheepsong.

He blamed himself for being useless, for ruining everything, for killing Sheepsong.

"Barkpaw?"

A call from the clearing. Barkpaw paddled slowly to the clearing, seeing a group of ThunderClan standing in the clearing with Havenstar chatting with Blizzardchaser, the deputy. The medicine cat apprentice was too tired to feel anything as he stared into the emptiness.

Blizzardchaser came forward to Barkpaw as she whispered gently, "ThunderClan needs your help with healing. Are you willing to go and help them?"

Barkpaw looked up and spotted Havenstar coming to his direction. Stopping in front of him, Havenstar's eyes were filled with worry and panic, yet he managed to stay calm as he mewed, "Barkpaw, we really need your help. There are a lot of ill cats in ThunderClan."

Barkpaw looked around hesitantly as his eyes set again on the medicine cat den. The pained expressions. The heartbreaks.

>> "Yes, I can", agreeing to help ThunderClan to improve the bonding with ThunderClan

>> "No, I cannot", refusing to help in a direct way as your clan needs you

>> "No, I cannot, sorry. WindClan needs my help dealing with the greencough too. I really want to help, but I cannot", refusing to help in a more indirect way as your clan needs you

Vote and discuss here --->

❧

I hope that it is not too much... or is it? I am sorry if it triggers you in any way. I do not think this is as good as those emotional expressions in Camouflage, but I am tired as heck now.

Also, I am so done with writing depression. Please don't torture me again with low happiness point.

Thank you Ivyla and Bubble (mummy) for your extra help or I will never be able to reach this climax while writing. Also, I want to thank everyone who is there for me. I just want to classify those thoughts that were written in this chapter did not belong to me. My mental state is fine, no need to worry.

I have been killing off cats whose owners are not reading this book. That is the reason why Sheepsong is chosen. Anyway, I am planning on killing more cats in this book if greencough is not stopped in time.

Good luck.

(ps. I wrote 1730 words in this chapter, that's my first time for writing that much)