051:

It was then she noticed that an envelope was in front of the mirror on her dressing table. It hadn't been there before, she was sure of it. She crawled off the bed, careful not to disturb Hannah who was sprawled upside down.

She crossed the room with a feeling of trepidation. She was absolutely sure that that envelope hadn't been there when she came into the room. She picked it up, recognizing the writing at once, and read the proscription on the outside. "To be given within the first year in the event of overload and things not going right." Obviously in Jared's handwriting.

She backed up to the bed and sat down hard as if all her muscles had collapsed. Her mother... her mother had put it there. Jared had given her mother letters for her that resembled Hannah's book. But had left it up to her mother's discretion when to give them to her, if at all. She wanted to go in and confront her mother, ask her how many letters there actually were. What could she expect living with his ghost like this?

But she couldn't. She sat on the edge of the bed, staring out at the field across from the house, out the window where they'd run, and ridden horses, and taken long walks. She fingered the plain white envelope. This one was fairly thick, thicker than the last one.

Dear Mia,

This has been given to you in the event that you are not coping as well as I would hope with my death and the ensuing hardships of grief and work, and motherhood. Okay, babe, let me wrap my head around this. I'm back to a tent in Wyoming, a freezing cold night, and a mouse in the heather. That was a night when I think we weren't coping very well. I want you to remember that night. Go on, place yourself there. If you recall, eventually you warmed up, curled yourself into my arms and we talked. Let's do that now.

What is it? Work?

Okay, I probably pushed you to go back to work too soon. I haven't been around a young mother with her first child before, and after I wrote the last letters, I assume you took them to heart and went out and started digging into work with a vengeance. It's very possible that I over- estimated your ability to cope with work and the baby, and the circumstances. Melia, it's okay to slow down. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. It may have been what I would do, jump into a distraction like that, but you're different, and you're a woman, and you have a baby. How about this? I'll admit I was wrong, and you need to take it easy, slow down, and get a breather. You may not ever want to work outside the home again, a complete makeover, rethink your life. You are so amazingly talented, there are so many things you can do. I think some online courses might be in order. Promise me you'll slow down now, okay?

Hm... not work? Or work is only part of the problem? Is it guys? I don't know how long after my death you are reading this; I only know it's written for a time less than a year after. My guess is you are swarmed with guys. Let me be your friend right now. Okay? Like a big brother friend.... Is that possible? No, well, okay, anyway....

You're right, I pushed Matthew a bit. If he's not the one, dump him. I don't approve him, don't care one way or the other, and he's not my perfect choice for you. I pushed him because he can diffuse you, and because he and I started a little guy bonding, and I figured I could count on him to be there for you... my way, since he knows me. If its driving you nuts, ditch him. It won't bother me in the least.

Om... not Matthew... someone else? Okay, sure, I feel a little jealous. Yeah, that's about what it took to write that and think about it at the same time. Well, here's the deal babe. You do need to get on with life, and you need to get Hannah a dad. I hope he's a member of the church, I hope he is willing to take you to the temple, and if he is, and you love him and can't let go of me, I swear, Mia, I want you to let go and be with him. It's the right thing to do, and I won't spy on you from the other side, or haunt you, or anything even remotely similar. I swear, I want you to marry him and get on with your life.

Is it Ryan? Well, that's a question.

Ryan should be home, or possibly almost home from his mission. I don't know. But I sense that he is an issue you will have to deal with. As a kid Ryan was impulsive, but thoughtful. His reaction at the restaurant was not entirely out of character for him. He tends to fly off the handle and then repent of his actions. He's a good man, Mia, and I know why you originally fell in love with him, he's very thoughtful and charismatic, he's an actor, a very good one, and he cares for you deeply. If all is going well with him I wish you both the very best of luck and happiness.

If not, please open the folded sheet inside this one. Promise me you will not open it unless the problem is Ryan and things are not going well. I mean it this time, Melia, throw it away if Ryan is not the issue. Swear. I will hold you accountable. It will be information that is none of your business if Ryan is not your problem.

Is it Hannah? I pray that all is well with her. I know you will be able to deal with any and all issues that come up. You are a good mother, Melia, very dedicated and careful. If it's a health issue, I know you will do whatever is needed, and all I can say for that is.... I'm there with you babe. I will always be there with you for that kind of stuff. I just don't want you to put your life on hold for me. Okay?

You are so beautiful, you have so much to offer whatever field you choose to be in. If you choose to go flip burgers at McDonald's, you'll be the best burger flipper ever. I wish I could be around to see what you choose to do, what interests you pursue, I will try and be there for you, okay? But not in a romantic way. More like an innocent bystander way. You're not still attached to me that way, go out and have fun.

Mia, if its depression. Get some help. Go see a grief counselor. There are meds for that kind of stuff and you may need them for a little while. Don't take anything else, just the meds they give you. No booze, no drugs. I swear I will haunt you if you do that. Don't think for even one second that a careless lifestyle is okay. I've never taken drugs in my life, and I won't tolerate you doing it. But if you need help, I'm not opposed.

I think reassuring you is all I have, and I can't second guess every condition that might come up. Just know that I love you, and I will always love you. You are everything to me, and always will be.

Your very loving husband, Jared

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