CHAPTER FIVE || THE FIRST TIME

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Alex Apologised to Sam again despite him telling her not to worry about it, the guilt still plagued her mind. the fear of not being in control of your own mind was terrifying, the world really knew how to drain the life from a kind-hearted person. she could barely remember who she was before.

Sighing she felt the gun tucked into her waistband, feeling the need to carry her daggers with her now it was a possibility people could be turning into walkers, it was suddenly back to sleeping with one eye open. she needed to be able to protect herself, and her family. Heading back to her Cell she heard Heavy breathing coming from inside her cell making her raise a brow.

"Glenn" She questioned turning the corner to see him perched on the side of the bed his head in his hands panting, upon hearing her enter he stuck his hand out almost warning her to stay back, yet she didn't she took a few steps toward him concern filling her chest.

"d- don't- don't come in." he panted his voice stuffy, as his head remained in one of his hands Alex felt an overwhelming surge of anxiety.

"Are you okay?" she asked taking a step closer to him, ignoring his warnings. She knew. She could tell by his voice. but she didn't want to believe it. Glenn turned, lifting his head from his hand and turning to look at Alex, his skin layered with sweat, all the colour drained from his face leaving his olive skin a pale grey, the bags under his eyes accentuated by the sickness. Her Blood ran cold as she caught sight of him, He didn't look sick when she'd last seen him... Her heart raced as she thought back to what michonne had said. it developed too quickly...

"Alex don't come near me" he coughed, but she didn't listen. he was sick. he needed her. Rushing to his side, Alex sat on the bed beside him, her throat tightening as she brushed his hair from his forehead examining his pale face, she cupped his cheeks.

"oh, Glenn..." her voice trembled her words were barely audible as she gently placed the back of her hand against his forehead, immediately recognising the high fever as he weakly tried to stop her by moving her hand yet she only shook her head.

"you can't- I can't be near you" his voice was weak as his eyes stared into hers, she shook her head, her hand trailing from his cheek to the back of his neck, her fingers gliding through the shorter hairs on the back of his head as she tried to compose herself... 

"I've already been exposed, baby. I'm going to get Hershel... you're going to be okay" She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince herself or him, but he had to be okay. he couldn't be, she couldn't even begin to fathom what michonne said. it can't just kill him. the thought of losing him made her heart ache with pain, the butterflies he normally ignited in her stomach replaced with bees stinging her heart... 

**

Alex sat on the stairs outside the Cellblock that lead to the courtyard, this is what she was so afraid of. this was what she feared opening up to people, especially Glenn. tears pooled in her eyes as she thought back to Eli. She couldn't do this. Not again. being afraid, maybe that was what kept her alive. Kept her sane. She tried to be grateful she survived... but how was she supposed to be grateful for this? She was surrounded by daggers of grief and dodging bullets of memories. 

She picked at the skin around her fingertips as her chest constricted, losing Glenn, Losing Eli, Lori. She couldn't do it. she knew she wasn't strong enough to deal with that. She knew that would kill her, everyone has a breaking point and she was millimetres away from hers. 

"hey alex everyone's gonna be okay" She heard Sam's voice from behind her as he walked down the steps, unaware Glenn had the sickness. As Sam walked past he immediately noticed the tears that had pooled in Alex's eyes. Immediately stopping in his tracks he took the rifle from his shoulder and sat beside Alex, a protective feeling coming over him. one he'd felt before... but not since he lost his sister. 

"what's going on?" he questioned his eyebrows furrowed together as concern for his friend grew, Alex just looked at him barely able to let the words slip past her lips. almost as if, if she didn't say it, it wasn't true. but it was. and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. the helpless guilt flooded through her veins again as she locked eyes with Sam. 

"Glenn has it" Her confession was followed by a mutter of curses that left Sam's lips as he ran a hand over his face, a sudden gloom of pain clouding the prison as Sam sighed in disbelief before his eyes met Alex's again unsure of what to say. 

"listen to me,... Daryl, michonne and I are gonna get the meds, you, Rick and Carol stay and look after everyone, look after Glenn. it's gonna be okay, we'll find them alright? he'll be okay" Sam sighed wrapping his arm around Alex's shoulders and bringing her into a side hug, He was never particularly good with comforting people. he always found himself unsure of what to say to make someone feel better. yet with this, he knew, maybe not what to say. but he knew what he had to do.

**

with half the group on a run to the veterinary college to get antibiotics, and Carol and Rick on a run to get more food. Alex was left alone to help to Run things to death row in order to Help Hershel keep things running in there. Yet she couldn't go in. She wasn't allowed to go it, she wasn't allowed to see him. and that terrified her... what if she didn't get to say goodbye?

Knowing Glenn was in there Alone, sick. made her skin crawl. he didn't like the idea of sending the sick to death row originally, but now he was there. alone. Alex so desperately wanted to be by his side, making sure he was okay, but she couldn't. Being alone with her thoughts, everything was weighing on her. The thought of Glenn, Coughing up blood, possibly drowning in his own blood. Shaking her head she tried escaping the thoughts as the day went on. the fear of losing someone you love is just that until it isn't.

time passed as she waited outside Death Row, desperately wanting to hear the rev of Daryl's bike signalling they were back with the medication, but hours passed with no noise but the coughing from inside the building a constant noise that continued even when the sunlight faded.

"Alex... come have dinner with us?" she heard the soft voice of her cousin, poking his head around the corner Alex knew he wasn't supposed to be so close to death row, he was supposed to be safe, with the other kids.

"Carl you need to go back. I've been exposed" She shook her head looking at her cousin, two plates of food in his hands. he needed to be safe, he needed to stay safe. she couldn't let him end up where Glenn was.  not ever.

"you need to eat. so get up, come with me" he raised a brow, sass lacing his voice causing a ghost of a smile to tug on Alex's lips as she slowly got up she gave him a look knowing if Rick knew about this she'd get lectured. 

"your dad'll kill me. 6 feet apart Carl don't come too close to me. and don't sass me jelly bean" she chuckled softly as he rolled his eyes leading his cousin out of death row and into the courtyard, he knew she was hurting. he was a kid, but he wasn't stupid. after what he assumed happened the day Patrick died, and now Glenn being sick. he wanted to at least be there for her. 

"I hugged Dad. I've been exposed too. but we'll eat out here" Carl scoffed as the two walked through the courtyard approaching a table, Alex's heart melted at her cousin's attempt to make her feel better as they sat on opposite sides of the table Carl handed her a plate of food.

"he'll be alright. its Glenn. He saved Dad at the start. plus he's your boyfriend, he's gotta be a hardass to deal with you all the time" Alex scoffed at her cousin's words as he let out a laugh trying to lighten the situation.

"Carl." she scolded him for cursing as she tried to hold back the smile tugging at her lips before she continued; " I'm not that bad" 

"mhmm" he chuckled filling his mouth with food as Alex shook her head at his antics, he didn't take away the sadness she felt. but he did distract from it. he did help lighten the mood, make her feel better, even if was just for half an hour.

**

Alex hadn't slept, and no one had returned to the prison. The hope that had been growing inside her at the possibility of life in the prison had diminished once again leaving her with the familiar emptiness as her fears began sinking in. The sun had barely Risen when she couldn't handle the waiting anymore and decided to head back to Death Row and wait for Hershel to emerge by the viewing window. maybe she could persuade him to let her help, let her look after Glenn. 

Alex pulled her military-issued jacket tightly around her body, almost hugging herself as she did. A deep sense of anxiety pooled in her stomach which only increased with each second that passed, until she saw Hershel making his way toward the glass window that separated them, A flashlight in hand lighting up the dark room as he approached Alex her heart pounding in her chest as he got closer.

"where's Glenn?" Alex questioned, her voice wavered as felt the paralysing grief of Eli's death all over again, with the added fear of Glenn's making her chest burn as she looked up at Hershel. She was desperate. She wanted to see him, she wanted to hold his hand, play with his hair, rub his back as he coughed, check his temperature. She wanted to be there for him. 

"he's resting" Hershel nodded as he leaned against the table in front of the window, his eyes glued to the dark-haired girl as he thought back to the conversation he'd just had with Glenn, Hershel wanted to do what was best for both of them, and that meant keeping them apart.

"Is he okay?" she questioned her heart begging for the answer she wanted, she stared at Hershel trying to read the look on his face, searching for any indicator she should just barge in.

"he was helping me and he got tired. that's all," he reassured yet the burning pain in Alex's chest didn't ease for a second, she wanted to see him. She pleaded with Hershel yet his opinion didn't change.

"if you need help I can help you." Alex offered, she wanted to be there for Glenn, Hold him, tell him everything was going to be okay. but Hershel wouldn't allow it. he'd spoken to Glenn. and Glenn didn't want her to see him like this.

"I don't" Hershel assured almost instantly, He didn't want anyone else to get hurt. especially the girl who saved his life, the girl who looked after his two girls. 

"I was just keeping him occupied, keeping his mind on helping people." Hershel continued nodding trying to convince Alex, Glenn was doing the best he can, yet she only shook her head.

"I can come in there and help you" She shook her head trying to keep the tears at bay, She felt a sense of shame wash over her at how emotional she'd been, She needed to pull herself together. but how was she supposed to do that while Glenn was suffering, And again, for what felt like the hundredth time she couldn't do anything to stop it.

"no, you don't need to." Hershel shook his head adamant he wasn't allowing anyone else inside, he wouldn't risk another life.

"you can rest here" Alex offered only to be shut down again with a blunt; "no"

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AN || I hate this chapter lmao, but I'm so excited for what's next, we are almost finished with the prison era there's a lot coming that I'm so excited for.
big plot twists who