This is in here, because… well… let’s face it, who reads my problems in my message book? 

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    Anyways… I don’t know how to feel anymore. I just feel broken and empty because of my stupidity. My chest feels heavy and hurts. I feel sick… But, this isn’t what I’m here about. That issue is being resolved by the two of us getting to know each other better and taking it slow. I like her, yes… I love her still, how could I not?

    To the problem I was thinking of today at second period, my English 11 class. We were talking about people we can lean our heads on, or who we let lay their heads on us. I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I trust my online friends more than my real ones. With my real ones, they tend to brush it off and do nothing. They even push in their problems or get upset over me explaining mine. With my online ones, the ones on here, they try to help. Some more than others. I just… I don’t know anymore…

    I have so much on my chest, and I don’t want to talk to anyone about it. But… I have therapy on the twenty second of this month, September. I don’t think it’ll help. Given, it’s a psychiatrist to see what my issue is. Whether I have depression, or am bipolar, or even have anxiety… All in which run in my family. And the reasons for me going is how I treat my emotions. Believe it or not, I’m not a very positive person, nor am I very self loving. I hate myself, and all I can do is think negatively. And no, this happened before the break up. I’ve always hated myself. I hate how I have zero confidence. I hate the way I look. I hate the way I think about things… I just REALLY hate myself. Hell! I hate that my biggest fear is slowly coming true...

    People say I don’t have a reason to hate myself. My mom says I’m beautiful… I’m really not. She says I should LOVE myself. I CAN’T LOVE SOMETHING THAT IS A MISTAKE! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE, AND I WISH I DID! I can’t deal with it! Maybe this is depression, maybe it’s not. But I can’t help the way I feel about myself. Nothing can change that fact. My mom thinks talking to someone will help. I’m just a broken person in all honesty… Once broken, always broken. And it doesn’t help I caused myself to have a broken heart… 

    Happiness is was I want, and I don’t feel like I can ever be happy. I was happy with her, and see where that went? My parents were so worried and got their thoughts sucked into my mind. I trust and believe her still. It helps that we still talk, but is it good? I want to know her better…

    Ugh. That’s all that’s been on my mind since yesterday morning! I can’t help it! It fucking hurts. I want things to work. I wish I said stay and not end. I don’t like how I feel. I was happy, but I ruined it… I feel worthless and alone… I feel more broken and just like I have no one to talk to. I don’t want to talk to my parents about it, because I feel like they would just say it’s another reason to talk to a therapist… I don’t need to. This is normal for a teenager! A teenage girl that’s had to go through a lot in the past.

    But… Is it bad I come here to talk about my problems more than I do go to my parents or friends? Is that why I’m growing distant and more afraid? I can’t stand this anymore! I can’t do anything about it! I can’t feel happy, I can’t end it all… I can’t. I’m too scared to end things because, let’s face it. I still have that small ounce of hope, not even a small ounce.. I have a LOT of hope that her and I will get through this… get together again, and be happy. How long that hope will last is forever. I was happy with her, so I want that happiness back…

    In all… I just feel like I bottle up my emotions and problems to the point I can’t function without having those awful break downs… I almost had one today, and I just feel light headed and all. I didn’t want to come to school, but I had to. I don’t want anyone to be pissed at me. Besides… 

Just Like Everyone Else,
You’ll Get Bored of Me,
You’ll Get Annoyed by Me,
You’ll Hate Me,
You’ll Stop Talking to Me,
You’ll Leave Me… 
Eventually… 

    And that’s for all of you. Really. That happens to me all the time. People leave me in the dust and replace me… I don’t blame them… I’m a horrible friend… a horrible girlfriend too…

    I should really stop. This is getting too long, but I still have so much on my chest… This isn’t really lifting any of the pain. I wish it would...