I'm sorry.

I don't ever want to hurt you.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? Everything failed to make sense. Last night was supposed to prove how I have things under control. How I'm the boss in the relationship, having my boyfriend eating out of the palm of my hands. Asiel did everything I expected him and wanted him to do.

I am the problem.

The second I realized Asiel was crying, anxiety crept into my chest and weighed on my body. I couldn't shake the feeling all night. To make matters worse, I cleansed him and held him all night, snuggling into his warmth. I knew it was wrong. My mind begged for me to walk away, but I couldn't. It's true. The saying about the two different things a heart and mind can want. I experienced it last night.

Why is this happening?

Exhaling through my nose, I try to gear my mind on different matters. A distraction. Something to keep me from thinking. I've always been at my best when I used my body, not my mind. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, but Asiel isn't coming tonight. That son of a bitch Mateo is coming home. For once, he serves a purpose.

To keep me from losing my sanity.

As the dressing room empties, I line my eyes with black liner and blend it with translucent powder. In my inner corners, I decorate it with blue eyeshadow and glitter. To make my irises pop, I add an extra dash of white shimmer. It's dark and grungy, the way my soul is feeling. That's a lie. But I've been living in a snow globe of lies since the beginning. Truths soaring through the air like snowflakes.

It's easy, Mika.

Simple, in fact.

It was all in the moment, like Asiel said.

Nothing more.

Definitely. Yeah.

My entire body shudders in fear when a pair of hands abruptly grip my shoulders, and with widened eyes, I turn to face Tania's brown irises. I rarely get scared easily, but I experienced a lot of firsts this week.

Tania's mouth is part in shock from my reaction. "Jesus, what's got you so fucking stressed out?"

"Nothing."

She hums, "Mmm, sure. Maybe it's because you realized what a huge slut you are."

I gasp, dramatically gripping my chest. "I don't appreciate the slander. I'm an innocent virgin. Dicks? Vaginas? I don't know them."

Tania scoffs under her breath. "Innocent virgin, my ass. My toe is more virgin than you."

"Yes, I am," I insist, laughing. "My vagina is sacred. Only God can hit it."

She struggles to hold back her urge to laugh as she swallows the gulp of water. Nearly choking, she responds, "You're a pathological liar. Your little Muneco had you screaming last night."

"Excuse me! I'm the one that had him folding in minutes," I say, lining my lips with a light pink tint.

She thrust her shirt over her frame, shaking her raven curls out with a bounce. "Was he okay? You said he was still fresh, ripe."

I blow out a breath. "Yeah. He loved every second of it. There was nothing to worry about."

Her fingers trail over the collection of nipple pasties and choose a white star to cover her peaks. "If it wasn't for Dragon, I would be so jealous. A hot man, with money, completely devoted to you? Can't get any better than that."

An uneasy laugh climbs out of my throat. "I know right."

My chair scrapes against the marble floors as I walk toward the treasure chest supplied with outfits. Tania releases a frustrated breath as she forces her arm through a glittery nude body suit. My fingers dance over the clothing, waiting to be inspired. Every performance relies on a magical outfit to capture the craving prey. Men are easy like that.

My eyes drift off the garments to Tania as she is about to exit the dressing room. This feeling is pulling me down like a thousand-pound weight, hauling me to the bottom of the ocean. Maybe I needed to talk to someone. Diablo is out of the picture. He will have a massive tantrum and scream, 'I told you so."

I need advice.

Not a lecture.

I clear my throat. "We're friends, right?"

Tania turns on her heel, resting her body on the door frame, half in and half out. "Of course, but I considered us more like friends with benefits. Friendly, hot fuck. Why?"

I bite on my bottom lip, my anxiety spiking. "Can I talk to you about something?"

She nods, wearing a bright red-lip smile. "Of course, babes. What's going on in your head?"

My hands grow clammy, sweating and shaking as I take a deep breath. "It might be weird. It's a bit um- personal.

A loud gasp leaves her lips as she quickly covers it with her palm. "Holy shit! Is the great Mika finally opening up to me? What did I do to deserve this honor?"

My eyes narrow with a slight hint of annoyance. "It's serious, Tania. Stop fucking around."

She frowns, but nods in agreement as she slips into a chair. "Okay. Okay. Sorry, I won't joke anymore. It's just a big deal. You never open up to anybody. It's like a miracle."

I suppress a smile. "Whatever. I'm not gonna tell you anymore. I have a shift to get ready for."

"No!" Tania demands, shrieking to the high heavens. "Tell me, please. I'm not going to joke around anymore. I'm here for you, Mika. You can tell me anything. You're my best friend, and no one really understands us or why we do this except for us."

My nose scrunches with amusement. "True. I could never talk about this with Eugene. What a bitch."

"Ewww." Tania flashes a look of disgust. "I can't ever get used to the way my body cringes when you say his real name. Anyway, what's up, buttercup?"

"Umm..." I reach to push a piece of my hair behind my ear. "When he started crying last night. I... um- felt off. Guilty."

"Why? He said he loved it."

I shrug, trying to make words into coherent sentences. "I know he did, but I can't shake this feeling of regret."

Tania puckers her lips, playing with her stocking by tugging on it and letting it go to slap against her skin. "So, you feel bad about it? Like you're taking advantage of him? But wasn't that always the plan?" She nibbles on her lips, her irises observing me cautiously under her eyelashes. "Milk him dry, and when you've taken everything that he's worth, drop him."

"Yeah, that's still the plan," I mutter, feeling as if I dropped a ten thousand-pound truck on my chest. "I don't know."

The silence between us stretches out for too long. Conveying and putting my thoughts together makes me realize how stressed, overwhelm, and frustrated I've been. My entire life has been like a rollercoaster with my life on the line, but the one constant was I controlled everything. Now, I'm crumbling like pieces of a skyscraper over a man. How could I have let myself reach this point?

My head throbs, nearly forming a mirage as I come to a realization about everything. The measly thread holding my sanity snaps like a branch. I lose it, right in front of Tania, a sob shattering through me as I cover my mouth. Tania's face drops in shock, then tightens with a concerned expression immediately. She places her arm on the slope of my back, kneading the down-pouring stress.

"I-I don't understand myself," I say through my sobs. "It all came out of nowhere. I knew what I was doing, but here I am. Like, why is this happening to me? I don't like feeling like this. It makes me feel weak."

Tania grabs a tissue from one of the stations and wipes the wet tracks of tears. "Serious question." She licks her lips, clutching onto one of my trembling hands. "Do you love him, Mika?"

I scoff, my eyebrows jumping to my hairline from her blunt question. "What? Of course not. How could you even suggest that? Ugh, I feel like throwing up just thinking about it."

A hint of amusement creeps on her lips as she suppresses a smirk. "Well, how do you feel about him?"

Another wrenching sob breaks through me, and I wished I had Harry Potter's magic cloak to disguise myself. My chest tightens, making it harder to breathe, to think, to be strong. I don't know what to make of her question.

"I don't love him. I can't. I won't. The entire concept of being in love is absurd," I insist, choking on a sob. "Love is far from how I feel about him. I fucking hate his guts for making me feel like this! I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Every day I wake up with an enormous pile of guilt and makes me want to drown and never see another ray of life. Like what the fuck!"

"Then drop him," she suggests, unscrewing the lid on a water bottle and handing it to me.

When the urge to cry subsides, I chug down the water and finally let out a distressed sigh, resting my head on Tania's shoulder. "I don't want to. It gives off the illusion that he's won, destroying the legacy of the great Mika. I never back away from a challenge, even if the stakes are stacked against me. Besides, I got him right where I want, wrap right around my finger, so why should I drop him?"

"If you hate him as much as you claim. You would drop him without a second thought," Tania explains gently. "Okay, it's not love, but babes... You definitely feel something for him. A man doesn't stress you out this much unless there are some feelings there."

"I don't."

"Be honest," she demands, taking one look in my irises and sensing the little white lie like a floating ghost.

My head flings back, staring at the world at an upside-down angle. "I don't know... That's the truth, okay? I have no fucking clue. I don't like this. Are boyfriends always this confusing?"

"That's the thing about people like us," Tania speaks, earning a look of confusion from me. "Our lives were never those fairytales we heard about as kids. We suffer things people, especially children, shouldn't be subjected to, but I guess we got the short end of the stick. Our lives made us numb. We can't grasp the idea of falling in love and having affection for someone because we never received it ourselves."

I nod slowly to show I'm digesting every word of knowledge leaving her lips.

"I don't blame you, Mika. I'm still trying to get a grasp of everything. So, who am I to dictate what you feel? I don't know what love is."

"I don't feel anything."

She glances over at me with arch eyebrows, eyes dropping to read my emotions. The only time I'll leave them out in the open.

"Maybe you don't, maybe you do. Perhaps it's all a misconception. You're just reading things wrong because you can't understand or process them as of this moment. I'd be the same too."

I laugh lightly. "Maybe you already are with him. With the sexy demon named Dragon."

She accidentally snorts, her eyes bulging from surprise at the wild sound. "Oh my god, stop. It's possible, though. It's fucking sad, isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Us." Tania interlocks our hands, linking our thumbs as she sways her back and forth. "Two people who can't show love because it was never given to us. What's love? Is it the mind-blowing sex? Intimacy? Passion for each other? I have no fucking clue."

"Me too. I'm so lost," I whisper, "Those things are what I am after. Especially the sex. Fuck love. We don't need it."

Another laughter bubbles through Tania as her chest wracks. "I could tell from the way he had you last night. What about the companionship? Do you enjoy it? Being with him?"

A ghost of a smile graces my lip. "I do. So much. It's another thing that frightens me."

Tania grabs my shoulders, shaking me up like a cake of jello. "Then that's it. Don't stress yourself by trying to identify what these feelings are for him. All you get is a big fucking headache. Just enjoy and go with the flow. Enjoy the money, gifts, and sex and if you ever get tired of it, drop him like a piece of junk. Maybe in time, everything will figure itself out."

She's right. Why have I been stressing myself out so much? Asiel understands how hard it is for someone like me to place my feelings in someone else's hands, and doesn't push me past my boundaries. I guess it's one of the many qualities I like about him. He doesn't expect more than what I can give.

That's all I can ask for as I figure this shit out.

I nod, agreeing. "Okay. I won't."

"Good!" Tania springs from her chair with her hands on the curve of her hips. "Because fucking hell Mika, it looks like you aged twenty years in a day. Stress wrinkles aren't pretty, love."

My mouth slacks open. "Uh, hello! Stop speaking out of your ass. There's not one wrinkle on this sexy face. I have a special moisture made from my boyfriend's come. Maybe you should try it sometime."

The side of her lip tips to a smirk, eyeing me down like a hawk. "Mmm. Nothing can save those dark circles, though. Jesus. They're getting deeper by the minute."

"Fuck you!" I shout, my stomach aching from the laughing frenzy.

She places her hands up in defense, standing by the door. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Now, stop having that poopy face and enjoy the little moments in life. Stop overthinking. That leads to premature death."

I bob my head. "Okay, I'll do that. Thank you... Um- Tania, for listening to my rant. It's nice to share things like this with someone."

"Of course, babes! I'm always here. Even when you're a pain in my ass." Tania sends an air kiss.

A teasing smirk stretches across my face. "I could be if you ever agree to let me fuck you with a strap-on."

She playfully rolls her eyes. "I prefer scissoring."

My attention shifts to my cell phone vibrating on the countertop and flash a message from Diablo. Tania's heels click further and further away as she makes her way to the stage, and I open the message. Apparently, my schedule has changed from a special, expensive offer from one of my clients that Diablo couldn't resist.

He's already waiting in my room, so I have to quickly scrummage through the treasure chest of lingeries to charm my client. Why wasn't Diablo specific about who it was? It makes choosing an outfit twenty times easier when I'm catering to a certain client. He probably just forgot. Busy night and all.

My indecisive ass selects a deep, wine red floral lace under-wire garnet set with a choker on my neck. I think red might be my color. It's also the color of something I'm fascinated with-- blood. Using two bobby pins, I pin down my braids on the crown of my head, gelling down the baby hairs.

Perfect.

One thing is for sure, I always look like a masterpiece, even when it doesn't matter.

Several of my clients wave and shout compliments as I make my way to my private quarters. They even spared a few hundred dollars as I strolled by, stuffing them in the lining of my panties. My eyes fall shut as the elevator descends. Maybe getting a therapist isn't as odd as I thought. Talking about my feelings really brought a new sense of peace in a matter of seconds.

Most of the other Angeles's rooms are closed, probably satisfying a client. My hand reaches for the knob, twisting it open to see a lean-built, tall, blonde hair man munching on my grapes.

"Hey, sir, I'm sorry my employer failed to inform me of your name," I say, closing the door. "Are you a new client or an old one?"

He darkly chuckles, sounding eerie similar to another vile bastard. His biceps flex as he shoves a grape between his teeth, curving his frame to display the uncanny grin on his face. The realization almost causes my mouth to fall open. He saunters forward, his blue leather mask obscuring most of his face.

"Mika." My skin crawls as his finger lifts my chin, tilting it to meet those sinister blue irises. "Mika. Mika. A session has been long overdue, no? We have a lot of matters to discuss."

I smile, unphased. "Luka."

Awwww, I love little girl talks like this! Mika really needed it! Even though she's lowkey still ignoring the obvious 👀😂... but I love it! It's so stressful to hold everything in all the time!

What do you think Luka has to talk about? It's been a while since he's been mentioned... what do you think he's up to? Did you guys forget he existed? 👀

Can't wait to read all your comments ❤️💜❤️💜

Love ya! And thank you so much for reading this chapter and leaving votes& comments!