Ellie

A few more weeks passed and I was getting more and more nervous about the impending results. I was getting bigger by the day, and the more days that passed, the more real that this situation was becoming. I was starting to get a pudge again and it wasn't because I was eating too much doughnuts. 

No matter how much I tried, day by day I was becoming attached to this baby. Even though I didn't yet know the father, it was hard not to fall in love with something that would soon become a part of your life. I honestly never thought I'd have children and now that I was faced with the very reality of having one of my own....I just wanted nothing more than to have something good in my life. Maybe then I could do right by my child and make sure that they didn't end up like me. I hoped to God it wasn't a girl....what if I wasn't a good enough mother to her? What if she got teased in school or shunned by the other kids? I didn't want a child like me who's esteem was so low that even dirt got better recognition. I was excited but I was scared too. Lord knows I'd never have the heart to abort my child....even if the possibility of her father was the man that raped me. I'd still love them like no other.

And what about Leo? He says he's ready to be a father, but what if it's too much for him and he disappears? 

How could I cope alone? 

Would I be able to cope alone? 

This was too much and it was starting to become hard to breathe...

"Hey, you alright?" Leo asked, walking into the room

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said quickly, getting up "I'm going outside."

"Ellie." He called in warning

I sighed and turned back around.

"You aren't fine." He said, softly grabbing me. "What's wrong?"

"You know, just thinking."

"You know how you get when you think too deeply about stuff. Come on let's get out of this dank hotel room and go out."

"Go where?"

"Wherever you want."

"Could we go to the mall?" I asked quietly

"Is that what you want to do today?"

"I just want to try things on and look around. Just feel like I'm doing something." I said

"We can do that love. Do you want to go now?"

"I'd like that."

In no time he was grabbing his shoes and slipping them on and giving me a jacket. And soon we were in his car heading towards the mall.

After parking and walking inside, the first store we hit was Debs. They always had great stuff and it was one of my favorite stores (they really do y'all!). I walked towards the plus sized section while Leo trailed close behind me.

"This store is so girly." He groaned

"Oh lighten up, spending ten minutes in here won't steal your manhood." I teased

"If I start telling you what shirt and shoes go great together I swear just smack me one good time."

I giggled as I looked through the clothing and soon noticed that they didn't really have anything, so we moved onto a few more stores. I finally found a Torrid and decided to go in there to try things on. I found this beautiful floral dress and a couple of other great pieces and decided to try them on as well. The first dress I tried on was a pink lace hi-lo styled dress the flowed over my body like water not clinging to anything. It really looked good on me, only thing is it was hard to zip it up.

"Leo?" I asked quietly

"Yeah?"

"I need some help." I said timidly

"Meaning I have to actually come in there?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

He sounded a bit nervous about that but he came in anyway,hurriedly closing the door behind him. 

He carefully grabbed the zipper and dragged it upward, grazing my back accidentally. I felt an electrical feeling slowly rise up my back and I took a sharp intake of breath.

"You okay?" He asked, finishing the zipping

"Yeah, just a flutter from the baby." I lied

He nodded and stepped back, looking at the dress with me in the mirror.

"That dress looks so good on you." He smiled appreciatively, rubbing my shoulders

"Really?" I asked

"Yes. Are you getting that?"

"You know I can't. I won't be able to fit it soon. But I only came here today to try on."

"I understand. But still, you are so beautiful you know that?"

I couldn't help the grin that spread across my face as I looked down.

"Thanks." I said bashfully

"I mean it." He smiled, kissing my cheek. "Anything else you needed me to do?"

"Unzip me please?" I asked

He did so and unexpectedly the dress fell from my body and pooled to my feet on the floor before I could catch it. Now this wouldn't normally be an issue but the dress was strapless and I had taken my bra off to see how it would look. I was mortified.

"Sorry." I murmured, quickly covering up

"It's nothing I haven't seen before." He smiled, leaving the dressing room.

Seriously, sometimes I wanted to take my brain out and switch with someone else because being me was really starting to become a drag. This baggage needed to take a hike so that I could be free. I wanted to be free to be happy and be with Leo with no hesitation....but that road would be one that took me forever to travel. I wanted to be able to sleep without feeling like I'd be attacked at any minute, I'd like to go places alone without always looking over my shoulder thinking that he was behind me, and I'd like to be able to be intimate with my boyfriend without having panic attacks. 

But it was all too great for me. 

Yes, Leo and I were back together and had been for about a week. I remember the night when we had decided to do this. It was way before we found out I was pregnant and it had been a few weeks since the incident. I still felt guilty that I had gotten drunk....I really hope I didn't hurt the baby.

We had just come back from a night of dancing, dinner, and a movie and had just returned to the hotel room. I was tired and a bit tipsy....but I was happy. I had had so much fun tonight and I couldn't believe it. Usually I was nervous dancing in front of others, but for some reason I didn't care, I was having fun with Leo and that's all that mattered. I remembered walking into the room and taking a running start, flopping on the bed with a laugh.

"Okay, no more alcohol for you. Man, who knew you were such a lightweight?" He laughed, flopping next to me on the bed.

"Oh hush, it isn't that bad." I slurred

"Ellie, you threw up on the Valet."

I exploded in a fit of giggles and Leo couldn't help but laugh too.

"It was totally an accident. Besides, he was a good sport about it."

"Only after I promised to pay for his dry cleaning."

"He refused though." I said quietly, lazily looking towards him

"Lucky you. Ellie, why are you drinking so much?"

"I just wanted to have fun."

"Look, we talked about this. Drowning your sorrows will not get rid of your problems. Other than the obvious, what are you running away from?"

"Nothing but my feelings." I sighed

"Like fear? Or anger, sadness?"

"All of those I have well under control these days."

"So what is it then?" He asked

I looked away from him and lazily rolled off of the bed.

"Nothing. I think I'll go shower now."

"Hold it." He said suddenly

I turned back towards him with a puppy dog look and he promptly pointed towards the bed. I sat back down and laid beside him again.

"Spill it."

"Okay fine. I did get a bit jealous that you were dancing with that girl." I said begrudgingly

"Why?" He asked, laughter in his voice

"Because, she was pretty and you seemed to be really enjoying yourself."

"I can't believe you are jealous."

"Well believe it." I said quietly, getting up again

"What about that guy that was flirting with you?" He asked

"What guy? All he was doing was striking up conversation."

"Ellie he was genuinely interested in you. And I thought you were fine so when the girl asked me to dance, I agreed. It was only for fun."

"Well I'm glad we cleared that up. Now like I was saying, I'm going to go take a shower now."

And I hurried to the bathroom before he could stop me. After ten minutes I came back out, my towel cinched securely around my body. He was still lying on the bed, staring at me intently with a small smile on his face as I crossed over towards the dresser in the room to grab underwear and a long shirt for the night.

"So you were really jealous huh?" He asked, voice close to my ear

I gasped in surprise because I hadn't known that he was even behind me. When had he even gotten up?

"Duh." I muttered, walking around him

He softly grabbed my arm and brought me back in front of him.

"Why when you're the only girl I have eyes for?"

My eyes widened and my face heated up.

"How many times do I have to tell you this? I can't believe you're surprised."

"Well I am."

"Ellie you're killing me here." He sighed

"You really mean that?"

"Of course I do, I'm here with you aren't I? If I really wanted that girl I would've probably gone home with her when she asked me. But all I could think of was the guy that had your attention and that it wasn't me."

I looked towards the floor, deep in thought and he picked my head back up.

"Why don't you tell me what you really want to say."

"Like what?" I asked him

He gave me That Look and I sighed, realizing what I had to do.

"I didn't like that some other girl had your attention. I should be the one who had it."

"You do have it. Just tell me what you need to tell me."

He stroked my chin with his thumb looking at me expectantly.

"I want you and I want to be the only one that has you." I said

Damn, alcohol made the truth flow out like water. It was amazing how long I had kept that in.

"So you want to be together again?" He asked slowly

I nodded and he smiled the widest smile I had ever seen.

"Seriously? Don't play with me now."

"Yes, seriously."

"You won't regret this, I promise. I'm gonna be so much better this time and-"

"It's not all on you you know. You weren't the whole problem in our relationship. I had my fair share."

"It doesn't matter now. You just make me happy." He smiled, gathering me into his arms

I stared at him for what seemed like a very long time and then the next thing I knew, we were kissing. At first it was tentative and slow, only pecks. But then it escalated into something more feral and passionate, like we had been both holding back for who knows how long. 

My arms automatically wrapped around his neck and my towel had fallen to the floor. He wrapped his arms around my naked frame and pressed me more into him. His tongue found its way into my mouth and slinked around mine, making me flood below. He started backing up towards the bed and we fell onto it, me straddling his waist.

"Wait." He whispered, pulling away from me

"What?" I asked panting.

"You sure about this? I don't want to rush you or anything." He asked softly, stroking hair from my face

"I'm sure."

He stared at me worried. At the time I hadn't known that his suspicions would turn out to be right.

"I'm fine, I promise."

And for that moment, I had felt fine.

He quietly kissed me again, holding me to him with his hand on the back of my head. Soon we were rolling over and he was a top of me, sliding in. I never knew how he did it but he was naked and I hadn't noticed. I let out a satisfying groan as his hips settled against me.

"You alright?" He asked concerned

"I'm fine." I whimpered as he started moving inside me

"I've missed you." He said quietly, staring at me

I knew he wasn't talking about sex, not even close. But the closeness of it all. Since my attack I had been very hesitant and distant from him. I'd go to bed before him, I'd stay out late at the beach leaving him in the hotel room alone, and of course, tried avoiding any alone time at any costs. Tonight was the first time that we had hung out in a while. The first time in weeks that we laughed and had fun. Well, before our mutual distractions intervened and made us realized how dumb we were being.

Okay, maybe just me. But you know what I mean.

"I'm sorry about that." I sniffed

He swiped at my tears and kissing my forehead.

"Don't be. Don't cry, it's alright." He murmured, getting a little teary eyed himself

He slammed his hips into me and I let out a wail when he hit that oh so special spot. He moaned as well as he started moving again.

"Shh, we don't want the people next door to hear us." He laughed

I started giggling myself and pulled him down to me, kissing him as he pistoned his hips. I tasted salt on my lips, probably from us both crying. But I felt so loved at that moment. 

It got so intense at one point that I remember scratching my nails down his back. His groan almost pushed me over the edge and I begged him to go faster. But then I noticed something, as he picked up his head green eyes turned to grey and it was like I was looking into a nightmare. I started shuddering and my blood ran cold with fear. There was no way in hell that Chris was on top of me right now. 

So why was I seeing him?

"What the hell are you doing here? Get off of me!"

I felt the familiar feeling of cum dousing my insides and I started crying again. I was shaking uncontrollably and I couldn't breathe. Over and over I heard that sickening groan of satisfaction and it made me sick to my stomach.

"Ellie? What's the matter?" I heard his voice ask

I was having a major freak out as his body got off of me and sat me up. The faces had morphed with one half being Leo's and the other being Chris'. I shut and covered my eyes, starting to rock back and forth.

"Ellie look at me!" He urged

I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, seeing Leo this time. He looked so scared and guilty and I felt so bad. 

I thought I was ready for this.

"I knew we shouldn't have done this. I'm such an idiot." He murmured

"No, it's not your fault. I thought I was ready." I said, not really in the room

"What happened? Did I do something?" He asked frantic

"No....I just saw Chris."

"I am so sorry Els." He murmured, hugging me tightly

I became numb as he rocked me back and forth gently. I was such a fuck up. Chris was gonna be able to get to me whenever he wanted, and I hated it so much.

And then it hit me: We hadn't used a condom that night. And even that time in the kitchen that morning. How could I forget that? Maybe the kid was Leo's. But I wasn't going to get my hopes up....stranger things had happened. I just had to wait on the test results. 

I had gotten dressed and gathered my clothes, walking out to meet him in the waiting area.

"You're done already?" He asked surprised.

"I'm not really in the mood anymore. Can we just go?" I asked softly

"Sure, whatever you want. You hungry?" He asked, coming over to pull me close

"A little. Maybe we aren't too late for lunch at the hotel."

"I was thinking something a little more different. How does seafood sound?" He asked me

"Expensive." I teased as we left the mall

"Don't worry about money alright? We are perfectly fine. Now come on, I want to treat my lady to lunch."

I smiled and let him pull me along.