Part – 15

"Someday everything will make perfect sense so, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears & keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason"

(Karthik's POV)

(Lines in Italics are Karthik's self thought / inner voice)

"Mithra..." I call her gently but she doesn't respond to me. She seems to be lost in thoughts.

When I came from work, I couldn't find her anywhere in the apartment. Sanjeev told me he was taking Deepa out for dinner & he even offered Mithra to go with them but she refused to go, so he asked me to take care her as she will be alone so I immediately shut my work & came in search of her & finally find her in terrace, sitting on the canopy swing not even realizing I am standing right in front of her.

"Baby" I softly call as I place my hand on her head & gently shake it to seek her attention.

"Karthik" she finally acknowledges my presence & smiles weakly at me. Then she shuffles over to let me sit beside her.

We both sit in silence for a while gazing at the lonely moon.

We both are sitting so close to each other yet we feel so far, so lonely.

I am used to this feel but I don't want Mithra to feel lonely ever. Loneliness is a deadly disease. It kills.

She is confused over some confusing feeling which I am well aware of. I need to talk to her & make her understand & clear her confusion.

"Confused?" I ask her. She turns sharply to my side & stares at me with her beautiful big eyes.

"Yes" she agrees.

"Hmm..." I hum & stretch my legs then bend it putting pressure on the floor to move the swing to & fro.

I feel her shiver when the cool breeze hit her soft skin. I pull my jacket off & wrap it around her shoulders. She gives me a 'thank you' smile.

"You remember what day is tomorrow?" Mithra asks me softly.

"Yes, I do" I say & run my finger through my hair.

The day which turned our lives upside down!

"Our second wedding anniversary" she says with a sweet smile. F**king wedding!

"Or our first divorce anniversary?" I retort. This is right!

"Karthik... I am sorry" why?

"You don't have to feel sorry for anything, baby"

"You won't ask me what gift I want this time..."

Whoa! Whoa! Dare I promise to give her anything? I learned my lesson.

"I don't have anything to give you, Mithra. You got your life time gift last year itself and that's your freedom from that awful marriage" I can't help but stress the word 'Awful'.

"You know what, Karthik, nothing can be more painful than throwing their own words at them." She smirks though hurt crinkling on the edge of her eyes. I really don't want to hurt her. I regret saying that. My poor baby, I am sorry.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, baby." I caress her cheek. She leans into my touch & I remove my hand. No, this is wrong! We are friends!

"No, Karthik. Now, I realize how much it would have hurt you when I said I want to get out of the awful marriage that time." Yes, it did pierce my heart!!

"We shouldn't have been forced into that unwanted marriage. Then we won't be in this mess now" I tell her in a soft voice. She nods. F**k our f**king fate!

"Karthik... I..." She stammers. Oh no!

"What Mithra?" I ask her patiently. I know what she is struggling to tell but please don't tell!

"I... I am..." she is going to tell...

"You are falling in love... with me" Fuck! I said it myself. Well I made her job easier.

"How do you know?" She asks in surprise.

I raise my eyebrow with an 'are-you-seriously-asking-me-this-question'? Look.

I knew this right from the moment she came to see me here, I have noticed her changes, she was being possessive for me, felt so jealous seeing me close with Nisha, even while playing 'Truth or Dare' she made my doubt surer by telling she was falling in love but I didn't want to hear her say my name so I stopped Sanjeev from asking the name of her lover.

I don't want to hear her confession for two reasons:

1. I am not ready to take her back in my life. You can call it as my 'Ego' but I am doing it to protect myself from getting hurt again...and also I feel I am not the right one for her, I am not the one she dreamed of... I know we are not meant for each other. Oh shit! I sound like Mithra now.

2. I know she is still in 'confusion' stage. Confusing herself whether it's love or not.

One year, we were together, married, but then she said she didn't feel anything for me and we can never happen as a couple, then we part our ways, lead our lives separately for nearly a year and now she comes here for me saying she feels something for me... but I know what exactly the something is, she thinks it could be love but it's definitely not love...she wants me back in her life why because she can't live with her 'friend'. She needs her friend, not her lover. She is confusing herself and I am gonna clear her confusion.

"Karthik..." she calls my name when I remain silent "You didn't tell anything?"

"So you love me?" I ask her again. I gauge her expression. Doubt edges in her eyes. She wants me that I am sure about but she is not ready to accept me as her husband or lover.

"I think so" she tells nervously fidgeting her fingers.

Think so? Ah right! As I thought so! She is not sure of her feelings yet.

How can I trust her & weave the dream of us living together again?

"Why do you think so that you are in love with me?" I ask her softly as if she was a small child. My baby!

"I don't know. I felt a pang of something which I don't know what exactly it was but I felt that strangeness when I saw you close with Nisha & only after meeting her boyfriend I felt at ease." Oh jealousy? That's a sign of love, doesn't it?

"That's because you felt insecure of losing your friend to his friend. Simple!"

"I don't want to lose you. I want you back in my life, Karthik" she agrees.

She is being stubborn here. It's her fear speaking. Not her love.

"As what you want me back in your life? Friend? Lover? Husband?"

Answer me baby, let's test whether we have any hope for future or not.

"As... As my... shall we start over?"

She has no answer for my question but she is shooting me a question? Jeez!

"When everything is over what's left there to start again?" I ask. Is she playing with my feelings?

"You said you loved me... um, do you still do love me?" She asks me. I laugh & lean back on the swing rubbing my face. Oh god! Will she ever see how much I love her?

"I do" I smile. Her innocence is what makes me love my baby brat more and more.

"You still love me... yeah good" she says more like assuring to herself, and I see hope gleaming in her eyes. Uh-huh! Of course baby!

"Yes. I do. I really do love you... as a Friend" I lie to her. I love her more than my life but I am not going to profess my love again. I did it once and I got rejected. I can't face rejection again.

"So I lost you? I lost your love?" She asks, her lips trembling. Don't cry, baby! I groan painfully.

"Baby, come here" I call & she willingly comes into my arms. I hold her close to my chest and rub her back soothingly. This feels so good, holding her in my arms and comforting her.

"Didn't you get what all you wanted by divorcing me?" I ask her gently. Tell me?

"At what cost? I never thought I will lose you" she chokes.

"Hush... Calm down. I am here. I am here. You didn't lose me." I pat her head & keep her securely in my arms. She is so vulnerable & fragile. Oh so I am!

"Mithra, your life is calm & peaceful now and so is mine. Then why you are jeopardizing things now?" I ask her once she composed herself. How long she is having feelings for me? Is it too deep or just a wavering thought?

"I miss you, Karthik. I miss you waking me up. I miss you cooking my favorite food for me, I miss you helping me in my studies, I miss watching movies with you, I miss fighting with you, I miss being pampered by you, I miss our home, I miss everything. Everywhere I see you I find you... but just an illusion. Nothing is real because you are not with me. I feel like I am lost in an island"

Aww... Baby, trust me I miss doing all that to you too. I have been pampering even before you come to know I was pampering you!

"Lost in Rose & Smith's Island huh?" I joke. She giggles.

Ah! I love the time we spent in Andaman Islands. That surely is the one of the most beautiful and happy memories for me to cherish from the one year of married life with Mithra.

"I feel the same. I miss you too" I whisper back. "But baby, we lived one whole year under one roof so we were so used to each other's presence... you will soon get over it and adapt to your new life. Don't worry" I kiss her temple.

"It's almost a year since we are living separate...but still I couldn't get back to my old life before our marriage or make a new life after our divorce. I feel like I am stuck at the one year period we were together."

"Then why you asked me for divorce?" I ask her bluntly.

"I... I was not able to be your wife..." Right!

"And that's because you can't see me as your husband right?" I ask. She nods.

"Yeah, because you are my friend" she replies.

"I'm what to you now?" I ask with bated breath.

"My Karthik... always, mine!" she tells possessively. I smile fondly.

"In relationship?" I ask hopefully.

"My friend" There! She said it. She still sees me as her friend only.

"How could you possibly love me now after all the time?"

"I wonder the same" she whispers, incredulously. And that's because you don't love me! Let's end the game we are playing here!

"You were right, Mithra. It took me forever to understand you." I tell her. She leans up & stares at me with a cute little frown. I smooth her forehead with my thumb to erase the frown.

"I was so stubborn to place myself in your position and try to understand you. I thought if I can accept the marriage then why not you? I tried to hold you to myself...."

"You shouldn't have let me go." she whispers. So it's my fault now? If I had refused to let you go and forced you to stay with me then you would have hated me, Mithra. I can live without your love but I can never face your hatred.

"But you asked for it." I say and place my cheek on her head. "I told you not to regret your decision ever in future & I warned you not to look back at the one year period we spent together" If you had listened to me then, now you won't be confusing yourself now!

"I can't help but revisit our marriage phase" *Sigh* this job of making her understand that she isn't in love with me is so taxing!

"It took me a long time to mend my broken heart, Mithra..." I whisper looking away from her.

Oh God! The past one year was really horrible. I felt like I was literally living in hell but thanks to Nisha for shouldering me & bringing me out my depression. She channeled my focus on my work and I ended up as a workaholic.

Well, only now my wound is healing so I don't want to rekindle my relationship with Mithra who is not even sure of her feelings yet and get hurt all over again.

"I was young when we got married, Karthik. I was so confused & scared. All my life I have seen you as my friend & my guide..." Baby! I understand. I respect your decision. You might regret your own decision but I don't & I won't ever!

"Then see me the same way for the rest of your life. That's the best of both of us, Mithu." I tell her.

"I don't think I can see you as just friend anymore" she says looking down at her feet. Why because you love me?

"Why is that so?" I ask her.

She remained mute.

Jeez! This girl can be frustrating some time.

"Mithra?"

"Can you give me some time?" she asks hesitantly. Time? For what? To decide whether I am in or out of her life? I pity myself!

"Time?" I ask puzzled. Well, I look puzzled but I know already for what she is asking time.

"To think" what the hell she wanna think about?

"Look, you are so confused now. If you get your mind cleared from all these confusing thoughts then you will only laugh at yourself"

"Can I stay here with you?" She asks. What? f**k! No! That will make hard my resolve to forget you.

"Stay? I assume you wanna stay till your college reopens, right?" I play dumb.

"No. Forever" she says. She must be kidding!

"What? Are you mad?" I shake my head at her insensibility. She doesn't grow up at all.

"Karthik, I can't stay away from you, please, try to understand" She pleads. I can't stay nearer to you and you please understand that, baby.

"That's not possible, Mithra. We can't stay together."

"Why?"

"Neither of us can make each other happy"

"But still we will be happy just with the knowledge that we are together"

"Didn't I tell the same to you when you asked for divorce? But still you went ahead and pushed me out of your life" I shout. She flinches back in fear.

Shit, Karthik, you are talking to your baby brat and you have never raised your voice at her before but you are doing now and scaring her. I scrunch my eyes tightly to control my anger.

"I didn't push you out of my life." Oh really? I don't think so. "I want you in my life, always. Come back to me, please, Karthik" she cries.

"You forced me to stay away from you and from my parents too" I tell her in soft voice. Mommy! I miss you.

"I'm sorry" she says remorseful. I don't like her saying f**king sorry to me.

"Didn't I give you time? Time to accept our marriage? But you were too stubborn to try & work out our marriage."

"I told you I can't make you wait for me till I change my mind & accept you... I considered your happiness..." she mutters. You considered my happiness? Fuck! You don't even know where my happiness belongs to.

"Then why you want to start over again?"

She doesn't reply.

"I was ready to wait all my life. Did I ever step out of my limits & claimed a husband's right? We were happy together as friends under one roof right? Didn't I tell you we could start our life afresh when you are ready? Then why you did this to us?" I ask her, my voice breaking. It's too painful to question her. She silently cried and I hate myself for being the reason for her tears.

"But I don't blame you. I will never blame you for anything. You know why?" I ask her. She shakes her head in no. "Because you do care for me like I do for you."

"Mithra... Baby... listen to me clearly, give yourself some time, you are not sure of your own feelings. You are under a serious of misconception of being in love with me..."

"No" she shook her head.

"We were staying apart for nearly a year now and the separation affected you and now you wanna stay with me because you miss me, that's all but you are confusing it with love."

Did the distance bring any divine changes in her?

"Well, tell me how can I stay with you forever? Friends can be there for each other at time of need but they can't live together as a couple."

"Why?"

"We can't stay together as friends forever but that's the only relationship you are ready to accept. You have a life. I have a life. We both should move on as our paths won't meet again."

"Please no"

"Listen, complete your studies with top grade, get a good job, fall in love with a best man, don't forget to ask him his date of birth before falling for him, then get happily married with your parents' blessings."

She faintly smiled.

"I know Mithra, you have a bright future. Don't get confused & spoil it with this silly notion" I say in a soft voice. She blinks her eyes so that the tear drops roll down her cheeks which I catch & dispatch with my thumb.

"You understood?" I ask. She nods. But I know she is still confused.

"Will you get married again?" she asks me. I stare her, impassively.

Is this the reassurance she needs from me so that she can move on in her life too?

"Mithra... I ..."

I don't know whether I will be ever ready for marriage again because, I don't want to give Mithra's place in my heart to anyone.

I just can't dissipate the feeling I have for Mithra from my heart.

Oh God! How will I accept any girl other than Mithra as my wife and love her when I am so deeply in love with Mithra? If I couldn't love my wife ever then I would be doing injustice to her. If I ever fall for my wife then I would be betraying my true love. Oh God! Now, I am confused.

No, I am not confused. My love and my wife should be one and the same person. I can love my wife only when she is my Mithra. Simple!

"You are scared of getting married again & I am responsible for that" she says & covers her face with her palm as she starts crying again.

"Oh baby, please don't cry, I can't bear it. Trust me, you are not responsible for anything, it's our fate to be blamed. You were right when you said we were not meant for each other." I sigh sadly. That time I didn't believe but now I do.

"I know it's hard but I will try, really try hard to overcome my fear & one day I will get married as I can't keep my mom waiting for too long as she really wants to see her grandchild soon" I chuckle. I know I am being selfish by not caring for my parents' feelings. I am hurting them a lot. Sorry, mom. Sorry, dad.

"Only one? I want two kids?" Mithra says blushing.

Why she is telling this to me? As if I am gonna give her two kids?

"Ask your future husband to give you twins. Hit two birds with one stone" I twitch her nose & she giggles. I love to hear my baby brat giggle.

"So tell me what we are?" I ask.

"Friends" she says. Stay clear!

"What we are?" I repeat.

"FRIENDS" she tells much louder this time. I nod smiling.

"Friends?" I ask.

"FOREVER!" she shouts. That's our Oath!!

"Good" I grin & she grins back at me. I pull her head towards me & press my lips on her forehead. I love you, baby!!

... To be continued!!!

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